The Pregnancy of Great Britain
'She', 'her', be delicate in the terms by which you refer to Great Britain; but be sure that this most shapely of islands - for a good few hundred years - has been rather more rounded than in previous times: For she is with child. And who was it that shot his lava into her Wooky Hole? This continues to be a mystery - a mysterious one at that.
The Bump[edit]
The bump of Great Britain's pregnancy has created a rich and bountiful land with spectacular mountainous valleys and greenery. Such a luscious environment quickly attracted human people onto it, keen to take advantage of the mineral rich soil, spectacular scenery and inherent xenophobia. The people that have chosen to live there are designated as 'Welsh'.
Though there are many advantages to habiting upon Great Britain's fertile bump there is the constant problem of inhabitants sleep deprivation caused by the joyful foetus kicking in its mothers earthly womb.
Pregnancy Cravings[edit]
Great Britain's pregnancy did bring with it the usual motherly cravings. Great Britain's was not eating beetroot or charcoal but was for the colonisation of any country it could get it hormonally confused hands on. Between 1815 and 1914, a period referred to as Britain's "imperial century" by historians and "don't argue with a pregnant woman" by surrounding nations, around 10,000,000 square miles (25,899,881 km2) of territory were added to the British Empire.
Many colonised countries were concerned by Great Britain's behaviour but they were assured somewhat by the comments of experts who argued that it was a temporary thing that wouldn't last for more than a couple of hundred years. After the second world war when Germany had finally shut up and chilled out attention turned to Great Britain, with the 'she's pregnant' excuse running thin. Sure enough after The Second World War Great Britain calmed down after a particularly large meal (which lead directly to 'the wind of change') and said in somewhat of a huff, 'I don't want them [the colonised countries] any more anyway.'
Baby's Father[edit]
It is not know which country fertilised Great Britain's eggs with a spurt of its national pride; but through deduction and more prominently - wild speculation - it is possible to ponder the possibilities (or PPP as you may decide to be an unnecessary way to refer to it).
USA USA USA USA...[edit]
The USA USA USA USA... and Great Britain - how they banged on about their 'special relationship'. Is this some rather obvious thinly-veiled confession? They were certainly in a very close relationship at the time.
But their relationship, though sweet at times, was often bouncing on rougher seas. It is said that soon after Great Britain announced her condition, USA USA USA USA... was heard commenting that 'he was too young to be tied down'. It is believed that he had quickly grown tired of Great Britains possessive nature and craved his independence. His constant protestations that he wanted split-up with Great Britain were ignored by her, with Britain telling all that would listen that we're still together - we're definietly not breaking up. But in 1783 - finally - Great Britain admitted to a close friend (probably Iceland or Belgium or another such country we know nothing about) that their relationship was over.
It looked less likely that USA USA USA USA... was the father come The Second World War. A very horny Germany was having its wild way with several nations. Great Britain called Nazi a twat after he did the dirty on girl chum Poland, for which Nazi's response turn his attention to Brit with consistent attempts to penetrate her. America seemed particualy unbothered by the plight of his ex. leaving Great Britain to endure a full three years of unwelcome advances from Nazi before coming to the aid of the possible mother of its child. Even then, it's largely believed that the only reason he finally got involved after Japan tried to do the US up the Pearl Harbour.
After rekindling their romance in a casual on-off relationship for a good sixty-five years, America has again decided to become footloose and fancy free. After Bush was replaced by Obama, America decided that the whole relationship thing was getting too 'heavy' and that it wanted to see other countries again. 'We can still be friends' America pleaded, and of course I'll support our child.
France[edit]
France a suspect? Are you le mad? Brit and Frank have shared nothing much over the years apart from eternal loathing. "I wouldn't touch her with a long baguette" Frank said thoughtfully, pipe in mouth, insisting his words were some multi-layed philosophy.
No argument was bigger, and bored the world for longer, than what became known sarcastically as the Hundred Years War (1337 - 1453). Constant childish bickering occurred after Brit came over to Agincourt for a 'holiday' and was accused of stealing territory by a rather over sensitive Frank. Frank's constant insistence that it should have it back was met with a disinterested and rather obstinate response until eventually Brit returned all the territory it had supposedly snaffled just to shut Frank up.
So why do some people suspect that maybe France is the father of Brit's baby? The Channel Tunnel. Such a bizarre and over-costly thing can only have been built for the purpose of child-access.
The Complication of Ireland[edit]
Will you Ireland just behave yourself? Will you not grow up and leave your poor mother in peace at this sensitive time? No you wont?
The USA; your estranged father; he treats you to trips to the fair ground and sweets - no wonder you act like the spoilt child. Your ADHD - 'Look at me! Look at me! How I suffer' you cry, and your parents agree and concede to your every whim. It's the guilt. They couldn't/didn't look after you in the nineteenth century and you nearly starved.
The Third Trimester[edit]
She is tired. The years have been long and the bulge is now big. She is no longer the social heavy-weight she once was, although she often talks as if she were. There's a sadness inside, a reluctant realisation of place.
A child is to be born. A new nation will spring forth from the womb from this cynical, tired island - left, one suspects, to go it alone