Soft serve ice cream

The three races of soft serve ice cream.

Look down at your arms. Do they taste like cold creamy goodness? If they don't, then you're most likely not a soft serve ice cream. This of course could all just be a lie, just as cake is. If you encounter such things you are advised to duck and cover, as it will shield you from the blast waves. If this fails, please seek help elsewhere or call our designated hotline.

Invention

Soft serve ice cream has been around for nearly all eternity. It was invented in the late 2200s by the famous Genghis Kahn: warrior, trumpeter and rubber nipple salesman. Kahn stumbled upon the invention whilst impaling a cow with a 450MHz salad shooter. It is believed that he was huffing kittens at the time.

Genghis Khan in his naughty kitten huffing days.

In Medicine

Soft serve ice cream is the oldest known method of medicine in this universe. It was most commonly used to cure hobos of food borne illnesses, such as death. The method of applying it consisted of gangs of monks kicking the ice cream in the face until it turned a greenish color. Once this phase was reached, the hobo would be sacrificed to the woodland demons and the ice cream would be properly disposed of in a nuclear sandwich facility. These nuclear sandwich facilities were best for disposal because of their exceptional availability of waste baskets.

Lactose intolerance

Many oppose soft serve ice cream, primarily those that exhibit lactose intolerance. In Paddle v Swim the United States Supreme Court refused to even hear the case in which lactose intolerance could have been outlawed. A Constitutional Amendment to make everyone tolerant of lactose was voted down a group of congressmen, who by their vote have demonstrated this very intolerance. Soft serve ice cream can win over this intolerance, but the job is much tougher.

Popularity

Care must be taken not to eat soft serve ice cream too fast or an ice cream headache can result.

Soft serve ice cream first grabbed the public imagination when the movie Billy Jack came out and the children went to the malt shop but, because of their race, they were denied soft serve ice cream. Soft serve ice cream actually saved the movie. Originally the movie was shot with regular ice cream being denied and test audiences left in droves, stating they felt the ice cream scene was unbelievable and they sympathized with the villains and not with Billy Jack and the children. Many said they would pull their children from the Freedom School. The movie was re-shot with soft serve ice cream being denied the children and new test audiences made this movie franchise a major success will all demographic groups except those lactose intolerant. They also increased soft serve ice cream sales, with many people of all races and religions getting an ice cream cone full of soft serve ice cream. If only Billy Jack would have made a fourth movie fighting against lactose intolerance soft serve ice cream would be in every home today.

Global warming

Many Eskimos have desired soft serve ice cream, especially after seeing Billy Jack. Oh, it is served them, but quickly freezes hard. Thanks to global warming, this may soon change.

Soft serve ice cream on other planets

Galileo began wondering if soft serve ice cream could exist in the milky way. In 1609 Galileo built a 3X telescope and began searching the heavens. In this period there existed a geocentric view of soft serve ice cream - that soft serve ice cream could only exist on Earth. Galileo began to theorize that soft serve ice cream could exist on Jupiter and Mars. In 1616, at a soft serve ice cream church social, Galileo was attacked by the church for his belief that the Earth was not the center of the soft serve ice cream universe. It was not until 2008 that soft serve ice cream has discovered on other planets - see UnNews:Ice cream discovered on Mars