UnScripts:A Midsummer Knight's Cream

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A Midsummer Knight's Cream - Shakespeare's less well know sequel short story to his bestselling historical tragedy-comedy 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' in which the humiliated Bottom leaves the forest and becomes a butter-churner. This was part of Shakespeare's anthology 'Saucy Stories and Sequels' which also included such greats as 'As You Spike It', 'Dick the III' and 'The Hairy Wives of Windsor'. It was speculated that this sequel was not so successful as its predecessor due to its X-rated content and similarity to '3D monsters XVII'

Enter small cottage in the woods. We see Bottom (our hero) sitting dejectedly over his churn

Bottom: (sobbing) I hate faeries with their stupid wings and pathetic magic. I mean, was it not enough for them to make me look a right ass but now the faerie children come along to my house grinning stupidly as they ask me if I should be taking Jesus somewhere or that there is a donkey sanctuary nearby. Well they can all just Puck off.

Peter Quince: (bursting in shouting) Bottom, how woulds't thou like to reclaim thine dignity off've the humiliaton of those naughty faeries!

Bottom: Oh shut up Quince you don't really talk like that you nonce, you're not a bloody thespian.

Peter Quince: What's a thespian?

Bottom: Oh never mind, what do you want?

PQ: I'm saying you have a chance to get your own back on the winged twats over in the magical forest.

B: What! How!

PQ: The bi-millennium faerie butter-churning competition is this week-end and first prize is the chance to shit on Queen Titania

B: What, why would I want to shit on her?

PQ; Oh sorry no, HIT on her, basically you get to flirt with her, take her out, show her a good time and then maybe shag her senseless behind yon magical inn

B: That sounds perfect! I finally can show the faeries where to stick their magic wands, and where I'm going to be sticking MY magic wand if you know what I mean!

PQ: I preferred you when you were a donkey you disgusting human - I can see why you're called bottom.

B: (Interrupting) Why, because I spend most of my time near twats!

P: Oh shut up, TO THE CHURNS!

(Cue 'Eye of the tiger' playing as a montage of cliched intensive butter churning shots take place.)

Later, cut to B and PQ turning up at the churn-off.

Oberon: Contestants welcome to our'e faerie glade where thine butter-churned shalt be done. May thine butter turne well for ye winner shalt gaine thy chance to giveth a right good rogering to mine beloved wife Titania. Let the churning begin!

Bottom and his fellow competitors furiously begin to churn and shape their butter into pats. Competitors slowly fall away until the only two left are Bottom and his nemesis Puck the trickster faerie, both aggressively making their butter as PQ and Puck's coach exchange threatening glances and mouth insults at each other.

B: You haven't got a chance Puck, that butter looks worse than Hermia after the great Athens pub-crawl last April!

Puck: Oh really, well I'm going to beat you because my skills as a churner are far superior to your petty mortal talents, I mean do you even dairy mate?

B: Oh I do indeed dairy, and I am feeling even more confident now that your butter looks like it is having some trouble!

P: Oh no! My butter is just staying as cream!

Oberon: Time up, stop churning, it looks like Bottom is the winner!

Bottom proudly grasps the butter churning cup and casts a saucy glance at Titania as the scene fades to black.

Cut to old man sitting in comfy armchair closing large leather bound book in front of fireplace, you know what it looks like.

Old man: And so Bottom finally claimed his victory and restored his dignity, and let me tell you kids, Puck's butter wasn't the only thing that creamed that evening!