“And I asked my mother 'can I touch the lady in the water? And she said yes I could, but I had to touch Mommy first. And then I asked, 'Mom, can I date the lady in the water?' and she said smiling 'sure, but you gotta date me first.' And yesterday I said 'Mom, may I marry the lady in the water?' and she said o.k., but you'll have to marry me first.”
“*sigh* Who is he?”
Paul Edward Valentine Giamatti (born June 6, 1967) is a brilliant actor from the Shakesperean era, who has been reincarnated into a post-modern role-model incapable of portraying happiness. He is believed by some to be divine, and sent by the gods to reform our selfish ways. While some disagree with these claims, he is loved by all except most, and acknowleged in some circles to be the greatest actor of all time.
Paul is known for his tasteful image. His nasally lisp, his morbid obesity, and his sweet sweet nectar that drips from his shoes.
Paul's shoes have been bronzed several times, but the FBI is looking into these pilgrimage sites. They discovered that the shoes were in fact fake. Scammers have made millions of dollars from these shoe sites. DON'T BELIEVE THEM! THE REAL SHOES SIT ON MY MANTLEPIECE!
The true nature of this image is modesty. Paul wishes to stay low-key, and his geeky image allows him to blend in with today's standards.
After the film Sideways came out, the wine industry went up 60000%. The business of all alcohol went up 30000%. The Russian economy went up 10000%.
Paul has been rejected by the Oscar folks several times. There are many explanations why:
- America believes in the separation of church and state, and thought it unconstitutional to give the award to a deity
- His hair was a lot worse than George Clooney's
- He is not Jewish
- They just don't like him
- Paula Abdul thought that George Clooney was hot
- Tom Cruise thought that George Clooney was hot
- George Clooney thought that George Clooney was hot
Paul vs. George
Since George Clooney, who is in fact a spawn of Satan, was he who defeated Paul in Hollywood, a dark feud has erupted. Paul Giamatti told George Clooney that his hair looked stupid. George told Paul that he needed to get a life. Paul told George to go step on something poisoness. George told Paul top go sit his ass on a couch and sip some pinot.
St. John the Evangelist was transformed into the future and witnessed Paul killing George and throwing him into the fires of hell, an event now referred to as the Apocalypse.
“I'd rather have a knife.”
“It's really just the most...ancient thing on the planet.”
“You better not do anything like that in wine country.”
“I am the light of the world.”