Time Bandits

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Time Bandits is an ancient, extant, secret, anti-religious sect, that is devoted to the worshipping of Jessica Alba, who happens to be worshipped by every human anyway, excepting those who are deaf, dumb, blind, and dead, such as people like *Richard Simmons.

Scholarly stuff[edit]

The Time Bandits sect has been religiously dissected by scholars, doctors, weird pedophilic pop singers, MonkeyGem and Michael Jackson, who have studied it and similar shit (I hate studying), whereby they have discovered the sect contains 5 levels of initiation, each containing pernicious firey doom, divided into levels of varying pernicious firey doom, for its members. Once a member has performed the duties of the first job for a satisfactory duration of time (like 8 googolplex years minus a day), the member skips to the third job, and, performing it as satisfactorially (I think I misspelled that) as the first, he is sent to the second, where he is given warm cocoa, warm clothing, and HOT babes. HAHA YEAH RIGHT. He actually has to perform the second job similarly to the first and third. After doing that, he is then sent to the fourth job, where he usually dies, but if he survives and accomplishes the fourth job for a certain duration (usually 12 minutes, but this number can change with time), he is granted cheap jewelry in addition to the gift of foresight. Foresight is pretty darn helpful, 'cause it helps him realize he'll die in the fifth job, so most of the fourth-job Time Bandits make up excuses and like shite (I hate excuse making). This naturally angers Jessica Alba, and she becomes so agitated, she does something so horrible (or sexy) I must censor it out.


1. Rat-Catching:

The first level/job involves copious amounts of rat-catching, which is an activity where a member uses flaming cars (ala the late pope Evil Knievel) to jump over a vat of rather unhappy zombies. Scholars are still trying to determine the origins of its name, but it is general consensus at this point that it has something to do with Satan.

2. Poop surfing:

Yes, they surf in an ocean of whale poop on a cardboard box.

3. Brushing teeth:

Since Time Bandits are usually filthy little bastids, Goddess Alba makes them brush their teeth. The filthy variant of Time Bandits are usually mad because--hey, is she their mother or something? NO.


Essentially, one must take a flying leap off an airplane and land onto the pointy thing of the Empire State Building, with fractional accuracy. Few realize that the impact causes at least some form of impalement.

5. Er... I... uh.. forgot, sorry


In conclusion, I would like to end this section with the words of some random Uncyclopedia guy: Jessica Alba is so hot.

Mathematical Formulae and Postulates[edit]

There are various mathematical formulae and postulates, relating to the Time Bandits and the amount of their body fat in graham crackers, as well as their nature in general, that have been declared over the centuries. First among the postulators was the godlike Bruce Campbell, who in 200 A.D., the Year of the Fox, famously posited

where x = the amount of body fat on the Time Bandit being examined. Once people realized this formula was full of raptor turd and Bruce Campbell, god among ants, had misled them, nothing happened. To be quite frank, no one cared. This didn't help Bruce's career, which ended up plummeting into an abyss of shoddy small-part roles in kid movies.

The second major postulate came from the penetrative brilliance of Ronny Walken, a famous dick who often went undercover as a dominatrix and infiltrated various nasty water holes, as well as descendant of Christopher Walken.

In the Year of the Walken, 1230 A.D., the postulate, which happened to be his last words, was

Every Time Bandit's stomachal curves are less than or equal to the curves of their second chin.

This postulate was so true and pure it was assumed as the motto for the Time Bandits sect.

Thirdly, and arguably most importantly, is the postulate of Steve Buscemi, an archer in the much-maligned army of Jesus, who in 1998 A.D. declared so loudly people mistook it for thunder:

Time Bandits have a natural tendency toward effeminacy and uxoriousness. Therefore, according to the equilibrium of nature, they are a-holes.

This Declaration caused the earth to sunder (Africa went into space), and Zeus and Thor to grovel like dogs. According to popular Chinese legend, it also created Uncyclopedia, which, even though 3000 years have past since his Declaration, has stood as a testament to the Buscemian ideal ever since.

Famous Time Bandits[edit]

Here is a list of celebrity Time Bandits--some living, some dead, some damned to hell.

  • Richard Simmons was such a happy man. RIP