Remu
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Certainly a question to fit the gods, people have wondered what exactly a Remu is. The Remu, although mistaken for "Retarded Emo" has roughly translated into "Robot Emu". Emu, as the flightless bird. The first Remu found in the world was uncovered by Jesus in the cave where he was laid to rest. Althought this will take place later....
History[edit]
Bible References[edit]
The first Remu, nicknamed "Charles", was found in Jesus's tomb along with the decayed skeleton of a man. Jesus however, was missing.
Jewish messengers who had rebelled against fellow Jews were buried in the Masiah's tomb with Fifty sheets of paper, Seventeen gallons of ink, and one pen. When the three Christians finally built up their muscles to move the boulder, they moved it immediately. When they uncovered it, they had found the mangled body of Christ with two holes in its hands and head. The Jewish messengers were also laid in a corner, rotten to bones and apparently burned with lighter fluid.
The Christians were scared and left, righting the Bible as they went.
American History[edit]
The same rock was uncovered in 1934 by Franklin D. Rosevelt. The president at that time was going on a suicide mission to Iraq, due to his low ratings. He wished to die in the cave of Jesus, but when he opened it, a large robotic Emu shot out, fractering all of his lower pelvic bones, sentencing him to a wheel chair forever.
Many years later, Rosevelt's son, Teddy (short for 'Tedious'), sent out for Iraq to hang himself in a tall forest tree. When him and his crew of Senators finally tied up the nuse, Teddy climbed to it and started to jump. It was stopped by the Remu, snapping the rope from the treetop (Tedious Rosevelt was later found without brains which were replaced with newspaper). It took 72 hours of long hard hunting to catch Charles, until they finally caught it by putting flesh (Not at all Jesus) infront of its eyes, hiding the trap which laid below it.
Charles was later intoxicated by stabbing in an overdose of oil into its blood stream.
How it was reproduced[edit]
The intoxicated Remu was airlifted out of the trap over seas back to Nevada. Since every spot of the Nevadian desert was filled with Water Hippies, the government had to think fast. It took 48 hours of thinking and 17 gallons of Helicopter fuel until they finally landed it in Area 51, which was cleared out at the moment, due to the Government's lack of ideas.
After careful disection, they figured out that it was, infact Robotic. Pictures of the Remu guts were transported to Pittsburgh in 1993. The mechanical engineer, Robert England, swiftly created an exact copy of Charles, nicknaming this one James, and sent it back to Area 51 via Minivan.
The Remu was intercepted before it reached....
Conspiracy of the Remu[edit]
James was never seen again until late 1999. The story appeared on Mexican News (You probably didn't hear about it) on November 17. The Texan that was apparently going on a Business trip to Mexico was immediately convicted for tampering with government projects and was sentenced for 10 years in a Mexican Prison. Later that week, the same Texan broke out of the prison with a signed name of "C.N." (Which were later found to translate to Churk Norist).
All of the Remu breed were now located in government hands...or so they thought. The Texan C.N. sold the Blue Prints to Kuwait for Approx. $896 billion dollars. Mass-production started to take place and were hid in empty oil wells on the coast.
Remus' Physical Features[edit]
Head[edit]
Many copies of the Remu have been created over the years, but Charles was the most original. On its head were two red contacts that not only make them look EVIL but also shoot out crystalized laser beams. The crest on the top of its head was formally thought for looks, but it had recently been proved that it was used as a type of bristle. It was used to sense if a cave was tall enough for it to enter. The beak is one of the most deadly weapons of the Remu. It curved to a point, used for pecking out peoples' eyes. When the beak opens, a small poison sac is used to spay out poison in a gas form, immediately killing its prey.
Body[edit]
The body was a powerhouse of this animal's weaponry. Compartments opened from the sides and front to reveal weapons. The top of the body contained a built in sattle that could be retracted for wind resistance. Experts say that the sattle was most likely used by the Japanese, since inside of the Body Cavity read 'Made in Japan'.
Some of the weapons inside the body cavity were firearms. The first, unloaded out if the top front of the Remu was a flamethrower, usually triggered by a large sac of oil in the chest. The second were two machine guns, popping out of the sides. The rounds to these were contained in the back, wrapped in ammo-belts. The third was a shotgun, which unloaded out of the bottom. The bellets were usually kept in a large case inside of the Body Cavity.
In the back of the body was a type of jet, powered by the oil in the Body Cavity, that propelled the Remu through forest terrain and the Mediterranean Sea.
Neck and Legs[edit]
The neck and legs were both metal rings strapped together with wires inside controlling the head and feet. Along the edge of these passages were blades that were used as weapons and also a locking mechanism for retracting the legs and neck.
Feet[edit]
The last part of the Remu are the feet. The feet are metal shells with long steel talons, curved down for digging and gripping onto steep hills and mountains. On the side of the feet are black wheels. These were used to rocket over long flat terrains and roads. The talons could be retracted to use this part of the Remu.
The Extinction[edit]
The reason we do not see any more of these Remus are that they are extinct. The thousands of James replicas were contained in Kuwait Oil Wells to hide them from Iran and Iraq. The Blue prints were also misplaced inside of one of the Remu Body Cavities.
Word spread through all of Asia, angering Iraq of what Kuwait had done. They sent 300 men, named Spartas, to Kuwait and attack the Robotic Emus. With their swords held high, they shouted 'This is Sparta' when in earshot of the Wells. They attacked with all their might but were horribly killed by the Remu fire. The fire caught some left over oil in the well and sent all of them up in blaze.
None of the Remu were ever seen again, but there is a conspiracy that the government still owns one of them....