Stressism
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Stressism describes a modern religion. The religion's fundamental core is the belief that everything that does or does not exist in this world has a common denominator: Stress.
Etymology[edit]
The term Stressism is a composite word consisting of the present tense participle, active form of the Latin word stressere ( to „stress“, „bully“, „diss“, „George W. Bush“, „Windows“, „Angela Merkel“) and the Greek word λόγος (ism, meaning „pulp“, „mush“) and is translated by the stress church as Assuming stress exists, that means that there had to have been stress before it, so that the stress that currently exists has a basis as well as a reason for existing, in turn preventing a stress infinite loop from forming.
History[edit]
Stressism traces back to an anonymous source living in the Schleswig-Holstein part of Germany. He discovered at an early age the high importance of stress for modern society. Initial communication difficulties with his peers aside (Ey, you want stress or whaaat? - Invalid input. Please repeat) soon the first community Saint Stress was founded. This community is being seen by scientists as the religion's point of origin. Through missionary work, the religion is permanently undergoing phases of revision and expansion.
The commune St. Stress' in Schleswig-Holstein has remained the central point of pilgrimage for hundreds of stressists. Upholding the myth surrounding its foundation as stress capital is celebrated in yearly ceremonies and rituals rather excessively til present date. These riturals might look rather retro or retarded to non-believers due to them being obsolete in present-day German society.
Geographical extension[edit]
The supporters of modern stressism are mostly centered around Northern Germany. However, communities in Hamburg and Berlin as well as outside of Germany are known to exist. By means of cellular division, as well as the invention of the 'eh eh' Transrapid high speed train, stress was rapidly spread throughout the whole world.
First missionary efforts originated in Northern Germany. The first believers of Stressism moved around the world to spread their new, revolutionary religion and gain new followers. However, this wasn't without difficulty. In Hullumugullu Tullu, the expansion was hindered by disputes with the local Hullumugullu Tullu'ers. This fight caused great stress on both sides. This in turn convinced the natives of Stressism and the missionars gained profound insight and knowledge about stress.
Hullumugullu Tullu[edit]
Hullumugullu Tullu is now the largest and most renowned stressistic commune outside of Germany. In it, more than 1 million believers practice their religion in all its subgroups. The greatest fraction constitute the so called retro stressists. They live their life following the codex established by the ancient scripts. This includes regular pilgrimage to Germany in order to ensure that the hullumugullu-tullu'ish stressism does not, under any circumstances, deviate from the original concept of the religion. The believing pilgrims are being inherently stressed in Germany and tutored in fundamental religious fields.
Theology[edit]
Stressim is not a theistic religion which vastly differentiates it from other religions. Source for life in itself is stress. This stress has always been and will always be there. Everything else can be there, but doesn't have to. Since no one can truly say whether something does or does not exist, new stress is created permanently. Mankind is exposed to this stress constantly and have to serve it in order to live a purposeful life.
Especially stress-ridden priests are expected to come to grips with the creation of stress. This can be done in various forms including mutual dissing: Several priests meat each other and conduct several small or big battles. Through this method, they always get stress back (deductive stress). Furthermore, thoughts about the origin and existence of stress are made. Because no one can say with absolute certainty that, for instance a house, definitely exsists, you can't work with it. The only thing that has to be certain to exist is Stress itself (inductive stress).
Through this method, knowledge and recognition about stress are broadened. According to recorded beliefs, the believing stressist can gain ultimate redemption (Merging into the stress everything originated from). Holy scripts are the scribblings of an unnamed individual, called "S-Serts" as well as many explaining texts in middle and new ages. Main source isn't (unlike in Christianity) an old book, but rather an internet portal, not unlike Uncyclopedia.
Rituals[edit]
Main goal of stressistic rituals is increasing other believer's stress. This can be done through battling or dissing.
- At a battle, many young stressists meet and beat each other. Bodily harm and psychological disturbance cause the believer to get closer to the goal of ultimate stressism.
- Dissing is conducted by picking one believer that is stressed by everyone else. This privilege is only granted a select few. They gain the most revelation as they're subjected to the most stress.
- The mutual playing of stressistic instruments, alternatively stressistic songs (cmp. Tokio Hotel) undoubtedly causes great stress. Both the singers themselves are stressed as they don't want to sing and are rather forced to, and also the audience because they cannot endure the bad music. Famous instruments of are the drumbox (very loud and makes no sense), the keyboard or the triangle. Furthermore, tympanos, untuned guitars or pianos or abhorrent bands are being used.
Other rituals connected with stressism are the so called easter fires, meaning burning of wooden components of trees (so, the whole tree). Originally, this was seen as a ritual for getting rid of the winter, however, stressistic religion researchers found a more likely explanation: The symbolic burning is supposed to symbolize the stress caused by forest fires on a small scale. The tree itself is a symbol for religious critics of Stressism, but may alternatively stand for any other person on earth that is used as a victim. Other things that are commonly burned include automobiles, camels and pink-white striped pacifiers. The latter however, are not commonly used due to their olfactory component.
Organization[edit]
The religion does not accept any kind of order beyond the allencompassing stress. Therefore, there is no spiritual leader or "representative of stress on Earth". Worship services (stressings) are lead by a randomly selected representative and are used to cause as much stress as possible. A stressing is conducted as follows:
- A 17.25 Hz computer randomly selects a participant that is the stresser for this session. Since this potentially takes a very long time, stressistic games or music are played in the meantime.
- Reading of stress rules. Mantra-like choir music.
- The oldest/youngest/most annoying/stupidest/smartest/... member of the church is dragged to the front and dissed mercilessly. This include verbal dissing, insults, bodily harm, throwing tomatoes or the indirect dissing (stressy): Insulting someone with that person not immediately noticing it. The last part does not only cause the victim to have a bad reputation among their peers but also shows them their own inadequacies.
Following, there are as many dissing rounds until everyone is knocked out. - Final mantra: "shutdown -s -t 00"
This will be babbled for around Pi hours in an infinite loop.
Famous Stressists[edit]
More or less famous people (or at least people) and others who have something to do with Stressism:
| Tokio H**** | conduct stressistic / stress-inducing music |
| George W. Bush | made pointless politics and plays sinntheßeisär |
| Edmund Stoiber | "im Grunde genommen" I'm "äh" Stressist |
| Siggi | A great stressistic prophet |
| Bill Gates | Is known as The Gates to Stress among his friends. |
National anthem[edit]
The national anthem of Stressism ("Stressing Prayr") is as follows
Our stressing in heaven (and on earth),
hallowed be your namespace stress,
your effect come and make us throw up,
your will be the almighty stress, those of a stress master,
on earth as in heaven.
As well as near Angela Merkel's residence.
And rotten bread give us today.
and Helmut Kohl, that who lived in Bonn.
Never forgive us our sins,
nor those of Donald Trump, the devil on earth.
and lead us to evil, since yours is the stress,
and the stress-inducing school,
and stressy teachers and bosses,
now and for ever. Stress.
Criticism[edit]
Public criticism of Stressism is non-existant. Critics of the religion have recently found that cricitism will undoubtedly increase stress on both sides and might even cause a public large scale stressing. Due to that, criticism of stressism would only be beneficial to its existance. The Pope, Jehova's Witnesses and the Vandalism refrain from public criticism, mainly due to fear of public stressings and the fact that public denial of its existance is less stressful than the big-scale campaign against proliferation.