Magdalene College, Cambridge
Magdalene College (pronounced thwaarpgrrrfpth), or, the Cambridge Centre for Remedial Studies, is one of the 33 colleges college of the University of Cambridge, England.
Unoriginally built by the Fifteenth Sentry, the college was refounded in 1988, when a mass breeding programme was established in an attempt to lessen the previous dominance of the lesser-spotted public school twit.
However, the college retains a fierce pride in its degenerate activities, surviving on its modest endowment of £72, much of which is spent in the Pickled Inn, in studious avoidance of the college motto, 'Garde Ta Foy' (Old Fr., lit. 'Watch Your Liver')
Hostile Nuns[edit]
The college used to be the richest landowner in Olde Englande, its land stretching as far as the eye could see, but a group of hostile nuns in their convent's garden took it upon themselves to conquer the land, giving only the price of a pint in the Pickled Inn (around £3.00) in compensation. They can be seen seated in the lap of luxury, enjoying the wealth which should have belonged to the college. Anger at this luxury may be seen as a prime cause of the Reformation (c.f. Duffy, 1994).
The nuns had held a grudge against the college for some time, having joined the order after a mass marriage breakdown. The college had its roots in some monks from a local (Crowland) branch of Abbey. The monks has all been married to the women who became the nuns, but decided they'd rather go to Cambridge and set up a frat house on the north side of the river, i.e. outside the jurisdiction of the city authorities where all the brothels were. The nuns were not too pleased, hence their later attempts to sabotage the college. This partially explains the college's ambivalence to the fairer sex, which persisted until 1988, whereupon love was all you needed.
Wealth[edit]
The relative wealth of Cambridge institutions, a topic of some contention and rivalry, may be judged from the following summary examples:
| Institutions by Wealth | ||
| Institution | Amount | |
| Trinty (large), Cambridge | £700,000,000,000,000 | |
| GDP of USA | £10,000,000,000,000 | |
| Trinity (small) | £50,000,000 | |
| Sainsbury's (Sidney Street) | £8,360,000 | |
| St John's (Catering dept.) | £8,126,783 | |
| Clive the Big Issue man | £1,453,709 | |
| UL Tea Room takings 2004-5 | £89,781 | |
| Average Student Loan | £3,500 | |
| Magdalene College | £72.03 | |
Voyeurism[edit]
Those considering a visit to the college should be aware of certain cultural differences which exist when one crosses the border into Magdalene territory. It is, I think, fair to say that Samuel Peeps, so women should cover up and dress to whatever degree of modesty becomes them. For those of a liberal disposition, the Peeps Library offers a wide collection of antique erotica.
Penitentiary[edit]
Strapped for cash, the college was forced in the 1950s and 1960s to accept money from Wetspinster in exchange for its assistance with the vastly overcrowded British prison system, building 'Prisoner Cell Block O' in order to house the kind of people which the other prisons around the country simply could not handle. Murderers, arsonists, muggers, sodomites, scholars and perverts, these people stay behind closed doors and are rarely let out for exercise, to the great relief of the other students.
Why Vern?[edit]
Central to the college's educational programme across all subjects is the aim of allowing all students to graduate with an ability to answer that perennial puzzler, "Why Vern?". The question has been known to cause some students to be violently sick as they grapple with it, especially in the yearly meeting at the Pickled Inn during which experts on the issue try to get to grips with it at a base-sick level.
Infamous Illuminati[edit]
Among the college's more famous progeny are:
- S. Peeps, notable 17th Century voyeur.
- C.S. Parnell, notable Irish lothario.
- I.A. Richards, notable doctor, who did much of practical benefit to the critically ill.
- A.M. Ramsay, notable cleric, also Magdalene's less notable chef to this day.
- T. Hardy. Perennial.
- T.S. Eliot, notable author, born Mary Ann Evans.
- C.S. Lewis, notable kidnap victim, taken from a better place in 1954 to supplement the (psuedo-)alumni section of the Magdalene College website.
- B. Gascoigne, notable mental health worker, for the universally challenged.
- J.C.F. Simpson, notable fashion model (specialising in Burkas).
- J. Fellowes, notable fellow.
- N. Mandela, notable person who one visited the college and was accidentally awarded a degree, instead of Clive the big issue man who was scheduled to receive the degree and would have taken up the University's Chair of Rhetoric were it not for the error.
- S. Heaney, another man who got a degree somewhere else and then got one here later, through nepotism. Mainly digs snug troughs.