UnScripts:The Tragedy of Ron Popeil

This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

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The Tragedy of Ron Popeil is a play written by William Shakespear.

The dramatic theater poster.

Characters

• Ron Popeil - Protaginist
• Police force - Protaginists
• Steve the backstage dude - Protaginist
• Billy Mays - Antagonist
• Nancy - Antagonist
• Anthony Sullivan - Antagonist
• Man with camera - Not involved
• Group of homosexual persons - Not involved
• Audience Members - Not involved

Play

Act One

(The curtain rises on a set designed similar to a bathroom in a mysterious television studio somewhere in California. A bucket of oxi-clean, a straw, and a credit card lie on the demonstration table. Billy Mays is sitting at a table near the set with Anthony Sullivan and Nancy. Steve the backstage dude is listening intently on their conversation out of view.)

Billy:	EVERYONE! WE ARE HERE TODAY TO DISCUSS THE MATTER OF RON POPEIL! I'M GOING TO MAKE A MURDER PLOT DOES ANYONE OBJECT?!
Anthony:	FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY STOP SHOUTING!
Billy:	BUT WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING THEN?
Anthony:	BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING ANNOYING ME!!!
Billy:	Okay, okay! I'll stop SHOUTING! Now who's with me?!
Anthony:	Yeah, I'm in. He's going to pay for inserting me into a Magic Can, then beating me with a rubber broom.
Nancy:	I'm sick of playing idiot with that guy. I'm in.
Billy:	OKAY HERE'S HOW WE'RE-
Anthony and Nancy:	CAN YOU STOP SHOUTING!?
Billy:	Oh...right. QVC is just a few miles from here. What we're going to do is this: I lure him into a store closet. There, anthony is going to light up the room with a stick up bulb. Then we all start stabbing him with hercules hooks. We'll dispose the body into a magic can.
Nancy:	When are we going to pull this off?
Billy:	Somewhere in March. The 15th should work.
Anthony:	Oh, that's no good. I've got a doctor's appointment. Well, my health can wait.
Anthony and Nancy:	Right. Let's do this.
Steve:	(whisper)My God... I've got to warn Ron!

Act Two

(The curtain rises on a set designed similar to a kitchen in the QVC network. There is a man holding the camera stage left, with Ron Popeil in the center behind the counter with Nancy. They are advertising their Home Haggis Maker today, and all is going smooth. They had just wrapped up the show.)

Ron:	...And you can get your very own home haggis maker, plus the knife set, plus the frog blender, and plus my kitchen sink all for just 99 payments of 99.99!
Nancy:	That sure sounds like a great deal Ron!
Ron:	It sure is, Nancy! Well, the next product is ready to be demonstrated and so see you next week!
(Nancy and Ron walk off stage smiling and waving at the audience as they cheer. Nancy walks directly to her trailer while Ron goes to Steve the backstage guy for his hard earned glass of water)
Steve:	Ron...dude...you've got do beware the Ides of March, man. Billy Mays and a few accomplices are going to attempt to assassinate you that day!
Ron:	(After drinking water) Steve, this is no time for a joke referencing Shakespeare. Billy is my buddy. I don't think he'd ever attempt to murder me, kid.
Steve:	I swear it's true! I wasn't drinking!
Ron:	That's what you told me when you said that Nancy's parents hated me and she secretly had a crush on me.
Steve:	Yeah, but I swear it's true! I SWEAR! I was there!
Ron:	(rolling eyes) Okay, okay. I'll avoid him...
Steve:	Thank you for listening to me!
(Steve walks off stage. Ron walks the opposite direction to get to his car)
Ron:	...when you start sounding serious.

Act Three

(Scene three takes place on the streets of San Francisco on the 15th of March. It is a Saturday, a beautiful day for a stroll. Several gay men can be seen passing by in the crowd. Billy Mays and Ron Popeil meet eachother.)

Billy:	HI RON!
Ron:	Uhhh...Hello, Billy?
Billy:	I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU! YOU'VE GOT TO CHECK IT OUT! COME OVER TO THE QVC FILMING BUILDING! IT'S AWESOME!
Ron:	Take down that tone and I'll consider.
Billy:	OKaaay. I HOpe thAT I MEet yOu thEEERe.
Ron:	Well...Okay...

(A recording of Steve's disembodied voice comes on.)

Steve:	Beware the iiiiidddddess offffff Marrrrrch!
Ron:	Where the fuck is that voice coming from?
Billy:	OH! I SEE THE TAPE RECORDER RIGHT THERE!

(Billy smashes the tape player. We see Steve in a second story window nearby)

Steve:

Damn...my mom's going to kill me...

Act Four

(Billy and Ron meet up in the empty QVC building)

Billy:	It's IN the STore cloSET riGHT thERE.
Ron:	Okay.

(Ron opens up the closet. Quickly a stick up bulb is lit by Anthony who was hiding in the closet, then Nancy quickly sneaks up behind Ron and stabs a Hercules hook into his back. He retailiates, spraying his secret hair formula into her eyes. She screams.)

Ron:	Ouch! That hurt.

(Anthony, who Ron forgot was in the store room, attacks Ron with a rubber broom, knocking him to the ground. Billy walks up to Ron, with a Hercules hook in hand.)

Ron:	God damn you, you smarmy piece of shit!

(Billy stabs the hook into Ron, and Ron passes out from pain, though he is not dead. It appears that he is dead, though. At this point a police force smashes through the door, which triggers Anthony's alarm. Anthony and Nancy start to point at Billy as they drop their weapons.)

Anthony:	He did it.
Nancy:	Ditto.
Billy:	YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME! I SWEAR!

(Billy pours half a bottle of Bowl Blaster into his mouth, and he starts to choke. The others force him to cough it out, and the suicide attempt fails. Anthony and Nancy are handcuffed, but they wait to handcuff Billy.)

Billy:	(cough) SHIT!
Cop:	(With truncheon in hand) GET DOWN!

(Billy runs towards the exit, only to run into the camera guy, who's trying to steal the donuts again. Cops handcuff Billy. The curtain falls.)

Camera Guy:

Okay. What the hell just happened?

Fin