Patrick Dwyer
| This article may be Overly Irish. The British may understand humour, but frankly we couldn't care less. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
“That is some Fiiine Guinness.”
“Who?”
Patrick Dwyer was a member of the Irish Royal Family and celebrity. He was also known as a member of clubs like the Highland Beck League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and the Elite Order of Snickety Ticklewillys. Known for his various on-screen appearances in sitcoms such as Will and Grace, Coronation Street, and Connery for the Less Impaired. He was often viewed by the public as an open and flamboyant homosexual. He had been observed with many famous men, including Sean Connery, Mel Gibson, Michael Jackson and John Fitzgerald, the Third Duke of Picklewilly Glen. He lived from 228 BC until 1994 AD.
Birth[edit]
Patrick dwyer was born Willie B. Hardigan on St. Patrick's Day, 228 BC in Picklewilly Glen. He had his name changed at age 5 to prevent being arrested by the Picklewilly Glen Silly Name Police. His mother was a poor merchant, and his father was a stay-at-home wife. His father was known to drink Jack Daniels, and would often abuse Patrick's mother.
Teenage Life[edit]
Patrick's teen life caused him a lot of trouble. At the young age of 12, he met Walt Disney, who introduced Patrick to a world he had never seen. Throughout Patrick's teen life, he lived as a drug peddler. He became a criminal at only 14. Around the age of 15, he hit rock bottom. Walt Disney (his once fiance) left him, and his family deserted him. To null the sadness, he would go down to the Cock's Head Inn and perform Karaoke.
Big Break[edit]
Patrick dwyer received his big break when he was 16, when he would go to the karaoke bar at the Cock's Head Inn, located in nearby Jigglywicket. He would perform "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston. This is also where he met his first lover, Bono. After 12 performances, he was discovered by a drunk Oscar Wilde, who sampled his goodies. He was signed to Pigglywiggly Records, and he made his first album, "Altar-Boy Blues".
Alter Boy Blues[edit]
Patrick's debut album was released on Emo Day, 1544 to great success. That year, he won 48 Grammy Awards, and received a Mini Fyfe, (the Irish equivalent to a Gold Record), and an Ian Fyfe one year later (the equivalent of a platinum record).
After the Music[edit]
After seventy-three years and fourteen months of great musical success Patrick dwyer decide to quit his music career and start writing a series of non-fiction novels. He wrote several best sellers like "Leprechauns and proof they exist", "Several magical creatures who know leprechauns", "Why leprechauns have short tempers", and "How to win a court trial when a leprechaun sues because you over use a joke" which won the Brandon Cook Award for best illustrated history of Ireland. His autobiography entitled "The Irish Zorro", written in 1767 went on to become an international bestseller. It won the Guraya award of literary excellence.
He later took his famous book "Leprechauns are here to stay." on tour in the U.S of A. He traveled all 51 known states and 63 unknown states signing, selling and burning his book. He appeared in many television shows, in which he publicized his book.
The most remembered one was when he stared on the David Letterman show, and David kept going on and on about how he didn't believe in the supernatural. This caused Patrick to cry like a baby and run off stage screaming, "They do exist, AND I"M NOT CRAZY!". David then went on to prove his point by reciting Macbeth on stage which is highly unadvised. Three minutes later the lights mysteriously went of while Mr.Letterman was laughing at how much of a pansy Patrick was, and when they came on David had four leaf clovers sown over his eyes and on his chest carved with a knife said, "Fear the Leprechauns". Sadly David Letterman did not die due to the fact that the knife used to carve the message was two centimeters long, but now he must wear those goofy glasses to hide the hideous disfigurement caused by the on stage assassination attempt.
Patrick dwyer was later arrested for attempted murder and disruption of a well appreciated show. Through out the whole time he was cursing at the evil leprechauns and how they have framed him for the last T.V. murder. Patrick was released part way through his sentence due to the help of a Mr.C.N.Taur, who claimed to have caught the whole thing on his infrared camera which he smuggled in to tape the show and sell free copies to fat losers who were to lazy to go to the show themselves.
Starlight, Patrick's Bright[edit]
Because of his appearance on the David Letterman show he had caught the eye of many movie and television producer's. His first T.V. appearance was on the crocodile hunter with Steve Irwin. Steve decided that it would be a good chance to see the Irishman in his natural habitat behaving as he normally would.
Patrick later sold the rights of his autobiography, The Irish Zorro, to famous movie producer George Lucas. This was a mistake due to the fact that he later took the idea of the beginning of Patricks book, "A while, a while ago in a galaxy close, close by", and turned it into a the well known beginning of the great movie Star Wars,"long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away ". Patrick sued the company for thirty-two euros and a twinkey that had well aged into some hard malt liquor. Unable to supply the twinkey, due to the fact that it was needed in case of a nuclear winter so the president could remain warm, Patrick then asked for a Kit Kat bar that had gone well past the expiration date. Unable to supply that either, Patrick kept demanding a series of expired candy bars, until he finally folded to staring in his own hit television sitcom, "Everybody Doesn't Know of Patrick".
His sitcom, which lasted a week and twelve seconds, described Patrick's home life while using gentle comedy to keep the audience interested. They used subtle jokes like dropping an anvil on top of Patrick's head,, and making him fall face first into cow patties. The series ended when Patrick made a inappropriate joke about lesbians to his co-star Ellen Degeneres, causing her to walk off stage. His television career ended after this incident and he never acted again.
Retirement[edit]
At age 2180, Patrick dwyer retired to his birthplace at Picklewilly Glen. He had since released one farewell album, which was greeted with poor sales. He would still visit John Fitzgerald, and could be found doing cameos for "Connery for the less impaired". He would still perform his farewell album at the Cock's Head Inn. He lived in Picklewilly Glen for 42 years, until his death in 1994.
Death[edit]
On June 32'nd, 1994, after a rough performance at the Cock's Head Inn, Patrick Dwyer drowned to death. He was trying to compensate for his hangover by taking Aspirin, when he lost muscle control, and drowned in a puddle of his own urine.
Capitalization of Last Name[edit]
A common topic among admirers was the proper spelling of Patrick's last name. Contrary to more popular belief, his last name was not capitalized. Before the release of his first album "Alter Boy Blues", he changed the spelling of his last name to break away from his Picklewilly roots. The name was also suggested by the young Oscar Wilde.
Best Noted Works[edit]
After Patrick dwyer's death, most of his albums, paintings, potato chip brand, Condom collection, etc. actually went DOWN in price. leaving his best noted works not worth the shamrock they were printed on. However, one particular painting sold hundreds of thousands of copies. This particular painting portrays a young man torturing his beloved cat. This painting, which Patrick effectively called "Carson" is now priced at five hundred billion dollars.(Patrick dwyer's only relative sold it to a museum for a little over three pints of Guinness)
Religion[edit]
Contrary to popular belief, Patrick dwyer was not a Jew. The in-your-face attitude, the likeability, the thick, lustrous beard and the mountain of wealth that seemed to never disappear, all point to the fact that he is Jewish. But the fact still remains that he is NOT, in fact, Patrick dwyer was, at one point the grand leader of his own religion, "The League Of Extraordinary Irishmen." (not to be confused with the group: "The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen.")
This religious cult consisted of four members: Patrick dwyer (grand leader) The familiar Wookie Chewbacca(general) the prostitute with three boobs from the movie "Total Recall"(nun) and a retarded, seven-year-old British boy(accountant) The religious cult lasted nearly three years, until it was quickly assimilated by the Catholic Church after they realized that the cult was actually serious about itself. They didn't go down without a fight, however, there was a climactic battle on mount everest that lasted nearly forty years. Suffice to say, Patrick dwyer escaped with his Irish luck, Chewbacca was turned to the dark side, the prostitute got Aids from one of the Priests, and the retarded boy killed himself with an apple and two paper clips.
To save himself from embarrassment, Patrick dwyer faked the fact that he was Jewish, and was free from the Catholic Church to do whatever he pleased. The secret got out however, from the familiar Wookie, who was turned back to the light side after finding out that Darth Vader was his father. Chewbacca was quickly silenced, but not before local Scientology Grandmaster Jacque Snow found out. Jacques attempted to tell the public about the secret cult, but they didn't believe it, deeming the story "too far fetched". Bewildered and defeated, Jacques resorted to calling Patrick dwyer a "gay" Jew. And so the story remains, to the publics view, but not to the well educated eye.