Tongue in cheek

This athlete is trying to speak, but since his tongue has been attached to his cheek, only pops and grumbles are heard

Tongue in cheek humor is a surgical procedure performed by facetious buccofacial surgeons to their most annoying patients.

Procedure (summarized)

This surgical operation involves

• Severing the tongue from it's original cavity (the mouth)
• Performing a 1.3" incision in either the left or right cheek parallel to the mandibular line
• Doing an auto graft of the severed tongue and reconnecting the tendons and motor nerve pathways

The operational guidelines are that the procedure should last between 45 minutes to 1 hour.

Post-operation effects

The effects are hilarious. One of the primary effect is that the patient is now deprived of speech, emitting only senseless spurts of sounds while trying to articulate. At the same time, the tongue having been reattached to its motor nerves will be performing seemingly random movements. This is very humiliating to the patient. This is good.

Life expectancy of the patient being unable to swallow any solid or liquid is somewhere between 48 and 72 hours.

Note to surgeons

It is possible the relatives or the patient himself will attempt to sue the physician for malpractice. Do not panic. First, the contacted lawyer will most probably also have a good fit of laughter when meeting his client - which should put him in a good mood towards the practitioner. Next, contact your own lawyer - you know his phone number by heart by now - and counter-sue immediately for libel. Direct your lawyer to the "Dinoire v. Deubernard - Beulah, WY - 2nd circuit court, 2006" case which clearly shows that facial surgeons have all latitude in determining what's best for the patient.

Note to patient

For the little time left you have to live, experiment with your new features. Make people laugh by doing tongue tricks and drooling profusely. Do not sue your doctor, he was just doing what was best for you. Should you choose the judicial way, be aware that all your and your family's belongings will most certainly be adjudicated to the surgeon to cover the cost of operation and the cost of the the counter sue that will inevitably ensue. Most importantly, make peace with your maker as you now have between 2 and 4 days to live.

Procedure (technical)

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING SHOULD ONLY BE CONSULTED BY DULY LICENSED SURGEONS. THIS SECTION CONTAINS HIGHLY TECHNICAL INFORMATION THAT SHOULD ONLY BE MADE AVAILABLE TO PHYSICIANS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Fun things to do. Besides the usual jokes and pranks, here are a few that are specific to this procedure :

• After the re-attach phase, instruct your primary assisting nurse (females only) to sit on the patient's cheek while stimulating the tongue with electrodes. Guaranteed laughter !
• Discreetly apply some methylene blue to the reattached tongue and shout "Oh my God! This one has the bubonic plague" - watch all personnel run around like headless chicken. Hilarious !
• Before reattaching the tongue, switch it with a lifelike looking artificial penis (available at the prosthesis department or at a sex-shop near you) and exclaim : "Hmmm.. maybe I cut the wrong part!". Watch reactions. Nice clean family fun !