UnScripts:Minutes to the First Annual Dead Babies Convention

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(Scene I: Inside of a large, sterile white meeting room. At the head of the table lies what appears to be a dead baby. It looks like it has been decomposing for some time and it smells a bit like rotten cheese. All around the table are other dead babies in a similar condition. Further away from the round table is a small crowd of chairs also full of dead babies. There are only two living people in the room. One is a woman sitting in a corner with a typewriter, and the other is a woman in her thirties dressed in robes and crystals. Her hair looks as though Whoppie Goldberg’s hair in Ghost and Don King had sex.)

Chairman: … (silence)

Translator/Medium: Are we recording yet?

Minutes-taker: (nods yes)

Translator/Medium: (Nods to the chairman)

Chairman: ………………….

Translator/Medium: Good. I would like to welcome all of you to the first annual dead baby convention. As you can see, there is only a small group of us here today, being the first convention and all, but I assure you, that one of our main goals for this convention is to be THE place to be if you are a dead baby. In time we hope the spirits of dead babies the world over will come here to discuss issues important to our afterlives.

All dead babies: …………………….

Translator/Medium: (Stands up and begins clapping. Turns to minutes-taker) They’re clapping.

Minutes-taker: (Claps briefly, returns to typing)

Chairman:………………………………………………..(silence)

Translator/Medium: Now before we get too much into our official business and workshops, I think it would be wise to take attendance. Normally we would have our past president do the honors, but since this is again our first, (clapping) convention ever, we will have our Vice President do the honors. Mr. Vice President?

VP: ………………………………..

Translator/Medium: Thank you Mr. President. And much thanks to both our attending officers, our audience, our minutes taker, and of course our medium/translator. They may be alive and adults, but without them we’d have no connection to the outside world. In short, they’re the best alive adults a group of dead babies could have, right? (More clapping)

VP:…………………………

Translator/Medium: Thank you all again, now if you’ll just call out here when I announce your name and-or title, and we’ll get through this quickly. Mary Strohenburg.

Minutes-taker: Here.

VP:……

Translator/Medium: Sonja of the all-seeing eye.

Translator/Medium: Here.

VP:…….

Translator/Medium: Mr. Chairman.

Chairman:……..

Translator/Medium: Here.

VP:……..

Translator/Medium: Convention secretary Hudson?

Secretary: ……

Translator/Medium: Here.

VP: …….

Translator/Medium: Convention treasurer?

Treasurer:……

Translator/Medium: Here.

VP:………..

Translator/Medium: And of course, all of our guests are here as well. Looks like all are present and accounted for Mr. Chairman.

Chairman:…………..

Translator/Medium: Thank-you Mr. Vice President.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Chairman:…………………(More silence)

Translator/Medium: Excuse me for one moment. (Grabs intercom) Security? We need you in here right away. (to group) Sorry, this will only take a minute. On our first order of busi—

Live baby: WAAAAAhh! WAaaaaaaaaahhhhh! WAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Chairman: ………

Translator/Medium: Oh for crying out loud!

Live baby: WAHHHh! Wah, WAH!

Security Officer: (Enters) What’s the problem?

Chairman:……………….

Translator/Medium: I thought I gave you specific instructions NOT to let any live babies in here! What does that look like to you?

Live baby: WAH! WAH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Security Officer: Well, sometimes when they’re sleeping, it’s hard to tell.

Chairman: …………………..

Live baby: Wah!

Translator/Medium: He’s disrupting our meeting. Do something.

Live baby: WAH!

Security Officer: What do you want me to do?

Chairman: ………………….

Translator/Medium: Either kick him out…or initiate him.

Live baby: WAHHHH!

Security Officer: (Takes off a shoe) I understand…

Live baby: WAAaa— (SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! Thomp! Smack!)

Chairman:……….

Translator/Medium: My apologies to everyone for that blatant interru—

Live baby: waa—(SMACK)

Security Officer: All finished sir.

Chairman:…………

Translator/Medium: ..………………..K. Now onto our first order of business. (Turns to security officer) You can leave now.

The First Order of Business

Chairman:……………..

Translator/Medium: Now I’m sure all of you are aware of the meme that really makes the afterlife difficult for us, that reinforces all kinds of negative stereotypes about our kind. I’m referencing of course, the dead baby joke. (Turns to Minutes-taker) They’re booing.

Chairman:…………………….(more silence)…………………………………………….

Translator/Medium: Now I know that when people tell these jokes, they believe that it’s all in fun, and that nobody actually gets hurt from them, but just like racist jokes, the stereotypes these jokes create cause people to get the wrong impression. People get the idea that we are weak, or delicious, or that it’s okay to rape our dead bodies, and then a few people who are chemically imbalanced actually go out and perform these actions. I recall the story of a teenager who, after hearing a dead baby joke decided to murder as many babies as he could and put them in his garage because, and I quote, “I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.” Fellow dead babies, this is a tragedy of the worst kind, and it cannot stand. Further complicating this issue is that fact that as dead babies, we must rely on gifted people such as Sonja here to get our message across, and there’s also the fact that these jokes, if you’ll excuse my phrasing, have been “beaten to death”. If it weren’t for Chuck. Norris, middle school children across the country would still be telling these jokes everywhere. We’ve heard them all. But the question is, what do we do about them? Any comments?

Joe the dead baby: …………………………….

Translator/Medium: Hi, I’m Joe the dead baby. I was just curious. Do you think maybe the harms of these jokes could be a bit exaggerated? I mean we’re dead already, right? What do we care? There isn’t much we can do about it seeing as how we’re dead and all.

Chairman: …………………………

Translator/Medium: Well, I understand where you’re coming from, but I can’t say I quite agree with you. Just because it isn’t easy for us to do something doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. It used to be that the sight of a dead baby laying in a gutter somewhere commanded a reverent silence. Gone are those days. Now people merely point and laugh. We cannot be the butt of ridicule any longer!

VP:…………………..

Translator/Medium: Hear! Hear! (Pounds on table parliamentary style)

Lisa the dead baby: ………………………………….

Translator/Medium: Hi, I’m Lisa the dead baby. I died of SIDS. I was just going to say that the greatest challenge to our cause is the twisted sense of humor people have these days. More specifically, if Mrs. Of-the-all-seeing-eye here were to explain our difficulty, people would probably see that as a sick joke and laugh at her. In retrospect, I’m kind of surprised we managed to organize this.

Chairman:………………………………….

Translator/Medium: It took many donations and many possessions, but we did succeed in this and we can succeed in furthering this cause as well.

Tony the dead baby: ……………………………

Translator/Medium: Here’s an idea. Why don’t we hang around, wait for a person to tell a dead baby joke, possess a nearby person, and correct them on their mistake. Hopefully, reasonable people will listen.

Chairman:…………………………………..

Translator/Medium: That is a wonderful idea! Though it means we have to have an excellent sense of timing. I say the time to speak out is now! When eventually enough people know of the pain these jokes cause us, they too will speak out. Excellent!

Tom the Dead Baby:……………………………

Translator/Medium: Hi, I’m Tom the dead baby. I just died a couple of minutes ago and just joined the dead baby fold. I have to admit, I’m a little confused. Is there any place where I can get some information?

Chairman:……………………………………

Translator/Medium: Of course, we have some pamphlets right outside the hall. Just out of curiosity, are you the baby we just had killed? If so, I apologize. It’s just part of our policy here at the convention.

Tom:………………

Translator/Medium: Oh, that’s alright. To be frank, my life was crappy anyway. I was abandoned at birth and I’ve been living on the streets all my life. All three weeks. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find formula in the dumpster? Or to nurse from drunken hobos while they sleep? It’s not an easy life man. You did me a favor.

Chairman:……………………………..

Well, I apologize nonetheless. Anyway, do we have any further questions regarding the subject of dead baby jokes and their effect on us? Dead babies:…………………………..

Translator/Medium: Motion to move onto the next subject of concern?

VP:……….

Translator/Medium: Aye!

Treasurer:……….

Translator/Medium: Aye!

Chairman:……………………………………………………………………………

Translator/Medium: And Aye! Onto our next order of business then.

Dead Babies and the Media

Chairman………………………………..

Translator/Medium: The next issue I would like to raise is our lack of voice in issues that concern us. Because we are a minority, and because we are dead, we are often unable to communicate as we would like, and it is surprising just how little people know about us. A recent poll indicated that 9 out of ten Americans thought dead babies could swim, which I suppose could be considered half-true if our bodies floated from the excess gas that comes from decomposition, but I would hardly consider that swimming. Over in Europe, it isn’t much better. 40 percent of the population there don’t know what dead babies are, and 90 percent are unaware of the fact that A Modest Proposal was satire. Any suggestions on ways to draw more attention to our cause?

Secretary: ……………………….

Translator/Medium: Yes sir, I had an idea to raise dead baby awareness. It seems to me sir that PC talk is all the rage nowadays. Perhaps if we came up with a new term for ourselves that would increase our image? The phrase “dead baby” seems to have such negative connotations. I was thinking perhaps little dead people?

Chairman:……………………………..

Translator/Medium: I like the idea, but it seems that the phrase itself needs some work. We don’t want our name to be similar to that of another minority’s.

Jared the Dead Baby: …………………………………….

Translator/Medium: Hi, my name is Jared. I was aborted. How about “departed infants”? “Departed” suggests love and respect as well as people missing us. And “infants” suggests youth without suggesting immaturity. How cool is that?

Chairman:…………………………….

Translator/Medium: Perfect. From now on we shall call ourselves departed infants. Is there anyone here who does not like this name? Good, then we’ll keep it. Keep in mind, this also means we will have to change the name of the convention. We don’t want to confuse people like the NAACP.

VP:……………………………………

Translator/Medium: Does anybody else have any suggestions?

Treasurer: ……………………………….

Translator/Medium: Why don’t we have a departed infant awareness week? I can organize it, and if I posses an executive at PBS, we can raise a telethon to increase departed infant awareness.

Chairman:………………

Translator/Medium: Excellent idea! I’ll put you in charge of that. Well now, I bore of this. I could use a nice cocktail, perhaps a white Russian or something. Shall we be on to our final order of business?

Translator/Medium: Aye!

Treasurer:……….

Translator/Medium: Aye!

Chairman:……………………………………………………………………………

Translator/Medium: And Aye! Onto our last order of business then—

This Is the Police! Get Your Hands up Right Now!

Translator/Medium: Oh Crap. Not again. I’ve GOT A GUN! DON’T MAKE ME USE IT ON YOUR SORRY ASSES!

Cop 1: Drop the gun nice and slowly, we aren’t going to hurt you. Translator/Medium: I’m not going back there. You can’t make me.

Cop 2: (gags) Dear God, what’s that smell? Oh Jesus, look at all these dead babies.

Translator/Medium: You mean departed infants.

Cop 2: Excuse me?

Translator/Medium: You said dead babies. They don’t like being called that.

Cop 1: ……………..K.

Minutes-taker: Oh officer, you have to help me, she’s bat-fuck insane. She made me write out her entire conversation with herself. I’m telling you, she’s ape-shit crazy.

Translator/Medium: Shut-up and keep writing! This meeting isn’t over yet. (grabs Chairman) Step back or I’ll shoot him. I’ll do it!

Chairman:…………………………………

Translator/Medium: Please Sonja. Don’t do anything rash.

Translator/Medium: (Again): You shut up! I won’t go back.

VP: …………………………………………….

Translator/Medium: Oh Sonja, is it really all that bad? We’ll visit you there. We promise.

Cop 1: Yeah, what he said. Don’t be upset. They’ll take good care of you.

Chairman: …………………………………….

Translator/Medium: Seriously Sonja, you don’t want to shoot me. We’ll be waiting right here when you get out. You’ll be okay. (drops gun)

Translator/Medium (again): Okay, I’m sorry everyone.

Jared the dead baby: ………………………………………..

Translator/Medium: Don’t be. You tried to help us. Nobody has ever done that before. You are a wonderful person. But really, admit it. You’re freaking nuts.

Cop 1: Let’s tag her and bag her boys! I always wanted to say that. (To minutes taker) You’re going to be alright ma’am.

Minutes taker: Thank you so much officer.

Cop 1: You realize that you can stop writing now, right?

Minutes taker: Oh yes, of course.