Poo futures
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This article smells funny... ...and has been awarded a vanilla-scented air freshener. |
In these times of financial uncertainty, one bad investment could see you taking a short tumble from the playground to the poor house. So why are so many people simply throwing money away? Sure, some financial advisors will tell you that a "sure thing" such as gold, platinum or blood diamonds is the way to go. But those people are also racists, who drive German cars! Sure, everything "works". But it wasn't an American job that made that car go - it was a startlingly efficient Prussian android wearing leather shorts, defending the Fatherland by throwing bratwurst at the unclean. Do you realise what this means? By investing in gold, YOU are paying for Germans to exist. You're asking, is there a better way? You may not have asked yet, but you were certainly thinking it. If you were not thinking it, you're probably German. Get outta here, Fritz!
A better way![edit]
Say goodbye to spurious claims and shaky investments - this one's the real deal! My programme for financial success is based on sound management and years of experience of being a stay-at-home dad. Here are the five principles underpinning this exciting new opportunity!
Things are getting worse![edit]
In the future, nobody can hear you scream. Nobody, that is - except the other folks at the homeless shelter!
"Everybody poops"[edit]
No getting away from this one, folks! As soon as that fat old sun comes up each day, there's a rosebud straining to see the light. Why, my pants feel tighter already!
The future is sexy and exciting![edit]
In the future, we'll need new sources of energy to power personal jetpacks, new materials to manufacture personal jetpacks, and new investments to replace those ones that just became worthless! The cutting edge is here - watch out, it's sharp!
"Everybody keeps pooping"[edit]
As the population of the Earth exponentially expands, so does our waste material. If we're not proactive, soon we'll be building the cities of the future on piles of compacted fecal matter!
Invest in tomorrow![edit]
Scientists are hard at work even as you read this, developing the solutions that will save Earth from wallowing in our own waste in a steady regression towards chaos! YOU could be the person making money out of these tremendous scientific developments! And all because you invested. You invested in poo.
Putocome™ Poo Futures: a business leaving a mark![edit]
Today, poo is buying at historical low prices. It's the perfect time to break into the market! Your money is your security: who knows what your investment will be worth when your poo futures mature? You've been making poo without reward for too long. Isn't it time to take back your future from those Wall Street fat-cats and Washington lobbyists? The answer is - yes! I have come here to tell you that I have seen the future, and it is poo. Poo futures are the investment the oil companies didn't want you to know about! That's right, everyone is against you except me! Together, Putocome™ and you can Create A Future In Poo™!
Testimonials from our satisfied customers![edit]
I know what you're thinking: why believe me? I'm just a part-time concert promoter! What you're forgetting is - I'm also a multi-billionaire to-be! But that's just one story. Read these italicised sentences and allow yourself to feel reassured, at ease, sleepy, ten pounds lighter, and two credit cards poorer!
“Poo on a Bic pen can be a useful weapon. I should know!”
“Thanks to Putocome™, I've seen the value in the everyday products I used to take for granted. I'm thinking of beginning a personal urine collection!”
Woah, not so fast Al! You can't have heard about Putocome™'s sister company, Weetobe™! Let us take all that hard work, and turn it into your profit! All you have to do is sit back and watch your investment grow. Get your local futures market on the phone and ask for Putocome™ Poo Futures. Don't take "no" for an answer! Even if they tell you that dealing in Putocome™ shares is unethical, and they won't have a bar of it! Don't let those in the know keep you out of the poo!