UnNews:Eating babies is not a crime!

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By Frankie, UnNews donor and generally nice guy

I can't believe that Barack Obama and his tyrannical government regime passed a bill yesterday outlawing the consumption of infants in all U.S. territories! He tried to justify his actions by saying that eating babies was "objectively immoral" and he was "surprised that this hadn't been done several hundred years earlier", but I am calling this man out on his bullcrap! There's absolutely nothing wrong with eating babies. It's the natural order of things. I have a light snack of toddler every day to go with my Happy Meal, and the worst I've gotten from other patrons at McDonald's is a dirty look or two!

This is simply yet another liberal attempt to infringe on American freedom, and thanks to all the hype over less important things like nuclear threats and tsunamis, this bill isn't getting close to the outrage it deserves from the press or the people! It's a good thing I make it a point to keep up with this kind of stuff, because otherwise, it would have gotten lost in the constant rabble of politics for sure! I want this administration to repeal this law, if not by principle, by the cold hard facts!

1. Babies are a rich source of protein. That makes them an essential part of any healthy diet, and forcing us to maintain an unhealthy diet would be nothing less than a form of oppression! How do you think vegetarians stay alive? Baby meat is the only meat familiar enough to raise no concerns with said veggie lovers, and without it, the vegetarians will all die out! If this legislative mistake isn't undone soon, we'll all have blood on our hands!
2. It keeps the population in check. A friend of mine told me that there's like a million trillion people in this country right now! Do you think we have the resources to support that? If you don't legalize newborn meals, we'll end up resorting to tactics that actually are immoral, like birth control!
3. It keeps kids off the streets. Most of the babies I find are in dumpsters or abandoned by their parents in some other way. Do you know what those babies would have grown to be? Common criminals, burdens on society, billionaires that cheat on taxes. I'm helping you people, goddamn it! When will you learn to respect that?

There are many, many more reasons for us to return to our kiddie-chewing status quo, but I won't dwell on them, because I think you federal snobs got the message. Until next time, this is Frankie of UnNews, signing out.

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