UnScripts:Jehovah's Witness

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Damn you God! I'm gonna suuuuuuuue!!!

You can't just knock on my door, come into my home and ask me to be Jehovah's Witness!

Jehovah's Witness is a courtroom drama with a difference; God is standing trial. Forget OJ and MJ, this is the trial of the century as Lucifer sues Jehovah over his banishment from heaven. With everything at stake the question is: who will have the courage to refuse to be Jehovah's witness?

Main Characters[edit]

Lucifer (Lucy) - a young headstrong angel with a rebellious streak, he seeks justice and equality and is unable to hold back when he sees an abuse of power that he can stop.

Jehovah (Jeff) - the dictator of heaven and Earth, an old man set in his ways. He refuses to accept any change to his ancient regime and wants everybody to stay in their place.

Jesus (JC) - Jehovah's troubled son, sometimes liberal and other times like his fascist father. Jesus claims he is neutral within this conflict but some suggest otherwise...

Atticus Finch - the lawyer chosen to defend Lucifer after his success in that film with Gregory Peck.

Gabriel - another angel who claims he saw nothing, but is called to face some difficult questions...

Script Extracts[edit]

Opening Scene

(Courtroom in Limbo. The judge enters.)

Officer: All rise.

(The court rises. Present are Lucifer, his lawyer Atticus, Jehovah who is representing himself, his son Jesus, a few angels and the jury.)

Officer: Presenting case number 675 Lucifer vs. Jehovah.

Judge: Lucifer Vs. Jehovah, court is now in session. Please be seated. Mr. Finch...

Atticus: Your honour I would like to call my client Lucifer to the stand.

(Lucifer goes up to the stand and puts his hand on the bible, it starts to burn him.)

Lucifer: Argh! Jesus Christ!

Jesus: What?

Atticus: Just swear you'll tell the truth.

Lucifer: I will, I will.

Atticus: Mr. Lucifer please tell the court, in your own words, your complaint with Mr. Jehovah.

Lucifer: Alright well...I was contracted into heaven around the time of creation, and at first it was a pretty sweet gig. All we had to do was go down to Earth once in a while and give some messages to people and play those long trumpets. Things started to go downhill when Jesus was born. I don't have anything against my man JC but as soon as he bounced out of that virgin, the vibe in heaven just started changing.

Atticus: In what way?

Lucifer: Well at first it was just little things like Jesus would be would be taking the credit for our work, and we started to hate him. Then we realized that when Jehovah sent us to make water into wine et cetera he was actually orchestrating the whole thing to look like Jesus was doing it. It was annoying. I didn't complain though because I still wanted my job right? Then Jehova went way too far, letting Jesus into heaven! Jesus was walking around hanging out with us, which was cool at first, but then Jesus starts getting special treatment.

Atticus: What do you mean by 'special treatment'?

Lucifer: Well...look...and no offense JC it's not your fault...

Jesus: None taken man.

Jehovah: (under his breath) Dick.

Lucifer: Jehovah put JC in charge of us even though he didn't know jack shit about the work. Then we heard JC was getting paid more than us for half the work and I was thinking this isn't right. So I phone my union representative and then I find that Jehova has dissolved the Angels' Union altogether, alright so I take it higher, I take it to the boss himself. I gathered a small group of us and we went for a council with God giving our thoughts and views on the situation and he goes apeshit. He says he's not going to pay us at all if we keep whining on and that we should just take it or get out. Now I thought this is a little harsh considering all the work we've done for him so I was the first to say "that's outta line" and then grabs he and throws me off the cloud we're on.

Atticus: He literally throws you off the cloud? Physically?

Lucifer: Hell yeah! I break into Earth's atmosphere so hard that I'm on fire right? I plummet to the ground and make a crater...which I've brought pictures of...so basically that's how he rewards his workers. All I did was politely complain.

Atticus: No further questions your honour.

Bribing the Witness Scene

(Gabriel is sitting at home watching TV, it's late at night, there is a knock. Gabriel rises with caution and arms himself with a metal bar. As he opens the door gingerly a hand appears around his mouth and a gun to his head.)

Gabriel: Mmmf!

Voice: Now then my pretty little angel...we're gonna have a little talk.

(The assailant leads Gabriel back to the sofa and sits him down. In the light of the TV we see that it is St. Peter, the doorman of heaven and general heavy for Jehovah.)

St. Peter: OK listen to me you fuck. You gonna do the dirty on Jeff tomorrow?

Gabriel: I don't know what you're talking about.

St. Peter: Shut up. You dickless canary. You make me sick. I heard you made a deal with Lucy and the Witness Protection Programme, you're gonna testify against Jehovah.

Gabriel: So what if I am?

St. Peter: I'll tell you so what, I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking head right here and now unless you become Jehovah's Witness instead.


St. Peter: Keep your voice down, that's exactly what I'm doing. Now I'm not stupid. I know you could promise me one thing tomorrow and do the fucking opposite. Lucky for you Jehovah is a nicer guy than me.

(St. Peter reveals a suitcase and opens it.)

St. Peter: In this suitcase right here is $100,000. If you do the right thing tomorrow it's yours. If you do the wrong thing, then we will track you down. If you think you can hide from Jehovah you got another thing coming.

Gabriel: I'm just trying to tell the truth.

St. Peter: So Lucy offered you more money?

Gabriel: He didn't offer me any money, I just want to tell the court what I saw.

St. Peter: Well it's up to you, do you value truth over your life? Let me tell you now, Lucy fell off that cloud.

Gabriel: Is that what you really believe?

St. Peter: It's not a question of belief. I know.

Gabriel: Only because Jehovah told you. He's not right about everything, I don't even believe he created Earth.

St. Peter: You shut the fuck up.

Gabriel: No seriously I've been reading Darwin and-

St. Peter: Shut up!

Gabriel: I read online that Jeff probably found Earth fully formed and just picked two people to be -

St. Peter: Yeah and Bush was behind 9/11. Shut up seriously. I'm trying to do a job here.

Really Dramatic Scene Near the End

(Judge has called Gabriel to the stand.)

Judge: Sorry before you start...there's a little bit of confusion here...are you Jehovah's witness?

(Gabriel hesitates. There is dramatic music. He looks at Jehovah and then at Lucifer.)

Gabriel: No. I am here to tell you what I saw. You can make of it what you will. I saw Jehovah, that deity over there, throw Lucifer, that angel over there, off a cloud.

(There is a buzz and commotion in court.)

Judge: Silence in court!

Jehovah: (standing up) Lies! All lies! Lucifer's bribing him!

Judge: Sit down please Mr. Jehovah.

Jehovah: Me damn this all.

(Further commotion.)

Judge: Alright court is adjourned for fifteen minutes, I can't take this anymore.

(Outside the courtroom, in one of those little rooms. Lucifer is talking to Gabriel.)

Lucifer: I won't forget this man...I owe you one.

Gabriel: Better repay the debt fast then, I'm dead.

Lucifer: No way! Listen after I bust out of here I'm setting up a new place away from heaven and Earth.

Gabriel: Really?

Lucifer: Jeff won't have a clue where to look for you if you come with me.

Gabriel: I don't know...what's this place like?

Lucifer: It's gonna be beautiful man, it's like paradise a second time round. I almost called it Eden II in fact.

Gabriel: What name did you go with?

Lucifer: Hell.

Gabriel: Hell?

Lucifer: Trust me it's gonna be great, in a few years time all you'll hear is people saying "go to Hell"!

Verdict Scene

(Courtroom. Lucifer and Jehovah are standing up.)

Judge: In light of new testimony I find the defendant, Jehovah, guilty of attempted murder and abuse of workers rights. I therefore order you to pay Lucifer five billion souls and I sentence you to three thousand years of Christian worship.

Jehovah: Three thousand years!? Three thousand years of assholes praying and singing dumbass songs about me? WHAT!?

Judge: Take him away.