UnScripts:ER Alternate Episodes

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

Main Page | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection

Season 8: Episode 1 - Four Corners[edit]

At the Morbidity and Mortality Conference...

GREENE: Autopsy also revealed injuries to the spleen and superior mesenteric artery. Cause of death...exsanguination from multiple vascular injuries.

ZAGERBY: Why wasn't lidocaine given for stable v-tach?

GREENE: I didn't have the ACLS drug box with me.

ANSPAUGH: When transferring a critical patient?

GREENE: The trauma nurse ran out to get it, but then the doors closed unexpectedly.

ANSPAUGH: Leaving you alone with the patient?

GREENE: Yes. I don't know if it would have changed the outcome.

CORDAY: I'm sorry, did you say the original dysrhythmia was stable v-tach?


CORDAY: He had a pulse?

GREENE: That's correct.

CORDAY: So the patient was conscious?


CORDAY: Didn't realize that.

ANSPAUGH: Do you have anything to add, Dr. Carter?

CARTER: Well, there is a way we could find out for sure...

ANSPAUGH: How do you mean?

CARTER: After the attacks, hospital security had them install cameras in all the elevators. There should be a tape somewhere.

GREENE: Carter...(as if in shock)

WEAVER: (getting up) Yes, Dr. Carter is right. I'll have security bring it upstairs. Carter! Set up the projector. (leaves the room)

CARTER: (eagerly) Yes, ma'am! (leaves the room to find the projector)

ANSPAUGH: Well! We should have this all sorted out by lunch. Let's take a brief recess.

The doctors file out of the conference room, leaving Dr. Greene, who is silently banging his head on the podium.

Season 1 Episode 21 - House of Cards[edit]

Wendy enters Curtain Area 2 and sees Med student Deb Chen hovering over a patient...


Chen is inserting a central line in her junkie patient.

CHEN: Almost done...there!

WENDY: Are you crazy? You're not allowed to do a central line!

CHEN: I was just gonna get it started but then it seemed so easy...

WENDY: You'll get in trouble, I'll get fired.

CHEN: I suppose you're right. Better get someone...get Dr. Swift - he's new, and he won't be such a hardass.

WENDY: (looking horrified) I'll be right back!

Wendy leaves briefly, then returns with Dr. Swift.

SWIFT: Alright, give me the bullet.

WENDY: She was doing a central line...

CHEN: (interrupting) Dr. Swift, my junkie patient needed a central line. I started, but I thought it best that you look at it.

SWIFT: OK, let's see what we got here. Good, the line's in. That's half the battle.
Now all you have to do is remove the guidewire. Gentle does it. Easy....

Chen carefully removes the guidewire.

SWIFT: See? You can do it.

Dr. Benton enters the room.

BENTON: I call it luck.

SWIFT: Yeah? Where I come from there's no such thing as luck.

BENTON: Well. Good work, Miss Chen. Hemicolectomy, six a.m. sharp. Don't be late.

Dr. Benton leaves the room.

SWIFT: I see Benton's found himself a new pet!

Wendy stamps her foot in frustration and leaves the room with Dr. Swift. Chen smiles broadly, and leaves the junkie to sleep it off.

Season 8 Episode 11 - Beyond Repair[edit]

Joyce opens the door for Abby and lets her into the building...

JOYCE: You from Chicago?

ABBY: For a while now, yeah.

JOYCE: Originally?

ABBY: Minnesota. You?

JOYCE: Idaho. The potato part, not the white supremacist part. You want a beer?

ABBY: No thanks.

JOYCE: C'mon! Have a seat, you look like you've had a long day.

ABBY: No, really, I'm fine.

JOYCE: Suit yourself.

ABBY: What's that?

JOYCE: Oh that. Somebody left a perfectly good roller skate outside.

ABBY: Where's the other one?

JOYCE: We only need one, silly.

Brian appears at the top of the stairs. The women are startled as they get up from the stairs.
He moves down slowly, hurling epithets at Joyce.

BRIAN: You bitch! That's my beer!

Brian stumbles and falls down the stairs. He lies motionless at the bottom step.

JOYCE: Oh my God! Brian!

ABBY: Joyce, call 911.

JOYCE: Brian! Brian!

ABBY: Joyce, now!

Joyce goes upstairs to her apartment to call for help.
Abby feels for a pulse, and checks to see if Brian is breathing.

Season 4 Episode 21 - Suffer The Little Children[edit]

Doug and Carol are performing an ultra rapid detox procedure on a baby, when the monitor starts beeping...

ROSS: Pulse Ox 89.

CAROL: What's going on?

ROSS: Decreased breath sounds on the left...

CAROL: Maybe it's a collapsed lung. Should I get a portable x-ray?

ROSS: No, it can't be...the pressures aren't that high. I'm giving a hundred percent oxygen. Could be a mucus plug.

CAROL: I'll get a suction catheter...

Carol leaves the room.

Out in the hallway, Dr. Greene is writing on a chart for patient Pablo the Homeless Guy, assisted by Jeanie Boulet...

GREENE: Looks good. Infected abrasion...

JEANIE: Right here...

PABLO: She cleans up good, huh?

JEANIE: I'll change the dressings when you come in to see Haleh.

PABLO: Sure. On Thursday!

Dr. Greene gets up and starts to walk down the hall when he hears a monitor beeping. He opens the door to the room and draws the curtain...

ROSS: It's the secretions. OK, hook up the vent.

CAROL: Pulse Ox 98.

GREENE: What the hell is this?

ROSS: I can explain this to you. This boy is my patient...

GREENE: Ketamine drip? What are you doing in here?

ROSS: I'm doing an ultrarapid detox. Everything's under control.

GREENE: Like hell it is! You didn't even lock the door...

Doug and Carol look at each other. Mark pokes his head out into the hallway and looks around. He closes the door and locks it.

GREENE: Kerry's not around. We gotta get this kid up to the PICU. Do you have his chart?

ROSS: I wrote something down...

GREENE: Great Doug. Now we have to falsify a chart too.

CAROL: What are you so worried about? You're gonna die of a brain tumor anyway.

GREENE: Oh yeah. OK, gimme a chart, I'll sign it. The hell with Kerry.

ROSS: That's the spirit! (aside to Carol) Hey Carol, Mark's got a tumor?

CAROL: Uh huh.

ROSS: Well that explains why his head's a few pounds heavier...

GREENE: What was that, Doug?

ROSS: Uh...nothing. Mush!

The three leave the room with the baby and head for the elevator.

Season 9 Episode 10 - Hindsight[edit]

Luka is leaving the hospital for the night, with Harkins hot on his heels...

HARKINS: Luka! Hey, um...can we get some coffee or something? Doctor Lewis said I should go.

KOVAC: I need some sleep.

HARKINS: Yeah, but I could use the company and thought you might too.

KOVAC: I'm sorry about in the elevator.

HARKINS: It's OK. It's a crappy day.

KOVAC: Maybe I gave you the wrong idea last night.

HARKINS: Not at all. Look, can I get a ride?

KOVAC: No, I can't take you home. I'm hung over, been messing up all day, and I probably won't be any good in bed.

HARKINS: Good in bed? (she asks incredulously.)

KOVAC: I see how you look at me in the trauma room. I know you want me.

HARKINS: Yeah, right! Just because you're tall and good looking doesn't mean I'm going to jump into bed with you.

KOVAC: (mocking) Really? Is that so?

HARKINS: Yeah! I'm not that 300 dollar an hour hooker you've been seeing!

He pauses, as if stunned, then regains his composure with a smirk...

KOVAC: How do you know that?

HARKINS: She's my cousin. We talk on the phone - all the time. She tells me everything.

KOVAC: (sounding interested) Really! What's her name? I never got to find out...

HARKINS: Levitra. We're like peas in a pod.

KOVAC: Well then you can take your peas to the subway, because you're not riding with Luka. Good night.

Luka gets in his car and drives away, leaving Harkins standing there holding a bag of frozen peas.


KOVAC: Hey! Who turned out the lights?!

(sound of crash)

Season 11 Episode 19 - Ruby Redux[edit]

Carter is explaining the risks of surgery to Mr. Rubadoux...

RUBADOUX: You lied to me! And I believed you! My Silvie, my Silvie. She was really something.

Carter pulls up a stool and sits down

CARTER: Mister Rubadoux, what you have wrong with you, aortic stenosis, can oftentimes be corrected with surgery. But that doesn't mean that that's the right thing for you to do. You're eighty five years old, you have chronic respiratory problems. The chances of you coming through the surgery and getting back to the shape that you're in right now...pretty slim. If you go ahead with it, there is a good chance that you will never leave this hospital again. You'll be connected to a ventilator, and you will live out the remainder of your life in the intensive care unit. Now, without the surgery, it's true you're not going to get any better. But, I believe that you will leave this hospital under your own power, and you will have more time with the people that you love. You will have more time...being the person that you are today. And yes...ten years ago I lied to you about your wife. But I am not lying to you right now.

Rubadoux stares at Carter, waiting for him to flinch...

CARTER: Okay, you got me. I'm just teasing you, Mister Rubadoux! Sure, of course you can have the surgery. You're good to go. You just have to sign some paperwork...

RUBADOUX: Wow! You really mean it?

Carter hands Mr. Rubadoux a clipboard.

CARTER: Sign...right...there...great! Thank you. Someone will be here in a few minutes to take you up to the surgical floor.

RUBADOUX: Bless you, doctor Carter! I knew you had the goods! Bless you!

CARTER: De nada! Good luck, Mister Rubadoux.

RUBADOUX Call me Ruby!


ABBY: Not as many people as I expected. None, actually.

CARTER: Well, Ruby didn't have many friends.

ABBY: Must have been his sparkling personality...

CARTER: I'm disappointed your brother didn't show up.

Abby stares at him incredulously. Then, Carter recognizes someone struggling with a walker in the distance. She is coming toward Abby and Carter...

SILVIE: (sounding winded) At least I made it!

CARTER: Silvie! What are you doing here? I thought you'd died!

ABBY: Oh...my...God...

CARTER: Mrs. Rubadoux, this is my friend Abby Lockhart. Abby, meet Silvie Rubadoux.

ABBY: A pleasure.

CARTER: So, what brings you to this neck of the woods?

SILVIE: I decided the least I could do was attend my husband's funeral. After a few decades with that man, I had to resort to desperate measures. So I faked my own death. It was the only way to get away from him! Every day, it was My Silvie this, and My Silvie that... My name's Helen, not Silvie! I just couldn't take it anymore!

CARTER: You and me both! Shall we?

SILVIE: Oh yes, we shall!

Silvie takes Carter's arm, and the three slowly make their way out of the cemetery.

Season 15 Episode 21 - I Feel Good[edit]

Brenner is writing on the board when he hears Neela's voice...

CHUNY: Neela's showing us her office.

GATES: Simon's here.

NEELA: Hey there! This is my new home.

BRENNER: That's impressive!

NEELA: Oh, check this out... (She pulls off her ID badge and shows it to the camera. It says LORENTZ MEDICAL CENTER)

GATES: Wow! Assistant Professor of Surgery!

NEELA: We get residents from Tulane, so I do have a faculty position.

BRENNER: Well, I'll be sure to tell Dubenko...

RAY: I brought the stuff you wanted from home. Who're you talking to?

NEELA: County.

RAY: Yeah? Hey guys. He peers into the camera

CHUNY: Hi Ray!


NEELA: Um...I'm gonna be late for the OR. I just wanted to check in.

FRANK: Call anytime.

CHUNY: Yeah, we miss you.

BRENNER: Take care.


RAY: Looks like I win! Frank, show him the door prize...

BRENNER: (Under his breath) Paraplegic git!

RAY: Aussie pedophile...

BRENNER: Cretin...

RAY: Ass face...

NEELA: So Gates, are we still on for next week?

Everyone looks at Gates, who is eating a sandwich

GATES: (Seeing that everyone's staring at him) What?!