Piesexual

Jason Biggs, Patron Saint of Pie Fuckers, explains the Birds and the Bees to his father, Eugene Levy, Patron Saint of Pie Fucking Sons.

Piesexuality is a term to describe humans who gain indiscriminate and unrivalled pleasure from sexual intercourse with pies. The term is not to be confused with pisexuality (sex with 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582... different genders of people), or pyzexczualytyyy (a small Polish village) or even pisexuality--which refers to people who masturbate to Petr Beckman's outstanding book A History of Pi. Sufferers of piesexuality may get extremely aroused when visiting Greggs, less so when visiting Hampsons, mainly because everyone knows Hampsons is crap. Piesexuals often follow the religion Pieism, but not always.

Recently there has been a sizeable piesexual pride movement called TSPPM (the Sizeable Piesexual Pride Movement), which has lobbied to give piesexuals the same rights as other perverts and vagrants.

Description

A piesexual.

Piesexuals gain notable, physical pleasure from sexual contact or stimulation with pies, and sometimes pastries. On desperate occasions, piesexuals may even use puddings. Common piesexual practices include "put cock in pie", "piebagging" and "wanking into a pie". Some pisexual persons shun "normal" sexual behaviour and instead commit themselves solely to the wonders of the pie. The dirty bastards.

Some piesexual people display fetishistic behaviour with only certain flavours of pie. The best known example of this was Chris Martin of Coldplay. Chris would only gain arousal from Holland's meat and potato pie, citing the fact that "it's more meaty than the others". Martin committed suicide in 1998 when the bureaucrats in Whitehall made them market it as "potato and meat".

Terminology

The term piesexual covers a wide range of filthy activities, but can be more accurately defined as such:

• Pansexual is a term for those who gain satisfaction from the vessel of the pie. This usually isn't a pan, but the bureaucrats in Whitehall wouldn't rename it. Damn you, Prescott! Damn you!
• Pie-curious is a term to describe those who often think about pies in a suggestive manner, but haven't yet lost their pie-ginity.
• A Crust is one who takes the dominant role in his or her sexual relations with pies, analogous to a top in the gay world.
• A Filling is someone who is generally more submissive. Base behavior includes having gravy dripped on the face and being penetrated by pastries.

See also

• Wigan