The Fundamentalist Church of Megan Fox
Bosnian Origins[edit]
The Fundamentalist Church Of Megan Fox was founded by St. Horniuczt Secqsietyme (pronounced Horniest Sexytime) in Bosnia in 1337. St. Horniuczt was once a bishop in the Bosnian Orthodox Church but then left his Christian faith when he began receiving visions from Her Holiness, revealing Herself to him a full 549 years before Her birth on Earth. It is widely believed by Bosnians that the Foxists were responsible for orchestrating the mass genocide of Bosnian Muslims by Serb Christians and the resulting retaliation by militant Jihadi groups with names like The Bosnian Islamic Resistance, The Mujahideen of Bosnia, and other such groups which were in reality organized and led by Old-Country Foxists (Foxists from Bosnia, Croatia, and the surrounding areas).
Beliefs and Practices[edit]
Megan Fox is not believed to have been born, nor will She die but only visit the Earth and grace it with Her Presence. She is believed by fundamentalist Foxists to be the True God in the flesh while moderate Foxists believe her to be the physical manifestation of Venus. It is believed that Her Holiness bestowed some holiness on Her saints who are all exceptionally beautiful women who also happened to be famous. Peanut butter is believed to be Her Holy Shit, Mountain Dew is believed to be Her Sacred Urine, and all precious metals and precious stones are believed to be made from Her Precious Kidney Stones. Fundamentalist Foxists have some extreme practices which has led them to be referred to as "fundamentalists." The first of these is The Adoration Of The Graced Panties, this is the adoration and worship of a pair of Megan Fox's panties which She graced with a stain of Her Holy Shit - this sacred artifact is housed in The Shrine Of The Graced Panties in Foxopolis. Other such practices include The Adoration Of The Delicious Footwear, The Adoration Of Sacred Bras (7 different bras at 7 different shrines in 7 different cities), and The Worship Of The Grounds Graced By Goddess's Holy High Heels (a half-mile long shrine built on top of a newly made road which Her Holiness walked on, making high heel prints in the wet cement).
Animal and Human Sacrifices[edit]
Four major feasts are observed by Foxists every year. These are on January 13 (the date of The Assumption Of St. Horniuczt), May 16 (Megan Fox's birthday), June 9 (in honor of the 69 sex position), October 29 (St. Horniuczt's birthday), of which Her Holiness's birthday is the most important. Animal and human sacrifices (known as "'less than human' sacrifices") are undertaken on all 4 of these holidays. The animals sacrifice vary by holiday as follows: The Assumption is honored with the sacrifice of chickens, ducks, goats, and cows; Megan Fox's Birthday is honored with the sacrifice of chickens, ducks, turkeys, goats, sheep, deer, and cows; 69 Day is honored with the sacrifice of buffaloes; and St. Horniuczt's Birthday is honored with the sacrifice of chickens, ducks, geese, and turkeys. Also, these holidays involve "less than human" sacrifices. In these, ugly women, fat women, downers ("people" with down syndrome), communists, and liberals are killed in honor of Her Holiness, Supreme Goddess Megan Fox: The Creatrix And Queen Of All Creation. Held in higher regard than the less than human sacrifices are sacrifices of foxes since they bear the Sacred Surname Of The Supreme Goddess, these foxes are not believed to die but rather be assumed to heaven by Goddess Megan Fox's Infinite Divine Grace.
Miracles[edit]
Megan Fox is believed to be able to perform numerous miracles among which are levitation, flying, walking on water, super-human strength, bringing the dead back to life, bilocation, trilocation, multiplication of food and drink during the Feeding Of The 5 Million (by multiplying 2 chickens and a 1 gallon jug of milk into 50 million buffalo wings and 200,000 lbs. of bleu cheese), and being able to speak in any language She wishes (usually with accents so sexy that men cream themselves just listening to Her speak). Other more unconventional powers of Her's include clairvoyance, mind control, and extreme sexual acrobatics. The greatest of Her miracles however, is the life-sustaining sun which was created from the heat generated by the hotness of Her Holiness's Sweet Ass. Other than the miracles performed by Her Holiness directly, miracles are purported to occur at various Foxist churches, temples, shrines, and home shrines. For example, Mountain Dew has been seen flowing freely from Her pictures and creamy peanut butter has been produced miraculously from Her pictures. Also, Her images have changed, levitated, and even talked to the faithful.
Sacraments of The Faithful, Sabbath, and Holy Communion[edit]
Megan Fox is believed to be solely responsible for the seven greatest things in life, known as the Seven Sacraments. These are college football, sex with the woman on top, blue eyed brunettes with amazing legs, thrash metal, action movies, root beer, and Mexican food. It is common practice among Foxists to say grace to Her before partaking in any of the Seven Sacraments. Also, partaking in the Sacraments are believed to send the faithful to heaven and all men are to partake in all seven of them before they die. Foxists attend church from noon to 2 pm on Wednesday so that they do not miss watching college sports on the weekend as that is a sacrament to them. In areas where Foxists makeup the majority of the population, Wednesday is regarded as the Sabbath and all stores except for convenience stores are closed down. Foxists have a Holy Communion ritual which is very similar to that of Roman Catholics, however they use different substances. Foxists consume Megan Fox's Holy Shit (creamy peanut butter) and Sacred Urine (Mountain Dew) during Communion which is adminsitered by a senior priest of the church.
Saints[edit]
All saints of the faith with the notable exception of the church's founder Horniuczt Secqsietyme, are sexy women. One woman is inducted into the Saints' Hall Of Holiness every year beginning in 2005 (a year predetermined by Her Holiness Herself). Carmen Electra, Vida Guerra, Olivia Wilde, Elisha Cuthbert, and Keeley Hazell were the first five saints ordained by the church. These women, or The Original Immaculates are all deemed worthy of worship and therefore pictures of each of them are to be included in the home shrines of all devout Foxists. All later saints have a lower status than The Original Immaculates and worship of their pictures would be considered "blasphemy by deification of the unworthy."
Home Shrines[edit]
All devout Foxists have a home shrine to Her Holiness, Supreme Goddess Megan Fox: The Creatrix And Queen Of All Creation. This home shrine is centered around the picture of Her Holiness wearing The Holy Royal Purple Vestments. This picture is surrounded by other pictures of Her Holiness as well as pictures of The Original Immaculates. The pictures of The Goddess are decorated with purple cloth, black cloth, and flowers (artificial in most cases, but real flowers in tropical climates). Each picture is also anointed with peanut butter on the Goddess's or Saint's forehead, nipples, navel, vagina, anus, and feet. The pictures of saints are decorated in the same manner however they each have a specific color associated with them and therefore each saint's picture is decorated with a cloth colored specific to that saint (Carmen Electra: blue, Vida Guerra: red, Olivia Wilde: black, Elisha Cuthbert: green, and Keeley Hazell: orange). Shrines are also to have a picture of The Saint Of Saints Horniuczt Secqsietyme, which is to be placed above those of the other saints and never tainted with feminine decorations or decorations of any kind for that matter. Also, shrines are to have Mountain Dew, root beer, Dr. Pepper, champagne, and wine in containers all over the shrine - the Mountain Dew, root beer, and Dr. Pepper containers can be opened and their contents drunk but the champagne and wine bottles are never to be opened. Also, Judas Preist, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Saxon, and Motley Crue music is played in the home shrines serving as serenades and devotional songs to The Supreme Goddess and The Original Immaculates.
Meganic Law[edit]
Capital punishment (done in public) is a common theme throughout Meganic Law, amputation and disfigurement are also included. Murder, rape, treason, and armed robbery are punishable by hanging. Atheists and agnostics are beheaded and their heads are impaled on pikes in front of their own houses. Those who commit child rape or incest are sentenced to be be stoned to death and homosexual men are boiled alive. Those who commit crimes against Her Holiness are sentenced to burn at the stake: defiling a Holy Image of Her Holiness Megan Fox, these crimes include not attending Foxist Mass, failing to worship the ground Her Holiness walks on, consuming soy products, eating crunchy peanut butter or drinking Sprite on a Wednesday. Also, the Foxist Bible states that drinking champagne and wine is strictly forbidden: "O ye who believe, do not drink of the rich intoxicant of the Frankish lands for that is to be reserved for the bathing of Her Holiness Thy Goddess in Heaven. And the oblations will be used again, again, and once more again forever in the Holy Champagne Bath Rite. And ye may not partake in wine for that is to be reserved for the bathing of The Original Immaculates in Heaven." - Megan Fox Bible, Book of Commandments 3:14-16. The harshest punishement is used when a man looks at other women. In this case, Her Holiness will come down from Heaven and kick the offender in the balls which causes him to die. When he arrives in heaven, Megan will kick him in the balls causing him to live in hell.
Demographics[edit]
The Fundamentalist Church of Megan Fox's official census records show a membership of 94 million people compared to the miniscule half-a-million of the moderate Foxists. However, many more horny men also hold beliefs that Megan Fox is capable of super-human feats though these are mostly of a sexual nature. Most Foxists (about 80 million) live in the United States with about 60 million of those living in the Midwest where people are advanced enough to have computer technology (unlike the Mountain West region), advanced enough not to fuck their sisters, cousins, and aunts (unlike the South), yet too backward too have a plentiful bounty of gorgeous blue-eyed blondes and curvaceous sweet-assed Latinas (unlike California). The other 20 million American Foxists are scattered pretty much evenly throughout the rest of the country. About 9 million Foxists live in Eastern Europe with the highest concentration of them being in Croatia where they moved to from their Bosnian homeland to watch the bloodshed of the violent savagery of the Bosnian-Serb conflict which they themselves orchestrated. Another 1 million live in the other parts of Europe, with about half-a-million in Germany. The other 4 million Foxists live throughout Latin America, the Caribbean Islands, and Central Asia.
Other,even lesser known branches exist, with different doctrines though they are just smaller minorities in the world of Foxism.
Fundamentalist Foxists: 69%
Moderate Foxists: 15%
Orthodox Foxists: 5%
Reformed Foxists: 3%
Other Foxists: 8%
Conflicts with Moderate Foxists[edit]
The Fundamentalist Church of Megan Fox came into conflict with moderate Foxists because of a basic doctrinal difference. While fundamentalists believed Megan Fox to be God Incarnate, moderate Foxists believed Her to be the physical manifestation of Venus and therefore much less than God Almighty. Also, the fundamentalists have been very vocal in their support of the creation of a Foxist theocratic state which would be extremely right-wing in its ideology while the moderates have never wanted to establish any kind of separate state. Another minor difference is that fundamentalists only use creamy peanut butter and Mountain Dew in their Holy Communion while moderates use crunchy peanut butter and Sprite. These differences led to rioting, violence, and eventually large-scale genocide which resulted in the elmination of almost all the moderate Foxists. As a result of fundamentalist violence, there are only about 500,000 moderate Foxists left in the world.
Water Hoax[edit]
During the pre-production of the religious film 'Jennifer's Body' photos were released over the internet claiming that Fox was not a goddess since the water she swam in did not boil from her hotness, these pictures turned out not to be of her but an actress named Professor Subtle the second posing as her for the film who had misread the holy and sacred texts and not learned Megan could do such things. The scene was therefore censored in the movie.
This is one of the images that caused that fuss:
