UnBooks:Elvis Presley: The UnAutobiography
Foreword[edit]
Well, as the offical critic for this user, I think that Elvis Presley: The UnAutobiography is one of the DUMBEST autobiographies I have ever read. This actually has PICTURES! This has a picture of ME! Real books don't have pictures! I am starting to wonder if Elvis really wrote this.YOU SHOULD STOP READING RIGHT NOW!!! With hate , Ronald McDonald
Chapter I: Overview[edit]
Hi. My name's Elvis Presley. I've reincarnated myself to tell you the story of my life. If you haven't heard of me, you either are A.From another planet B.A baby C.Too wrapped up in modern music or D.Less intelligent than someone with every type of autism in the world. So for you guys, My names's Elvis Presley. You may call me Elvis. I was the most famous singer in the 1950's-1970's. There were many jealous people that tried to kill me including Johnny Cash, Fats Domino, Johnny Cash, The Beatles, Chuck Berry, NSYNC okay, maybe not, and especially JOHNNY CASH!!! I HATE YOU JOHNNY! YOUR VOICE WAS WORSE THAN BRITNEY SPEARS AND STEVE URKEL'S PUT TOGETHER!!!!! YOU STUPID... Sorry about that. I sang famous singles such as "Jailhouse Rap", "Hate Me Untenderly" and "Oops, I Did It Again okay, maybe not.
Chapter II: Early Life[edit]
I was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. My father Vernon, had many low paying jobs, we often ran out of food because of his mediocore attempts of living life. I always hated him, because he wouldn't buy me a Hershey bar every day. 5 cents was a LOT of money for us, he said. My mother, Gladys, was a huge hag. She was very cranky, and I had to sleep with her due to Dad not being able to afford another bed. I was seen as a Christian, but disproved later in my life. (you'll see why.) I often wasted my life by listening to the radio. I got always C's on my report cards. When one came home, Dad spanked me with a thick block of wood, then took away my radio for a week. You know, people at school called me a "Momma's Boy" because I had to sleep with her, just like I had any alternatives. I hated socialism, so I was always a loner at school. But that changed later in my life. I appeared at many amateur talent fairs, I always won due to bribing the judges. I always wasted my prize money on bubble gum, when I could have given it to Dad, but I am a selfish jerk, worse than Scrooge. I was meaner than a lion being threatened. I wanted a rifle for my birthday, some liars think it was a bicycle, but as a punishment for bad grades, they bought me a guitar instead. I moved to Memphis, went to high school there, they called me "Dumber than a majorly retarded hog", since I played hillbilly music. Nobody wanted me to perform. Nobody wanted me to eat lunch. Nobody wanted me to be a that school. Everyone wanted me to wear no clothes and dance the Hokey Pokey. Everyone wanted me to smash a PS3 Root Beer barrel over my head. I barely graduated and worked at Crown Electric sharpening pencils due to my "mental inferiority". WHY DID I HAVE TO BE A PENCIL PUSHER?!!! WHY DID I HAVE TO GET LOW WAGES?!!! WHY DID I HAVE TO WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR?!!! WHY DID I HAVE TO PUT NEW PANTS ON EVERY TIME I WET THE ONES I HAD ON ?!!!!!!!!YOU LITT... Sorry, let's move on.
Chapter III:Early Recordings and Performances[edit]
Sometime in July of 1953, I went to Sun Studios to record a present for my girlfriend, Dixie Locke. So I sang "My Heartaches" and "That's When Your Happiness Begins". Before recording, Sam Phillips asked me who I sound like. I said I didn't sound like anybody. When I got done,
he said I sound like Johnny Cash. That's how our rivalry began. Dixie listened to it, she said that my voice is a ripoff of Johnny Cash's. Then she broke the record and told me to go back to my mom's. It was never released for the public. Then I sang a whole bunch of other crap unreleased. Then I sang That's all Not Right, Me and Dixie were planning to listen to it on its premeire on the radio, but I was too afraid to listen to it because I was afraid I was going to wet my pants in front of Dixie. So I went to the movies instead. I don't know why, but everyone that listened to it thought I was black. So in the middle of my movie, Mom pulled me out to reveal to the public my whiteness. I wet my pants and Dixie broke up with me. (sob, sob.) I sang a whole bunch of other horrible music for Sun. I did loads of useless performing. but then I met this man named Colonel Tom BParker. He got me out of that horrible studio and into RCA Victor. RCA got $35,000 and I got $5,000, more money than I have ever seen in my life. Colonel got 50%, when I was living, I thought he was a great man, but now, I see him as a jerk. COLONEL GOT MILLIONS I DESERVED! I COULD'VE GOTTEN A BETTER HOUSE! I COULD'VE GOTTEN A 3RD JET! I COULD'VE BOUGHT THE USA! I COULD'VE MADE ALL OF YOU READING THIS SLAVES TO MY NEW WORLD ORDER! YOU STUPID, RETARDED COLONE... Sorry.
Chapter IV The 50's[edit]
For me, the 50's were my best years. I had good times in the 50's. I released my first nationwide RCA single, LiverBroke Motel. It was RCA's first million record. As with Sun, RCA made me sing a whole bunch of country crap. Then they let me sing Rock and Roll. You know, I sang at Las Vegas, they said my songs stunk worse than a skunk next to moldy food. Then I went to the Milton Berele Show, the band broke their bones on purpose and I had to perform my Rock and Roll without them. Then I went onto Steve Allen's show. He liked to ruin singer's reputations. He dressed me in a blue powdered tuxedo and made me stand still and sing a slow tempo version of Hound Dog to a live hound dog. THAT IDIOT! HE RUINED ME! HE MADE THE PUBLIC HATE ME! HE MADE COMMUNISTS PREVAIL! HE MADE THE EARTH STOP ROTATING! HE MADE VENUS CRASH INTO MARS!!! HE IS EVIL!!!!!!!! HE IS A S... Sorry. Just expressing my feelings.
Luthor Allen thought I was talentless, so why did he have me on his show? He is more moronic than a woodchuck without a brain. Some stupid Gospel Quartet accompanied me called the Ordinaires. They were very ordinary. The Ordinaires were very ordinary. We recorded Please Be Cruel, Amy, You Want Me and Hound Dog, except much better than Demon Steve Allen's version. Satanic Steve Allen's show got higher ratings than Ed Sullivan's with me on there. So Ed booked me up for 3 shows. I got $50,000. I was sad, I wanted $500,000! Ed censored the 3rd show.
I used to go crazy for teenagers. I danced and went crazy for them. I would reach out to them during concerts. Critics yelled at me for this and how crappy my music sounds. Frank Sinatra even said "Presley's music sounds worse than screechy opera!" I don't know how Sinatra could insult me like that. He is a man dumber than a head of lettuce! They yelled at me for being a "sexy" example to teenagers, but I was just trying to impress them, because I was crazy over them. I bought InGracefulLand as a house. I am racist because I sang black music, there, I admit it! Okay! So, I released singles in the late 50's such as "Vicious Bear", and "Too Little". Now, that's it for my 50's life.
Chapter V: The 60's[edit]
I starred in Hate Me Untenderly The Movie. Then Jail House Rap The Movie. Then the STUPID government made me go into the Army, I went into the Army. I asked to join Special Services, but they wouldn't let me!!! I constantly drank , contradicting my claim to be a Christian in my early life. My Momma died and I wept paraded for days! A bad figure of my childhood was gone! Yay! I went to Germany for the Army for no reason, except to make the US look like a moronic country. I returned 3 years later to make a whole bunch of crap... comedy musicals to promote sales of records. I only liked one of my movies, Charro, since it's not a musical. Frank Sinatra and Johnny Cash, my 2 enemies, did an anti-welcome home Elvis show.
I married a much younger woman named Priscilla. I cheated on her with many other women. But I had a kid named Lisa Marie. The Colonel fired my original band to be a jerk to them. The Memphis Mafia mislead me. Dad knew they were bad for me, but my jerkiness told me to disobey him. You know, there were several songs recorded that I didn't like. The jerkish media told me to sing them though. I did a Christmas special which relaunched my concert career, since I kept on complaining about my recording career. I set records in Las Vegas in 1699. 1969. That's it for my 60's life.
Chapter VI: The 70's[edit]
I went to visit Richard Nixon to try to kill him with a handgun due to the Watergate Scandal. He foiled my plot and confiscated the handgun. I made history with the first global broadcast, the Aloha From Hawaii concert.
I took sleeping pills to go to sleep, Pills to wake me up and Pills to diet. I was outraged when my Karate instructor, Mike Stone stole my wife and kid from me! MUST KILL STONE! MUST KILL STONE! MUST KILL STONE!!! MUS... I'm sorry! I miss Priscilla! I became very fat, and I refused to lose weight! I'm too lazy of a man to do it! My singing got horrible, I forgot words on purpose, and I was fat! I was distracting myself, so I wouldn't have music record to. I often did things like that. See the lyrics from my last concert. "Because My Boy is all I have, Yes, my life and pride is yours, and stay ifido, because you of My Boy." While the correct lyrics are "Because My Boy is all I have, Yes, my life and pride is yours, and stay ifido,because you of My Boy." No that's not it. I'm just like the 700's! Or was it 70's? Or 80's? Or 12150's? Well it's that.
Chapter VII:Final Year And Death(Don't Read It)[edit]
Notes of Un-Interest:From this point on, we will be translating Presley's crap into proper English, since he is back to getting words mixed up, as in his final concerts. For those of you that disobeyed my command, you are more ILLITERATE THAN A BOOK WITH NO WORDS!!! STOP READING RIGHT NOW, DUMMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STO... Sorry, just got mad at you disobeying my command, however, here is the rest. I continued taking drugs and even shortened my concerts. I pretended I could barely talk. The Memphis Mafia released a book about my drug habits. HOW COULD THEY? THOSE MORONS RELEASED A BOOK ABOUT MY DRUG HABITS!!! THO... Sorry. On August 16, I had an all-right morning. But then, I had to use the toilet. I had a very slow heart and died trying to use the toilet, no stool came out, I just died. Then I went to Hell. I stayed there for 30 years. The Devil gave me permission to come back to Earth just to publish this autobiography, to disprove all biographies. You know, nowadays, they have these singers that suck Elvis Impersonators. They all suck because none of them sound like me. So with this testament, I go back to my rightful place. See Ya! THE END
Editor's Notes[edit]
The things in the beginning and middle were struck for comedy. The ones toward the end were striked because Elvis got them wrong. I was too lazy to edit the captions that Elvis got wrong. So hope you enjoyed!