The worst idea ever
“...awful!”
The Worst Idea Ever, contrary to popular belief, was not created by the German National Socialist Party (Nicknamed "Nazi") as a means of torture in the Holocaust, but was in fact dreamed up by a teenage Arizonian surfer during one particularly awful session of badminton. As he watched the shuttle-cock (or shuttle) being ruthlessly struck over the net by his drooling opponent, an idea came to him. The terribleness of the idea was so great it is recorded that the two players were thrown backwards several feet, along with the aforementioned cock. Afterwards, the wielder of The Worst Idea Ever is said to have been so enraged with the disqualification handed to him by the semi-concious umpire, that he proceeded to unleash the Idea upon the unwitting spectators, amongst them his adopted children and their pet tortoise, Alan.
Health Issues and Other Biological Side-effects[edit]
Many people who hear the Idea with no preparation have been known to sustain mild to fatal internal bruising and/or mental damage. Most people report a 3/4 drop in I.Q., as well as some men losing up to an inch in height. Others have been reported to feel mild memory-, hair-, clothing-, and will-to-live-loss. The full potential of the Idea is not yet known, but an elite team of Ideologists from Harrogate (in Mozambique) have proven that the power of the Idea is in direct proportion to the users mental capacity; therefore the only safe users of the Idea are those who have no brain at all (also known as the entire Southern Hemisphere), along with Politicians. Whilst this study is not widely recognised outside of Mozambique[1], it is the only paper published on the matter before the United States Government introduced an international ban on use of the Idea in written communication and competitive sports.
Use in International Warfare[edit]
“NO!!! NOT THAT!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!”
Due to the incredibly recent nature of the Idea, it has not been successfully utilised in warfare, however NASA has managed to hook a computer up to the International Databanks and feed the Idea through it. With the immense computing power fulling the Ideas almost telekinetic tendencies, it was made possible to move the Sun approximately thirteen inches further away from the Earth, helping to slow the effect of Global Warming.
Laws Concerning the Idea[edit]
There are a number of laws that have been introduced around the world to combat use of the Idea. Here are but a few;
- Use of the Idea on other humans is not permitted on ANY occasion,
- except at the annual board meeting of the World Trade Union;
- The Idea is not to be handled by anyone that is not in possession of a Bad Idea permit, or is a member of the United States Government;
- Anyone who is suspected of carrying the Idea on their person is able to be stopped and searched just on the whim of any random Police-Officer;
- No-one may import the Idea from one country to another without first contacting the Native Embassy and booking an appointment with the closest Idea-Euthanisation Clinic.
N.B the only Idea-Euthanisation Clinic currently in action is in Sweden.
The Total Ideological Perspective Vortex[edit]
The international punishment for breaking any law connected with the Idea is that the offender is put into the Total Ideological Perspective Vortex. This is a machine that works on the principle of basic particle data extrapolation[2]. In one end is plugged the victim (or, for the purposes of legal documents, the criminal), and in the other end is plugged a man[3] who has had the Idea surgically implanted into his brain (to avoid injury). The Vortex then does a calculation in which the worst idea from the victims brain and the Idea itself are compared, and then displayed on a three-dimensional VR (Virtual Reality) mapping complex attached to the victims Eye-sockets. When presented with the sheer magnitude of the Idea in comparison to their own, the traditional response is a loss of sanity .This sometimes leads to moments of intense lucidity,and causes the subject to run for parliament,usually with great success(see british members of parliament)(see above (Health Issues etc.))
See also[edit]
References[edit]
- ↑ This is because, shortly after the publication of the research, one of the lead Ideologist, Professor Endolf Flinn, was driven to insanity by the potentiality of the Idea, and attempted to slaughter the other researchers with a Staedler 2B pencil.
- ↑ This is the principle that you can extrapolate all of the data in the universe from one Bad Idea.
- ↑ Not a woman, as it has been scientifically proven that the female mind has insufficient Gray-Matter and an excess of White-Matter to fully harness the potential of the Idea.