O'Possums

They're always after me Lucky Charms!

The O'Possum is the Irish national animal. Once used as a tiebreaker in drinking games, the O'Possum is now protected under International Law as an endangered species.

Habitat

O'Possums can usually be found in forests near large cities or in pubs, usually around the time the Dublin Drunken Popes, an Irish Premier League futball club, are playing. O'Possums are biturnal, meaning they only sleep once the depressant level in their body reaches a high enough concentration and usually have a hangover. This is also why O'Possums are very sensitive to loud noises. During the day they sleep in a hole in the ground or in a gutter. They are climbers and will sometimes enter a hole in an attic wall to spend days safely sleeping under the roof.

Feeding habits

O'possums are omnivores. Their favorite foods include corned beef sandwiches, shepherd's pie and black pudding. They will occasionally eat carrion, worms, snails, insects, snakes, toads, salamanders, mice, birds, slugs, fruits, vegetables, and garbage when low on cash. They nearly always feeds at night, active between the time they leave the pub until they pass out. They locate food by sense of smell.

Although they acquire a layer of fat in the fall, they neither store food nor hibernate so must eat constantly. Solitary hunters, they may forage several bars in a single night and move frequently to new locations. When food and beer is abundant, they will hang around for more than two or three nights.

Mating habits

O'Possums usually mate with other O'Possums that they never would have mated with if they were sober. Their evolution as alchovores has encouraged procreation for the O'Possum.

Nocturnal mating also aids in the acceptance of otherwise repugnant partners. When the O'Possum's liqour supply runs thin they may be forced into brief sobriety; coherent enough to be "painfully" aware of their mates aggressively hideous mating display.

Attacks on humans

Only one O'Possum attack is known. Shamus O'Reilly, a fan of the Wexford Wombats, was splashed with sulfuric acid (or sulphuric acid if you're a godless commie from Rest of World who likes to spell thing phunny) by a rabid O'Possum after the Wombats defeated the Drunken Popes 2-1. chessey poofs

Other facts

• Blah blah blah drunk joke.
• An O'Possum—code name Yer Man—was the first, and as of 2005 only, living being to orbit the Earth as part of the Irish Space Programme. He blasted off on 23 May 1965 on a Knock IV booster from the Cape Clear Space Centre, but due to a trajectory miscalculation (later traced to an argument between mission specialists over how big St Patrick's coracle would have had to have been to carry all his robes) the capsule only entered orbit on 4 September 1983.
• A parallel mission launched by the Oh Possums in Australia is still drilling its way toward Dublin.
• O'Possums taste good when prepared with a fresh chutney. There is a bit of a gamey aftertaste, however.

In popular culture

• O'Possums are typically bred for their skills in magic.
• O'Possums can be used as work animals, such as pulling a nightcart.
• Jack Benny had a pet possum and brought it to work with him. It remained backstage.