UnBooks:Wuthering Heights

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Wuthering Heights - still in print today.

Wuthering Heights is an Amish Romance/Anime/Fanfiction by Emily Brontë. Written around 3000 B.C., many years before romance novels were really a thing, Emily Brontosaur did not publish Wuthering Heights until 1847, but under her pen name "Alexander Graham Bell". It is considered the first "smut" in the English language, and it is believed to be the source of inspiration for Fifty shades of grey. The novel is an annoyingly framed narrative. Technically, it is a story inside of a story inside the mind of of an unusually horny Englishwoman named "Nelly", which is somehow short for Ellen, and Nelly tells this story to Lockwood, a dinosaur looking for a mate around Wuthering Heights, which is the name of the big house that many of the characters hook-up in. In her fantasy story, Nelly fantasizes about an unusually horny man named Heathcliff who is also part dinosaur. She imagines being called "Catherine" because the name really turns Heathcliff on, and she really wants Heathcliff to "destroy her" and "eat her out," the latter phrase being interpreted as a euphemism for reptile dietary habits.

Although Wuthering Heights is now widely regarded as a classic of English literature, contemporary reviews for the novel were deeply polarized; the snobby Victorians of the time didn't know how to react to the graphic portrayals of dinosaur intercourse, although those hypocritical floozies probably touched themselves at night while reading the novel. Its portrayal of BDSM among dinosaurs was praised, however, as critics were tired of reading boring books like A Tale of Two Cities and Anime. Today, critics of the novel still believe that "Wuthering" is not even a real word.

The novel has inspired countless fanfiction and sequels, most notably Fifty shades of grey and Arthur. It even inspired an erotic song written 1978 by Kate Bush, who might be related to George Bush.


Cathy maintained her golf handicap whilst she waited for Heathcliff to return.

Opening (Chapters 1 to 3)[edit]

In 1801, Lockwood, a horny dinosaur, really wants to do it with another dinosaur. Because the fast-paced world of London is not very friendly to dinosaurs, he runs away to Wuthering Heights looking for a mate, where he meets the horny Nelly "Ellen" Dean. After being told not to pleasure himself there, as it would disturb the ghosts that haunt the house, Nelly offers to read Lockwood her fanfiction. Lockwood consents, but he secretly hopes that Nelly is a dinosaur as well.

Heathcliff's childhood (Chapters 4 to 17)[edit]

Nelly begins her story. In her story, she imagines an a human/dinosaur man named "Heathcliff" after a nearby cliff named "Heath". She vividly describes a young girl named Catherine who is very attractive and has her own bakery. Catherine's name alone really turns Heathcliff on. Heathcliff tries to get with her, and Catherine thinks it's really hot, but she decides to play hard-to-get which really pisses Heathcliff off. On top of that, the neighbours, who are also all named Catherine, make fun of Heathcliff for being poor, or at least for looking poor. Heathcliff leaves.

Heathcliff's maturity (Chapters 18 to 31)[edit]

This part of the novel doesn't contain many words. Instead, Nelly viciously describes Heathcliff becoming hot and learning of his dinosaur powers. There's lots of sex.

Heathcliff's return (Chapters 32-666)[edit]

Heathcliff returns to try to get with Catherine. However, she is married to Catherine Edgar Linton. To try to make Catherine (the first one) jealous, he marries Catherine Edgar's sister, Catherine Isabella Linton. They even have a baby named "Catherine Linton Heathcliff" who is a total pussy. Catherine Linton Heathcliff kind of just dies, and so do both Catherine Isabella Linton and Catherine Edgar Linton; however, Catherine (the first one) gives birth to a daughter named Catherine Catherine Linton, whom they nickname "Chrysanthemum". Chrysanthemum is a real bitch just like her mom, and she makes fun of Heathcliff for being a loser. In rage, Heathcliff turns to BDSM, which Chrysanthemum really likes, because she's horny just like her mom.

Wuthering Heights: Illustrated Playboy centrefold edition

Ending (Chapters 667-934)[edit]

The rest of Nelly's story is too inappropriate for both Lockwood and Nelly. Lockwood leaves, but upon leaving, he meets a ghost named Catherine Catherine Earnshaw Linton Heathcliff Catherine who goes by "Cathy". From Cathy, Lockwood learns that Nelly is Catherine (the first one), and that he is Heathcliff, which explains why Lockwood is also a dinosaur because having two human/dinosaur characters would have been really repetitive. Nelly, or Catherine, falls in love with Lockwood, or Heathcliff, and they engage in really inappropriate BDSM intercourse. But before they can have babies, Cathy attacks, and with her are Catherine Joseph and Catherine Zillah. Nelly and Lockwood are able to defeat the other Catherines, and then Lockwood transforms into a dinosaur and does Nelly really hard against that gate that surrounds Wuthering Heights.


Darcy emerging from the sea.
  • Heathcliff: A really horny human/dinosaur. He is actually Lockwood, and he really wants to do Catherine.
  • Catherine Earnshaw: She is an upper-class dinosaur who likes to play hard-to-get. She is believed to be a stand-in for Emily Brontë, who imagined really dirty things with Heathcliff.
  • Catherine Edgar Linton: The annoying dinosaur who gets with the first Catherine that Heathcliff tried to get with.
  • Nelly Dean: The main narrator of the novel, Nelly is a servant with too much time on her hand. Always horny, she is known for writing much dinosaur fiction, although most of it is too erotic for children. She is actually Catherine
  • Catherine Isabella Linton: Catherine's sister.
  • Catherine Hindley Earnshaw: Catherine's brother.
  • Hareton Earnshaw: The only non-dinosaur character of the novel. He is a rabbit of Canadian descent. The wealthy dinosaurs pick on him for not eating meat. Much of the plot involves Hareton's struggle with being a Vegan pussy.
  • Catherine Linton: The daughter of the bigger Catherine. She is really horny thanks to Nelly who let her read her fanfiction.
  • Catherine Linton Heathcliff: Annoying bitch dinosaur.
  • Catherine Joseph: The annoying dinosaur who is an active member of both the Mormon church and the Atheist church.
  • Catherine Lockwood: He is Nelly's imaginary dinosaur boyfriend. He is the great grandfather of George Bush.


1500: Nelly is born
1757: The revolutionary war. Everything after is just dinosaur sex.



Heathcliff's desire to do Catherine "really hard against the moors" show the dangers of unrequited dinosaur Veganism.


Nelly was Goth. She was also into Anime and Amish romance. Her love for Gothic culture makes sense given the novel's time period and literary era and blah.


Nelly cultivated eagles in her backyard along with several kinds of cannabis.

Critical response[edit]

Early reviews (1847–1848)[edit]

People didn't know how to respond, but they read it any way. The dinosaur sex seemed to really turn people on, considering that many people of the time transformed into dinosaurs because Heathcliff seemed really hot to them.


Mostly porn. There is a musical adaption written also by Emily Brontosaur, although it is rarely performed due to its requirements for actual dinosaurs.

Works inspired[edit]

Arthur's roots lie in this strange novel. Muffie and Arthur are thought to be based off of Catherine and Heathcliff, respectively, which makes sense considering Arthur's habits of locking other animals in a room or forcing them into bondage or submission.