Your mom
Your Mom (born roughly twelve years before you and sixteen after your mom's mom) is a well known maternal and parental figure. She's celebrated for her dedication to keeping you out of R-rated movies, calling just to "check up on you", and swallowing more semen than the Bermuda triangle. Despite a certain "lack of credibility" most likely caused by said sluttery, your mom is always there to do your laundry, include love as an ingredient in her recipes, or crush you with her massive gravitational pull.
Early Life
Your mom was born to an average family that lived in an average neighbourhood in an average town or city that followed the law of averages. Your mom, following this trend, was averagely normal and uninteresting. Her early childhood began, like everybody else, with a period of preschool, followed by kindergarten, which was followed by 1st grade, followed by 2nd grade, followed by 3rd grade, which was followed by 4th grade, followed by 5th grade, followed by 5th grade again, as your mom was not the the brightest individual. This concluded your mom's brief stay in her elementary school, which was supremely average.
Following elementary school your mom's average life continued; she attended high school where she had a terrible time, because everybody has a terrible time in high school. It was in her years at high school that your mom was introduced to sex, guilt-free, consequence-less, free sex. However, as your mom was destined to find out sex is never consequence-less. During her time spent in middle school toilets (most of her time, actually was spent there), your mom acquired innumerable venereal diseases. Eventually, the consequences started to show, such as constant promiscuity and a less-than-vigilant attitude towards contraceptive practives. This then lead to your mom gaining weight (yes, more weight) and after a decidedly average and unremarkable pregnancy you came into being. Yes, it seemed that your mom had finally become your mom. You are simultaneously her pride and joy (since you've already helped her earn more money from welfare, food stamps and other social programmes) and the living manifestation of everything she hates in herself and the reason for all the misery in her life.
Years as Your mom.
Your mom didn't raise you alone, shortly after you were born you were likely introduced to your dad for the first time. Your dad is an average dad, but perhaps his most distinguishing feature is that you have not seen him in almost twenty years. You drove him away you see, that's probably another reason your mom hates you, which she obviously does. Even if your dad is still around, he likes to spend most of his time somewhere else; at work, in gay bars, or sitting up on the roof skeet-shooting pictures of you and drinking hard liquor.
You came into this world to a soon to be depressingly husband-less mom, who now worked numerous and lengthy shifts at work in order to support the strain on her budget. Unfortunately, your mom's average job made this very difficult and her absolute favourite way to take her mind off the challenges of daily life was to eat ice cream. This was an extremely effective coping strategy for your mom, and she would use it every single day for the first ten years of your life. This strategy caused her to gain an enormous amount of weight. Yes, it was this, coupled with extreme stress, that contributed to her now-gargantuan girth. This girth soon made it impossible for your mom to leave the house, as attempting to fit through doors was an extremely difficult and embarrassing task for her, which is definitely why it is so amusing for everyone else.
Your mom has since managed to find a way to accept you and your individuality, as well as a way to ignore how fat and miserable she is. You are an average child and that makes you a huge disappointment. You grew up in an average neighbourhood in an average town or city that followed the law of averages. That must really suck.
Speaking of things that really suck...
Your Mom Jokes
In recent years, some have chosen to take advantage of your mom's passive demeanour, and administer a series of libellous, cruel and unfunny jokes at her expense. The joke takes on many forms, from a spiteful retort to a mean-hearted insult told in passing. It should be noted that all of these jokes are, in fact, false, but most have a few common characteristics. For one thing, they all involve your fat, morally-inconsistent, downright average mother.
Not only that, most jokes generally say something negative about her, usually targeting her weight, intelligence(generally a lack thereof), her lack of sexual appeal, and/or her predisposition to improper and lewd public behaviour. Lastly, all "your mom jokes" cause an instant rush of endorphins, which usually give the teller of the joke an instantaneous "big man" feeling. If your mom told one she'd probably have a "big mom" feeling, but then she feels that all the time.
More recently, "your mom" has also been used as a reply to almost any statement.
Let us consider an example, let us imagine, that you and a friend are viewing a dwelling with a view and deciding whether to purchase it:
You: "Wow, this living room is huge,"
Your Friend: "Your mom is huge."
Or it could be something much simpler, like when you are asking a group of people who did something:
You: "For fuck's sake, who is making your mom joke behind my back?!"
The person who was making your mom jokes behind your back: "Your mom."
A your mom joke does not necessarily have to make sense, since your mom doesn't make sense. Mentioning "your mom" randomly is a good way to change subjects or liven a dull conversation. "Your mom is a dull conversation." Be careful though, because replying to anything somebody says with a your mom joke is very addictive and can easily become a negative habit. "Your mom had a negative habit last night." I'm sorry. As you can see this sort of juvenile behaviour can easily escalate out of control, even for calm and collected individuals like me, leading to alienation and an inability to do anything but tell crude your mom jokes all day long.
"I do your mom all day long."
"Because everybody else does too."
See also
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
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Featured version: 16 June 2014 |
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