Um
Um is the single most useful word ever invented. Um is a fascinating word that gives the user time to breathe and think of something suitably intelligent to say, they can also decide whether or not the statement will be well-received by the target audience and whether they should lie or not. Um is also the noise someone who thinks they are really smart, an accountant or a terminator makes when you ask them a question they do not know the answer to, though this can go on for up to ten minutes while their brains have time to re-boot.
The invention of 'um'[edit]
Um was invented in the caveman days. Cavemen were not, in fact, idiots. Well, not by modern-day chav standards anyway, the favorite pastime of the caveman was to perform a primitive stand-up comedy routine on the spot. This often led to the same jokes being repeated and the cavemen in - fish food - question having stuff thrown at them (you want me to elaborate on which stuff? I don’t know, caveman stuff.) Until one day one of them used the word ‘um’, thus enabling them to think of a whole new array of interesting jokes. He then went on to write the first dictionary. Unfortunately the first dictionary contained ‘um’ and all 300 of its cousins, and that is why we associate cavemen with such primitive speech today.
It was shortly after this that a spaceship landed containing humans as we know them today and killed all the cavemen, evolution is false, take that Charles Darwin!
’Um’ in politics[edit]
Another reason the word ‘um’ has a negative image is because of its repeated use by politicians. This is actually because politicians run on a Windows 98 operating system, meaning they have to reboot their own systems after almost every word.
Cuba was the first country ever to have an ‘um’ government. Which basically means everyone does whatever the hell they like because the government really has no idea what is going on and doesn’t really care either. George Umford led this ‘um’ government before he was eaten by fellow dictator Fidel Castro.
An ‘um’ government is very popular today, with over half the countries in the world using it. Sub-versions include "Err", "Uh..." and "Ermm...".
When not to say ‘um’[edit]
Though amazing, there are times when the word ‘um’ should not be used. Women do not understand the word ‘um’, they need split-second answers every time they ask “have I put on weight?” or similar questions.
Things to say instead of 'um'[edit]
As I said earlier, ‘um’ has many cousins such as ‘er’ and ‘uhh’. There are also others such as ‘hmmm’ and ‘ah...’ even some short words such as ‘yes’ and ‘well’ can be used in the same sense as the word ‘um’, though they are not classed as actual cousins.
Conclusion[edit]
In conclusion ‘um’ has given humanity a lot through the ages. Though some people relate the word ‘um’ with only the dumbest among us, those people are, in fact, dumb themselves, and should be laughed at with every opportunity.