The Kintiser

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The Kintiser himself was supposedly born in the mid twentieth century aboard the QE2 which was on its maiden voyage to Tasmania along with 15,000 Australian troops. He was then brought up by Sir Richard Branson in a space station in high orbit. It gave him an earth conquering complex. In 2000 he began to make his ideals felt on Earth.

Having failed in his attempts to bring down the IT world at midnight the Kintiser then gave a bunch of chickens the flu the set them loose in China. This caused a world panic for the next ten years. He then planted the idea that terrorists lived in caves in Afghanistan. For the next 5 years at least the ground in that country was pounded. It was during this pounding that the Kintiser assisted in leading the city of Adelaide to its death.


The term Kintiser comes from the Kintus word for Great Lord or Emperor...not king, they hate kings.

THe Kintiser originally meant the Emperor of Kinkora but when that country expanded into Kintonurst the name became synonymous for Powerful leader. It was first used in english to describe the evil overlord of Adelaide who then let the drop bears attack.


The kintiser is now on the loose and thought to be in Australia somewhere....

It important to know exactly where he is due to the extreme power he possesses. He has long brown hair, brown eyes, and tanned skin. he is at least 8 feet tall but may have had a growth spurt since he was last seen. He is believed to respond to the name Steven however only when yelled. this may be a sign that the Drop bears have deffonned him with their loud booms of death.

At times it is believed that the Kintiser roams the beaches of northern Sydney handing out Molotov cocktails, insisting people to attack Turks, Wogs and Brits. This reached a peak last year when the Kintiser inspired a week of mass rioting. (only months earlier he had personally burnt 15 000 cars in France.)


The Kintiser, being royalty to begin with, is used to having servants and slaves tend to his every need. This is imortant in understanding his dissatisfaction with Adelaide. The people in Adelaide are pricks and wouldn't serve him in the usual way. They insisted he have to be elected by the people. So in 2004 the Kintsier held an election. voting was not compulsory and he threatened that anyone that voted would meet a drop bear. This meant that nobody voted except him and thus he was re-elected.

The Kintiser is also used to having gold cutlery. This means he is now very very skinny.


The Kintiser has a large and impressive collection of awards and certificates. Here is a list of his achievements so far.

  • Nobel prize for peace, 2004. (he first started the war)
  • Oscar (stolen from Russel Crowe in bar fight. The Kintiser used a telephone)
  • Victoria cross
  • Congressional medal for honour. (who knows how the hell he got that!)
  • The Kintis K
  • Legion de Honour (yep they're out there)
  • Distinguished flying cross
  • Grammy.
  • Emmy (Stolen x12 from John Elton)
  • ARIA (all 1996)
  • Nobel prize for physics, 1945 (Turned uranium into plutonium and then into dust near Nagasaki)
  • British literary prize 1919. (The Little red book of Kintus)
  • UN Humanitarian award. (Homed up to 500 000 drop bears)
  • 2006 new car of the year, New Zealand. (He wore rollerblades and learnt on a skateboard to beat the local make.)
  • Australian Greens conservation award. (Started 16 bush fires along the Murray valley.)
  • Prime ministerial award. (awarded by self and then taken back by real Prime minister 3 minutes later.)
  • The best Fucker award
  • The Brownlow medal, 2001. (stole from Jason Akermanis after violent scuffle in Sydney streets in December 2005.)
  • Iraque Encouragment award. (He never did find his cave dwellers)