The Erasmian Method
“I see nussing!”
“It has nothing to do with me, I swear!!”
“In Soviet Russia, time travels YOU!!”
Time travel is difficult. Very difficult. The easiest way in which to achieve it is to purchase a time machine. However, these days, time machines are surprisingly rare. Those that they try to sell you in Dixons are not time machines, but in fact microwaves with antennae. To attempt to time travel with one of these is to nuke one’s balls. Not nice. Here is the best way (known as the Erasmian Method) in order to gain possession of a time machine:
1. Place a sum of money in a high interest saving account.
2. Get old.
3. Withdraw the money (you should have amassed at least 20 godzillion pounds by now).
4. Time machines will now be much more popular (this being the future and all). Buy one.
5. Travel back in time to 2006 (i.e. now) and give the time machine to your good self.
6. Hey presto, you have a time machine.
IF your future self travels back and gives YOU a time machine, DO NOT follow the steps above. Simply accept the time machine graciously, and then kill your future self before s/he can make any trouble.
Ways in which to kill your future self (technically suicide… but we like to think of it as Chronocide):
1. Travel back in time (with your newly gained time machine) to a moment before your future self arrives to hand the time machine over. Sneakily sneak up behind your future self, and sneakily implant a knife between his/her ribs. There will then be two presentish yous in the same room, and also two time machines. If at this point there is one presentish you and a future you, you have killed the wrong person. Try again. But note that it could get confusing. Anyway, if there ARE two presentish yous in the room, and two time machines, take one time machine each. The presentish you who is not you should go back and do what you just did in order to dispose of the future you, and you should go adventuring in your new time machine. Try 1642. That was a good year. Also, dispose of the body. I recommend using The Stanislaski Method.
2. Using your newly acquisitioned time machine, travel back to the 1800s and fetch Oscar Wilde. Using his sharp tongue and witty prose, kill your future self (although be sure to travel back to just after your future self first turned up in the present, but preferably after you have already left to fetch Oscar to avoid confusion). Dispose of the body. I recommend the Newton-Raffson Method.
3. Commit suicide. This will mean that you cannot grow into your future self so s/he will never have come back in the first place, and as a result you will never have received the time machine. Because of this, you will have no need to kill your future self, so you will never have committed suicide. Therefore, you will survive, but you will be time machineless. No, wait… you would grow up and bring the time machine back to give to yourself. If this situation arises, I recommend following method 1. or 2.
4. Go back in time to the same moment multiple times. Be sure that between you arriving at said moment and leaving to rearrive at said moment each time, you leave enough time to kill your future self (indeed, you will experience the events that lead to the death of your future self each time… I daresay you’ll be rather fed up of the whole business by the end of it). When you have amassed a couple of hundred yous, which may take several days (as you will have to be each of them in turn), attack your future self as one. There are loads of you. Beat your grey-haired future-head to a pulp. And smile. Then, head back to the moment which you chose to arrive at and do the whole thing again. When you have completed the events as the final version of yourself, leave and NEVER visit this period of time again. It’ll just get complicated. Also, don’t kill any of your fellow yous, because you’ll soon be them and experience getting killed by you yourself, and you’ll not be happy about it. Ask you.
What would you like to do with your new found time machine (and in some cases, new found Oscar Wilde)? When would you go? And how would you do him? These are all questions we have to ask ourselves once in possession of the machine. With great power comes great fun. With Oscar Wilde comes witty prose and firm buttocks. Here are some suggestions:
1. Visit the start of the universe (although you may find it a bit cramped… not just because all the matter in the universe was crammed into a single tiny space, but because time tourists flock here all the time… well, not all the time… just at the start of time… but… erm… moving on). You will finally know what nothing looks like (in actual fact, it looks rather like a pink elephant… )
2. Visit the future. Go and visit a man called Hans Uberman. He has nice hair. Stroke it, and then leave.
3. It is strangely difficult to come up with uses for your time machine. You could always have wacky adventures, like Dr Who, or you could go back and watch yourself killing your future self again… and then go back and watch yourself watch yourself kill your future self, and then watch your future self watching yourself who is watching himself watching yourself kill your future self.
4. Go back to when we started writing this article, and end our sorry little lives.
The Erasmian Method of time travel was invented in 1492, and then again in 1699 and 2403. To be honest, it was probably the other way around. Anyway, the invention of the Method is accredited to Erasmus of Rotterdam and his followers, the Erasmians, who were always enthused by his charm and ever-so-slightly amused face. It is rumoured that he discovered it while looking for a cure to silliness, which he never achieved. Instead, he decided to insult a bunch of hard working priests who never did anything wrong but be happy. Why can’t you accept that, Erasmus? WHY?
Anyway, the point is Erasmus gained possession of a time machine (which doesn’t make sense… If he was old when he got it, it was still only around 1500… time machines weren’t invented… the whole thing’s ridiculous and riddled with flaws). He then travelled the deepest recesses of time with Oscar Wilde (my, how Oscar has been around) by his side.
The Erasmian Method was re-rediscovered in 1988 by Erasmus of Blackpool, who was slightly odd and stole everyone’s left shoe (seriously, even yours… go on, check). He discovered (re-rediscovered) the Method sleeping in a dark alley. He took it in and gave it a home, and soon realised that in actually fact it was Oscar Wilde. Yes, Oscar Wilde is the embodiment of the Method. In fact, after the oh-so-subtle mentions of Oscar before in this article, I’m rather surprised that you hadn’t figured this out yet. Erasmus of Blackpool used the Erasmian Method to return Oscar Wilde to his own time, when he was promptly kidnapped by you.
In conclusion: time travel, not such a good idea. Firstly, it leads to you being confused and murderous. And then it leads to you being confused and murderous, watching yourself being confused and murderous two weeks ago, which will just make you angry. On the up-side, it may also lead to your very own, personal Oscar Wilde, which is just peachy (both Oscar himself and the situation of having him).