Talk:Clara Bow

From Pee Review

Humour:	6	There are some good jokes, but some fall flat. "She was your grandpa's dream girl" has potential, but "Clara Bow was also a flapper (whatever that means)" just doesn't seem very funny to me.
Concept:	8	Good concept, very appropriate for Uncyc. The approach seems to be a sort of gentle mockery but it seems unfocused.
Prose and formatting:	5	There are some clunky bits. See endnotes.
Images:	6	Good images, not retouched or anything, but nice to look at.
Miscellaneous:	6	I'd like to see this revised and improved; it's a good concept and a good topic.
Final Score:	31
Reviewer:	----OEJ 17:39, 4 February 2007 (UTC)

Endnotes

On style:

"Sadly, at the height of her career, someone invented 'the talkies' allowing for audio to be added to movies. With a voice likened to 'scratching a weasil down a chalkboard' Clara went from the IT Girl to something that sounded similar."

I think I understand what you mean, but it's not very clear and certainly could be punchier. Here's one way it could be rewritten (there are of course dozens of other possibilities):

"Then at the height of her career some do-good technofreak invented The Talkies. Unfortunately, Clara's speaking voice resembled the sound of Chico Marx scratching a weasel down a chalkboard. No director wanted that voice in a movie. In six months she went from "The IT Girl" to "The Something Else Girl."

That just clarifies the logical relationship between Clara's voice and her failure to make it in sound-enhanced movies -- the reader doesn't have to make as many inferences, the logic is spelled out. I might advise the primary authors to revise for clarity and punch. This bit:

"Clara's movies are hardly ever shown today, so you may want to ask your grandparents, if you want to know more about her. She was your grandpa's dream girl. In fact, he still loves her, a lot more than he loves your grandma. But, don't tell your grandma that, if she didn't already know."

Might be "punched up" like this:

"Clara's movies are hardly every shown today, so you might want to ask your grandparents if you want to know more about her. She was your grandpa's dream girl. In fact, he still loves her -- certainly more than he loves your old hook-nosed granny. But don't tell your grandma that. She might whup on him with her cane. Again."

If you want to make it dirtier:

"Clara's movies are hardly every shown today, so you might want to ask your grandparents if you want to know more about her. She was your grandpa's dream girl. In fact, he still loves her -- certainly more than he loves your saggy-boobed old granny. But don't tell your grandma that. She might tie him across the bed and make him squeal like a hamster. Again."

"And you know what happened when the Elder Abuse people got wind of that."

But whatever. These are just bad ideas from a bad, bad man with bad, bad hair and evil, evil morning breath. ----OEJ 17:39, 4 February 2007 (UTC)