HowTo:Not Get in Trouble
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Countless people have been put to death for getting in trouble. Some were guilty, some were innocent. In this article I will show you all you need to know to, for example, get away with beating an old lady over the head with a bag of nickels and stealing her purse.
NOTE: These strategies WILL NOT get you out of trouble if you have written a crappy article. Furthermore, this article will not show you how to get away with any internet crime, as all the child porn on your computer is incriminating.
While doing the crime you'll want to leave as many holes open as possible. I like planting fake evidence, such as drugs and kitty litter. This will confuse the cops so much their head will asplode. You always have to make sure you kill everyone who saw you, they'll come back and bite you in the ass by the end of the movie.
Pretending it Never Happened
Pretending the crime never happened is a key aspect in making you look innocent. After every crime, I recommend taking a rohypnol and hopping into bed. If you truly don't believe it happened then who will?
Don't Break Under Pressure
Sure, they have your finger prints on the pillow case full of nickels, and her purse is in your closet, but there is still a small chance someone was framing you. You must take that small chance and turn it into a reality. By taking these small realities and turning them into fact and/or improbabilities, you will look innocent. Things to remember while being interrogated:
- Always sound cool, like you have nothing to prove.
- Use the media as necessary, public opinion is very important.
- There is never anything that doesn't have a loophole in it; so do your best to find a way to blame someone else.
- Everything is circumstantial.
Paying People Off
Assuming you did break under pressure, this section will tell you who to pay off, and roughly how much.
- Judge - $50-$100
- Defense Attorney - $6.50-$30
- Police Chief - $1-A swift kick in the crotch
- Officer - $1-spit in the face
To make this concept easier, I will provide a real life example:
<officer> You seem to have provided no real defense, all evidence points to you, and the old lady just wanted an apology. Why won't you just admit it and say you're sorry?
<me> You know what the difference between me and you is? You suck, and I don't.
<officer> You know, the police are trying to link you to a few other beatings, some of those resulted in death. So I'd be nice to me
<me> Just like you were nice to me? Locking a clearly innocent man up in jail with a totally weak case just because you can't find the real drug smuggler.
<officer> Who said anything about drug smuggling?
<me> Listen, us whities need to stick together. The black man is keepin' us down.
<officer> This isn't a game, they want to give you the chair.
<me> So the black man is payin' you off? How much? I'll match it.
<officer> It's illegal to bribe an officer, this recording will be played in court.
<me> [swift kick to the groin and spit in the face]