Papercuts (intradermal papyral lacerations, IPL) are a form of sharp force trauma that have become increasingly common since both the 1989 release of Nirvana's Bleach and the advent of the 'paperless office'.
- The first recorded incident of a paper cut was 1240AD, when the Benedictine monk St Nicholas opened his bible in great haste. The Book of Psalms flew out of the bible and sliced his arm. The resulting bloodstain was the precursor to the modern Santa Suit and, due to St. Nicholas' habit of throwing gold at Christian prostitutes, female menstruation.
- 1492 - Columbus returns from the Americas bearing paper. King Ferdinand is happy with Columbus' gift, and combines it with Sir Walter Raleigh's gift, sweet tobacco. In 1503, Ferdinand dies of paper-related cancer.
- 1847, Portugal bans the delivery of paper. Unfortunately, this was impossible, as the paperwork to be delivered led to a papyral paradox.
- 1865 - Civil War breaks out in America after Jefferson 'Airplane' Davis demonstrates what to do with Abe's Emancipation Proclamation, resulting in an intrarectal papyral laceration.
- 1998 - Wisconsin Elementary student Mark Gifadet perfects his paper airplane design; plans for world domination fail when the homebrew Luftwaffe pierces his teacher's herz.
- 2005 - Your Mom is put through hospitalization after Sharkboy throws toilet paper rolls at him.
- 2010 - Adam Young was the first person to get a papercut on his cornea.
- 2093 - Aliens from Mariah Carey's home planet, Careyon, invade Earth in search of Mariah due to her sensational chart-topping career. Humans defeat the aliens using a structured defense of paper cuts and Clag glue. Portugal bows its head in shame.
- 2120 - "Weird Al" Yankovic discovers the written lyrics for the song that never ends. However, his elation is short-lived when the papers attack him, citing his lack of self awareness as a 'parody artist'. He receives several papercuts to the face, and a near-death experience, resulting in the parody track "Everything You Know is Wrong" from the 1996 Album 'Bad Hair Day'. What Weird Al may have said about the paper's apparent self-awareness is of course, unknown.
Papercuts can happen anywhere, at anytime. If you are in the wild and you suffer a papercut, you must immediately scrub the wound with rattlesnake venom and leper saliva, or not. Seek medical attention immediately, or don't.
If you have access to a first aid kit and potatoes, do the following:
- Sit in a comfortable position
- Wait, sorry. Fetch a ladle and 17 potatoes
- Resume your previous position
- Mash the potatoes to the consistency of liquid
- Using the ladle, apply the potato juice to the area around the wound
- Let the wound sit for 2-3 hours whilst chanting "Blooba da bing, gug" over and over.
Don't forget that it's always better to avoid such accidents than to have to treat them.
How to Avoid Papercuts
Stay away from paper.
Scientists in the Portugal are currently working on a cure for papercuts; so far there has been great progress. Lead scientists across the nation banded together and put their collective efforts to one project. Pills are in the making, and a protective suit prototype is in testing.