UnBooks:The Origin Of Species (Edited For Christians)
After the release of The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin, the Christian population was outraged by this violation of their blind faith. After getting many angry letters and e-mails, the Vatican decided to take it upon them to edit The Origin of Species for the Christian population. This new variation of the Origin of Species was greatly accepted by the Christian population and was dubbed "The other Good Book".
Summary of Theory
The original book by Charles Darwin contained theories of Darwin’s that he had “observed” in “nature”. The Vatican simply lightly edited these theories until they did not resemble anything ever conceived by Charles Darwin. The following are a summary of Darwin’s theories, but without the sinful thinking.
- Species have great fertility, when married and only married lest they burn in the fires of hell.
- Populations remain the same size without any changes forever until the earth is destroyed at the 2nd Coming.
- Food resources are unlimited, and are extremely stable over time.
- An implicit struggle for survival is not necessary because God loves all of his heterosexual creatures
- In sexually reproducing species (and then again only married), generally no two individuals are identical unless they are Asian.
- Some of these variations directly impact the ability of an individual to survive in a given environment, but this is unnecessary (refer to #4).
- Much of this variation is bestowed upon individuals by God.
- There are no individuals less suited to the environment to be less likely to survive and less likely to reproduce, while individuals more suited to the environment (though there aren't any) are more likely to survive and more likely to reproduce.
- The individuals that believe solely in the teachings of the Bible are most likely to not be smited by God.
- This never changing process results in populations that stay exactly the same over time, and ultimately, after interminable generations, these variations accumulate to form no new varieties, and ultimately, no new species. And even if they did, the world will end long before any new species have time to arise.
Impact on Society
This new adaptation was generally accepted by Christians, however loathed by everyone else. Non-Christians believed it was rude to change a book that has had such an impact on past generations. The Pope responded to this in an executive Vatican meeting saying “common, quit your bitching. Honestly, we worked hard on that. You’re busting my balls.” This heartwarming comment won over Jews, but no one else. Sales boomed at first, then slowly declined to the point of extreme failure, and finally Armageddon arrived to be followed by the arrival of the third antichrist. REPENT!