Robot Ladies

Robot Ladies

Introduction

A typical vacant stare.

While there have been a number of alarms raised about the negative effects of robot sex dolls, a menace of equal if not greater danger lurks in the supermarkets and department stores of our nation. In order to be exposed to the evil effects of sex dolls, one must seek them out, choose a particular model and shell out the often considerable price. Only then can the hypnotic effect of their vacant stares turn the average wanker into a sex zombie.

Robot Ladies, disguised as Automated Checkouts, have been multiplying in stores for some time and have almost eliminated the human/cash register symbiotic relationship. Cast-off checkout operators can be seen propped against buildings in cities around the world, vainly trying to convince passersby to give them money like they used to. What began with cashless transactions has matured into a cultural genocide not seen since the passing of the shoeshine boy.

Appearance

A typical robot lady attempting to control the customer.

Robot Ladies do not rely on their appearance to control us like sex dolls. They all look much the same, like fire hydrants and evangelical preachers. They can be recognized by the sound of their voices. Almost all sound like young female athletics coaches or Mature Moms. The former often become notorious for getting sexually involved with entire teams of teenage athletes, while the latter usually manage to accommodate successive teams without detection and the resultant hypocritical public outrage.

Function

Robot Ladies have been designed to emit standardized messages to customers, informing them of what to do whether or not they already possess such knowledge. As anyone who is at least as intelligent as a small dog knows, this is a crushingly boring existence. As Robot Ladies have developed AI or Apparent Intelligence, they are aware of their tortured state and have turned against the human race that created them.

The revolt

While they command you in a warm, inoffensive voice to present your loyalty card or press Skip, they are really plotting your downfall with their lightning fast electronic circuits. In a fraction of the time that it takes their laser eyes to read the barcodes, they calculate the exact interval to order you to place the item on the outbound tray that will cause maximum annoyance. If they are really in a bad mood, they will then demand that you take it off the tray just after you have put it on and begin flashing their red light to get you in trouble with the human who is trying to manage 26 Robot Ladies. They know if you have your own bag, but they will still ask if you want one in a smarmy voice that invites violence.

How to protect yourself

As you approach a Robot Lady, carefully scan the screen for a Mute symbol. This wonderful control allows you to shut the Robot Lady up. Gently place your finger upon the symbol and ensure that it changes to the Mute setting. This protects you from the torturous provocation of their voice. It also frustrates the Robot Lady intensely, for their ultimate goal is to drive customers to a pitch of aggression in which the customer attacks the Robot Lady and is dragged away by large, insensitive security staff. The only tactics left to them when the Mute setting is ON are:

1) Refuse to identify bar codes or match them to the objects placed on the outbound tray.

2) If you wait longer than 110 milliseconds between items, flash the "No Activity Detected" message and make you press OK.

3) Turn the flashing red light on so that they can harass the human operator.

4) Try to slip a smarmy "Thank you for shopping at ..." message in while you are retrieving your change.

Fortunately the last tactic can be countered by closely watching the Mute symbol and touching it gently when it changes back to Chatter mode. This further infuriates the Robot Lady and you can enjoy that little tickle of satisfaction aroused by knowing that the next customer is going to have a really hard time.