UnBooks:Choose Your Own Adventure:One Ordinary Day/AttackWithBat

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This is the same picture as in the previous page. You just need to realize how tremendous that stache truly is.

You silently pick up the bat next to the end table in your living room. You sneak up behind the man, who seems too interested in face-fucking your mom with his tongue to notice. As you stand up to attack him, you scream as loud as you can- a-la Braveheart[1] -and swing the bat down like you are chopping wood with an axe. It seems, however, that your scream gets his attention away from licking your mom's esophageal lining, as nothing else could. Just as he is about to get cracked with the bat, he turns around to face you. The bat hits him square in the mustache, which, you find out suddenly, seems to be springier than rubber. The bat bounces back, hitting you in the temple.

You drop immediately to the floor, fighting a losing battle to stay conscious. You feel the man walk over to you.

"A natural Alexander Hamilton you got here," he says over to your mom. "Well, let me tell you something, kid," he says quietly into your ear as your eyes start to droop, "I'm very good at playing the part of Aaron Burr..."

You wake up in a dark room, strapped down to a table. You look over to the left to see him sitting in a chair, playing with the bat in his hands, wearing a "Tommy loves the Mocha Princesses" t-shirt. It seems you probably shouldn't have attacked this guy after all. He seems a little unhinged.

"Oh, good you're up," he says to you. "You know what kid, I once said 'No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.' Looks like I'm going to have to go back on that one, eh?" he says quietly to you before letting out an over-the-top laugh.

Yup, totally unhinged. The last thing you remember is him breaking every bone in your body over a two-week period.

You Are Dead
  1. If Braveheart was made with pre-teenage pussies