UnScripts:Radio skit

This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

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So we were listening to the radio the other night, and it kept switching channels on us! Here's something like what it sounded like.

V1

CUB SCOUT: Good evening, friends! Tonight, I am going to tell you about Cub Scouting. Cub Scouting is a home-centered program for boys, their leaders, their families and...

POLITICAL (passionately): ...scoundrels in high places! I say to you, we must send to Congress men and women of integrity who will stand up to temptation and say...

SOAP OPERA (with feeling): ...let me hold you in my arms, darling! Yes, sweet, come close... closer still... and let me put my strong arms around you, and then...

FIGHT (fast staccato): ...a hard looping right to the stomach! Wow! Whatta fight this is, folks! Murphy swings a left to the jaw, a right to the head, a left, a right, another right, and the Butcher goes down. He drops straight back on his...

COMMERCIAL (loud and brassy): ...large, economy-size package. Yes, friends, ask your grocer today for this big, family-size box of Chlorophyll's Crummier Cornflakes... the only cornflakes with the built-in crumb! Once you have tasted Chlorophyll's, you'll say...

POLITICAL: ...how in the world can they do it? How can these men, these elected servants for the people, put politics before principle in such a brazen and outrageous effort to advance their own selfish cause? There is only one thing that will put a stop to their selfishness. I mean none other than...

CUB SCOUT: ...a group of overworked cub leaders. The answer to this, of course, is to select assistant cub leaders who can help out where needed. When you ask someone to be a cub leader, just walk right up and say...

SOAP OPERA: ...take your hands off me! Don't come near me! I cannot stand you... do you hear? I hate you...

CUB SCOUT: ...in this way, of course, a person is more likely to say "yes". And then there is only one thing to watch out for...

FIGHT:...another hard right to the stomach! Now the Butcher is moving in, and Murphy's looking bad... very bad. He has a cut on his forehead and his left eye's swelling fast. In fact, he reminds me of...

COMMERCIAL: ...a soggy bowl of leftover cornflakes. So accept no substitutes! Always choose Chlorophyll's cornflakes for the crumminess you love to crunch. Start your day with a big bowl full of Chlorophyll's swimming in heavy cream and covered with strawberries... and a large heaping of...

POLITICAL: ...crooked politicians! Yes, my friends, I repeat to you again and again that dishonesty in government, whether local, state, or national, is a shame and a disgrace to our fair land. There is only one thing we can do about it. Only one thing will save our proud and mighty nation...

CUB SCOUT: ...four full sixes in every pack! More boys in your pack means more boys to enjoy the fun and benefits of Cub Scouting, as well as more families to share in the leadership. With a full pack, a Cubmaster can look the cub leaders in the face and say...

SOAP OPERA: ...Kiss me, you fool! All I ever expected from you was...

FIGHT:...A hard right to the stomach! And I can see what's coming now...

COMMERCIAL: ...another bowl of soggy, leftover cornflakes. So remember, always use Chlorophyll's...

POLITICAL: ...because they're poison... yes, poison. The best solution to political dishonesty is...

CUB SCOUT: ...more and better Cub Scouting everywhere! (Curtain)

V2

Sports: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Seymour Skidmarks bringing you the latest news in the world of sports. The annual football game between the Ducks and Beavers was played last week to the enjoyment of a large crowd who went wild at the crucial point during the game when Coach ________ sent in … (click)

Cook: …three eggs, a cup of buttermilk, and a pinch of salt. Stir well and pour into a flat greased pan or… (click)

Fashion: …your new fall hat. This year, fashion decrees that women shall wear a large variety of charm bracelets. A most popular design is to make them of… (click)

Shaver: …old whiskers? If you do, just shave them off with Bates’ Better Shaving Cream. Use this cream, and you will be so handsome that all the girls will… (click)

Exercise: …bend over and touch the floor twenty times. This exercise is superb for general reducing. All right now, again, let’s bend over, up, over… (click)

Song: …(singing) the ocean. My Bonnie lies over the sea. My Bonnie lies over the ocean, oh bring back my Bonnie to … (click)

Sports: …Sebastian who sailed down the field for a touchdown that tied the game. What a play! What a perfect… (click)

Fashion: …ly darling little summer bag that all you girls simply must have. At first glimpse they may remind you of… (click)

Story: …a bowl of soup. But it was tooooo hot. The second bowl was as hot as the first, but the third was just right. Goldilocks ate, and ate, until she could…

Shaver: …feel the stiff beard with your hand. Does that appear to be very romantic? Our foolproof way to get a girlfriend is to… (click)

Exercise: …breathe deeply four times, and pound on your chest with your fists after inhaling each breath. This enlivens the tissues and makes one feel… (click)

Cook: …puffy and full of air. This effect can be had by beating the mixture with a rotary eggbeater for five… (click)

Fashion: …hundred years. The things our grandmothers wore then are the most popular things today. Already fashion leaders, prominent society women are trying to bring back more old-fashioned manners. Their cry is "Bring back…" (click)

Song: …(singing) my Bonnie to me, bring back, bring back, oh bring back my Bonnie to me. Bring back, bring back … (click)

Shaver: …a nice soft chin and a host of compliments. If you use our cream, those whiskers will come out with a … (click)

Story: …CRASH!! Goldilocks had broken the little chair all to pieces. Then she jumped up and started up the stairs. There she saw three beds. The first bed was covered with a bearskin rug, which was too soft. The second bed was covered with… (click)

Sports: …what looked like crawling things from the press box, but it was only the players in hard scrimmage. We are looking with expectations to The DUCKS winning their 3.1415th championship this fall. The players are in good condition and average weight is… (click)

Exercise: …110 pounds. You, too, can weigh this much if you but follow these simple exercises. Don’t take them too hard at first or you will probably have to… (click)

Song: …(singing) lay on a pillow. Last night as I lay on my bed; last night as I lay on my pillow, I dreamed that my Bonnie was… (click)

Cook: …cooking in a hot oven about 450 degrees Fahrenheit. For an extra treat, garnish, add cloves or whole… (click)

Story: …bears? Will Goldilocks get home safely? How will the story end? Keep your radio tuned to this station until tomorrow at this time for the next episode of this thrilling story. Until then kiddies, be sweet and don’t forget too… (click)

Shaver: …shave off the whiskers with Bates’. Our motto is… (click)

Exercise: …stand on your head and wave your feet in the air. Gym clothes are best for this exercise, but… (click)

Fashion: …an ostrich feather will do just as well. Take my tip and you girls will be as fashionable as… (click)

Sports: …AAA, to whom we are looking for great things this year. This is your friendly announcer, Seymour Skidmarks signing off and saying… (click)

Fashion: …Buh-bye!