Pimped
“Two Pimpies for a shackle, they'd say... ”
Pimped was first coined by the Roman consul Marcelius Poserius in the late 3rd century A.D. as a term used for his favorite horse, which he arrogantly had plated with pure 12 karat gold. Incidentally, it's also the nickname for Poserius' commemorative coins.
A History of Being Pimped[edit]
In brief, there are a few highlights upon the history of the meaning and usage of the word "pimped". For the sake of completeness, a brief dissertation is provided below, on the three most common permutations of the word pimped. Throughout the years, the word has been picked up by many different cultures.
Byzantine Empire[edit]
The Byzantines, instigated the primary use we still see today. Following the example of Marcelius Poserius, the word "pimped" refers to anyone who has engaged in a blatantly poor example of emulating wealth.
Angry Muslims seeking the death of all Infidels[edit]
Muslims used a form of it, "abdupimped", to describe the behavior of menustrating camels. The remainder of the civilized world has elected to not use this extremely limited definition of pimped, because camels are fucking disgusting, they smell, and if one spits on you, you feel dirty for a damn long time.
Being Pimped in 1930's Germany[edit]
Jews created the term "pimpernickel" for U.N. Secretary General Napoleon Bonaparte (1616-1969), after the creation of Israel. The advent of Isreal becoming a sanctioned nation was commemorated by the creation of a coin officially valued at "5 British Shillings", bearing Napoleon's face. Forged from stolen hubcaps and painted yellow, it took very little time before the coin was dispassionately referred to as a pimpernickel throughout the known world, due to it's gaudy appearance and cheap construction. After the Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty, the quaint usage of the word fell out of use among most people.
Ancient Method of being Pimped[edit]
Although it has largely fallen into disuse, the traditional historic method of being pimped comes to us from the Middle Ages (1275 AD to 1400 AD). In this older context, the word refers to an ancient practice of maintaining a group of people designated to trade sexual favors for monetary goods, or an acceptable value of items with sufficient desireability. The actions of the pimpubines were often coordinated by a senior official, referred to as a the Pimpitus Maximus, later shortened to simply a Pimp. Although the roles of neither the Pimpitus Maximus or Pimpubines no longer exist, it is interesting for etymologists to note the archaic connection to Prostitutery.
Being Pimped Today[edit]
Recently the term has been repopularized by the White-People-Trying-to-Be-Black-and-Failing-Miserably community as a universal past-tense verb, with the intention to emulate the style of speaking used by many famous African-Americans, including Gary Coleman and Jennifer Love Hewitt. It is frequently used incorrectly to replace any verb in the English language.
Incorrect Usage by Fucking Chavs and Wannabes[edit]
Note: I don't actually know what the fuck a Chav is... because I'm American. But, it's fun to say. "Chav!". See? Chav.. I should totally rewrite the article on Chavs. It would fucking rock.
I pimped a pie.
I pimped my cat, who eagerly ate his food.
Correct Usage Examples[edit]
The policeman pimped my mom.
I pimped my ride, but everybody called me a cretinous chav tosser.
South Dakota has pimped itself out for the sake of making money during the Sturgis Rally, yet again.
Under correct grammatical patterns and usage, the word pimped is best applied to people of low income and low class, who attempt to emulate rich people by purchase excessively shitty looking fake gold, wearing of an alarm clock, and speaking like you have no functioning brain cells. Apparently, being a gun-toting moron is all the rage these days. To be honest with you, I hope these people decide to become real gangsta's and get into a knife fight with a Wheat Thresher, and then jump off a bridge.
How to get Pimped[edit]
Fortunately, becoming fully pimped these days is relatively easy. Our modern society with it's vast array of commercially available pimp-ready products offers a low cost and practical method of becoming fully Pimped.
Preparations[edit]
- Have no sense of style or taste.
- Take your $5 down to Ace Hardware.
- Buy some gold spraypaint.
- Buy some Chrome spraypaint.
- Buy a shitty watch.
- Buy a plastic Necklace
Execution[edit]
- Spraypaint your plastic Necklace gold.
- Spraypaint your shitty watch gold.
- Spraypaint the wheelwells on your shitty 1972 Caddillac chrome silver.
- Spraypaint the front grill of your shitty 1972 Caddillac chrome Silver.
- As extra money becomes available from your habits of stealing televisions, and mugging white people, purchase more plastic jewlery, and spraypaint it gold as well.
- Dentures! The latest Fad is to acquire dentures, paint them gold, and use superglue to adhere rhinestones to the outside. This revolutionary technique is referred to as "Grilling". Grilling is at the cutting edge of becoming "Pimped"