Maddenstown, County Kildare

Maddenstown is a mysterious land found somewhere in the deepest darkest region of County Kildare. It is inhabited mainly by humans, crossbreed humanoids, sheep, ogres and goblins. It is widely known for its popular watering hole or tavern known locally as "Dannys" or "Larkins" or "The place to go when everyone's barred from everywhere else". This tavern is usually very busy and has housed many local events such as the crowing of the annual "Rose of Maddenstown" winner, the annual wrestling match between the King of Maddenstown and the Lord of the Sheep and also the weekly "shifter of the week" tournament where local youths gather in the corner of the tavern and shift the face off each other to try to receive the vote for "best shift" from the pervy aul lads at the bar.

History

Historians believe that Maddenstown was originally a meeting site for the Knights of the Brownstown army and the infamous "Furze Bush Floozies" in around 1511AD who roamed the bordering lands of the Curragh Plains in search of work. Brownstown is a large city which is in Dan Donnellys arms reach of the area where these meetings used to occur. The Knights used to refer this area as "The Dirty Saddle" , as many of them would remove the saddle from their horse and place it on the ground when they had relations with the floozies so as not to encounter any nasty scrotal injuries from the thistles which grew in the area. Over time the wives of the knights grew suspicious of their husbands activities as they were arriving home in the early ours smelling of furze bushes and floozie juice. One evening one of the wives, Joswelda Doylicus, followed her husband Froggus Maximus Doylicus . Froggus had told her he was going hunting badgers and would be back soon, but his wife grew suspicious when all he carried with him was a whip and a jar of brylcream. Joswelda followed him to "the dirty saddle" and caught him in the act with one of the floozies. She began to scream and shout at him at the top of her voice. One of the other knights who was a deserter from the English army and was in ear shot of Josie made a comment about her screaming saying "shes like a mad en that one" (en = hen). This remark would be repeated by the knights as a form of humour about their wives and as a precautionary warning when they would be embarking on a late night encounter with the floozies, over time this phrase led to the area being known as "Mad ens town" or "Maddenstown".

Dannys Tavern

As Maddenstown began to grow as a community and as a popular meeting place for working men and "working women" (whores) the emergence of a tavern was natural. A local business man called Danlius Wheelbarrow decided he would open a tavern in Maddenstown in 1655AD so people would have a place to meet in comfort and enjoy a beverage and a roof over their head as they discussed local events and such. The tavern quickly became a very popular venue for local Knights of the Brownstown army and also local working men such as blacksmiths , carpenters , rapists , shepherds and stonemasons. The tavern gained notoriety as a place where all types of man , woman and beast were welcomed. It was commonplace in Dannys to see humans intermingling with goblins , ogres, people from Nurney, mutated humanoids, jockeys and sheep. This was not very common in any other parts of Ireland at the time as all of these species kept to themselves and were commonly segregated from the human population.

Throughout the 1700's and 1800's this intermingling of species led to interbreeding and is the reason there are so many crossbreed species and unique creatures inhabiting modern Maddenstown in the 20th and 21st century. Many of these unique and indeed bizarre creatures can be seen roaming the streets and boroughs of Maddenstown and of course frequenting the still thriving Dannys tavern most days and nights.

Crime

The crime rate in Maddenstown was somewhat non existent from the 1500's through to the 1800's as the Brownstown Knights used to patrol the local area and would use a zero tolerance policy on any perpetrators of crime or mischief. It is said that one summers day in 1698AD a local youth infamous for his mischievous nature and fearlessness in the face of the threat of the Knights rode naked into the city of Brownstown on the back of a giant sheep and stole undergarments from the clothesline of the fair maiden Mazziela O'Brin. This youth known locally as Nedington Marsington, was chased on horseback by the Knights. His giant sheep was no match for the knights horses and soon tired and collapsed. As an example for all other potential trouble makers the knights chopped young Neddingtons testicles off and made him wear them as earrings and they made his scrotum into a beautiful hat which was given to the fair maiden Mazziela which she wore to local fairs and special events.

The modern evaluation of crime in Maddenstown has a much bleaker outlook. Throughout the 1960's Maddenstown became known as a hotbed of drug, prostitution and bestiality activity. Though many Maddenstownians claim that the activities being pursued are not illegal and are indicative of Maddenstown culture and history and should not be viewed as illegal or wrong. These activities include the picking, cooking and eating of magic mushrooms which grow in areas on the Curragh Plains, the selling of sex by local females which according to Maddenstownians is a part of their heritage and culture dating back to the time of the "Furze Bush Floozies", and lastly the relationships between Maddenstown men and the local sheep. In the early 1980's as the relationship between the Maddenstown natives and the authority's became increasingly strained a mandate was drawn up by the then mayor of Maddenstown, Lofty "Impressive Beard" Lofthouse. This mandate outlined the historical justification behind the legalisation of magic mushroom harvesting and consumption , selling of poonani by local wenches, and (consensual) relations of an intimate nature between men and sheep. After careful consideration and deliberation the government of Ireland granted Maddenstown immunity from criminal prosecution on all matters outlined in the mandate and Maddenstown became the first town , village or city in Ireland , Europe or the world to gain such immunity from the general laws of the state in which it resides. This liberation led to a thriving decade of trippin off their face on mushrooms , getting their hole off the trollops , and enjoying carefree and very disturbing wooly sex with the local sheep population. This carefree and somewhat primitive existence continued through the 90's and 00's and right up until modern times.

War

Maddenstown was a relatively peaceful location throughout the majority of its history, there are no major conflicts in any history books until very recent times. In the 1990's a gang began to gain notoriety for its anti-social behaviour and constant disruption of the then peaceful area. The gang itself did not hail from Maddenstown nor did any of its members but it certainly left its mark on the village.

The gang known as "The Crocháin Crew" or "TCC" was formed by a group of local youths who used to congregate on a hill on the outskirts of Brownstown known locally as The Crocháin. One of the founding members was a young man from a suburb of Brownstown called The Bush, he was called Pikey "The Searg" Daly. He was infamous for his amazing ability to be able to perform sexual relations on a woman before she even knew he was there. Local elders claimed that this was the work of magic or witchcraft and that Daly was indeed a warlock as this ability seemed sub-human. The other members of the gang included Philippe "The Scavenger" Gormaine, a french survival expert know to be able to survive for months on the remains of food he found thrown out locally. "Dangerous" Dane Radams, a local strongman who was so powerful that he was banned from all forms of mess fighting in the greater Kildare area. Dermod "Beans On Toast" Bean, a mysterious freak that lived on the outskirts of Brownstown and was fond of his ale. The gang also recruited two members from the City of Newbridge , Calvin "The Human Capsule" O'Donorvain , a man known for his ability to instigate mass brawls and leave unscathed. And Russ "Shoulder Pop" Rayden, who had the ability to pop his shoulder out of place in order to disorientate his victim before attack. TCC launched an unprovoked attack on a group of 4 Maddenstown dwarfs who were out picking magic mushrooms in the mushroom fields in East Maddenstown. The gang beat the 4 dwarfs severely and Daly violated one of the dwarfs in a sexual nature before hanging him from the branch of a tree by his dwarf jocks. This attack sent shockwaves through the community of Maddenstown and also through to city of Brownstown. It was the first outbreak of violence in the area in recent times and people feared further knock on violence. It wasnt long before peoples fears were realised when a gang from Maddenstown who gave themselves the name "Special Powerful Army Soldiers" or "SPAS", comprising of dwarfs , ogres, jockeys and crossbreed humanoids ambushed Radams and Gormaine as they were drinking cans of dutch gold in Toolers abandoned house in Southeast Brownstown. Radams was badly injured in the attack and Gormaine had both his nipples chopped off. This attack angered TCC greatly , as not only had this gang of creatures badly injured 2 of its members but it had the audacity to enter Brownstown to launch the attack. One week after the attack Calvin "The Human Capsule" O'Donorvain attempted to fly into the front wall of Dannys Tavern on a hand glider with a large ammount of explosives attached to him in a suicide attack, O'Donorvain missed the tavern and instead flew into a gathering of old women on their way home from bingo killing all 5 women and himself in the incident.

This led to many retaliation attacks by SPAS and then in turn TCC. This bloody feud continued through the late 1990's and into the early 2000's, resulting in many injurys and some deaths on either side. During the early 2000's TCC merged with another Brownstown gang known as "The Curragh View Cowboys" or "TCVC". After the mergence the new gang became known as "Brownstown Allies Live Long and Strong", or "BALLS". This gang was comprised of many up and coming young thugs from the city of Brownstown, including, Rabert "Hair Lingus" Boyle - a young half mexican/ half yeti with a deadly hook shaped willy that could have someones eye out in an instant, Virgil "Longshanks" Bean - a giant who could punch a giraffe in the face without even bein on his tippy toes, Seamus "Cyborg" Dillion - an icelandic DJ who many believed was actually a robot, Marcus "Red Warrior" Coolhaine - a fiery red headed gypsey who was well known for carrying a spork in his sock for conducting quick and sneaky attacks as well as being ready for tasty meals while on the move, Mole "Chizel" Frennelly - a determined fighter who was known for urinating on downed opponents, Bolin "Monkeyman" Maloon - a bizarre and unpredictable individual , known as the monkey man for his climbing skills and also his tendency to eat his own feces, Stephen "Scrambled Egg" Broon - a young man with a head so round that he could get out of anyones headlock, Eoin "Field Mouse" Rederington - known as field mouse because he once had sex with a mouse , in a field (Rederington was later kicked out of the gang for having a homosexual realtionship with a local gay prostitute James "Sicknote" Timmo). And last but not least Gerry "Romanian Baby" Gomoford - half man/ half romanian baby/ half scottish highlander.

BALLS fought SPAS all the way through the early 2000's. During the bloody feud SPAS had 14 members killed , 5 dwarfs , 3 jockeys , 3 ogres, 2 sheep and 1 half man/half freckle. BALLS also had casualtys, Gomoford was eaten by a witch, Radams was fired from a cannon across the Atlantic Ocean, Maloon was kidnapped by a circus never to be seen again, Gormaine died when eating the remains of a sandwich he found on the road which had been poisoned by SPAS and left as a trap. But the event which ended the bloody feud will live on in infamy. It was a sunny June evening in 2005. Dermod Bean and Pikey Daly were returning from a dance which had been held in Newbridge , they had been accompanied by Russ Rayden but he had left them on the outskirts of Newbridge to go home. All 3 of them had got a shift , Daly had even got the tit, over the bra. As they approached the outskirts of Brownstown, Daly noticed a group of girls sitting on the Crocháin, so Bean and Daly went over to investigate and hopefully get another shift. As they approached and began to attempt to talk with the girls the reality of the situation became apparent all too late , the "girls" or what seemed like girls were really SPAS in disguise. They set upon Daly and Bean and beat them brutally , Bean was killed in the attack but Daly surived, but at a cost. SPAS leader , a 4foot jockey, simply known as "Leather Bollox", chopped Dalys priced possession off, his willy. They then went back to Maddenstown and left Daly a broken and willyless man on the side of the crocháin. Soon after this Daly threw himself off the top of the tallest building in Brownstown, the Rising Sun, as he had nothing left to live for. A week later the remaining members of BALLS released a statement declaring a ceasefire with SPAS, which SPAS accepted and a truce was made. To this day Dalys willy can be seen in a glass case over the fireplace in Dannys Tavern as a reminder of what happened to the last gang of rogues who tried to upset the balance and harmony in the strange and wonderful land that is Maddenstown.