Lonely hearts column
- looking
|
Acronym-loving GFT looking for AHD with a GSOH for HS and YQR of the RE variety. AAS back if you TVO. Handsome, HIV positive Irishman seeks lover. Look me up if you like living dangerously! Professional wrestling fan seeks anyone. Anyone at all. No? Fine. Extreme narcissist seeks own identical twin for mutual love fest. Police man - 34, well-built - looking for caucasian male, about 6' tall, brown hair, regional accent, seen lurking near the petrol station at 10pm Wednesday evening. Rich atheist scientist and economist seeks soul mate. The constellations and the runes say it's time for true love. BYOB. Me, Jesus. You, Satan. No freaks. Leper seeking someone to play paddy cake with. Shed your fears and go for somebody who won't fall apart on you. Robot seeking technician to oil my cogs and insulate my wiring. Two birds of a feather? I cluck, do you fuck? Just kidding, lol. That'd be cool though. Zombie seeks woman with brains. Easy-to-please single male seeks double-jointed supermodel who owns a brewery and grows her own pot. Access to free concert tickets a plus, as is having open minded twin sister. Apart from that I'm not fussy. Want to have hot sex with a horny stranger? That's disgusting. Get a life you freak! Boobs! That is all. |
Amoeba desperately seeking partner... wait, one just appeared. And another. And another! Man seeking hot lady to help lay out mouse traps all over my back yard. We can let my dog outside and watch the fun together. Then we do it on the porch. Lonely young man (24) just wants to meet a friendly young woman to talk to. Patriarch of up-and-coming religion seeks altar girl. Man made entirely of sand seeks similar. Long time user seeks IP to blank my page. Handsome white male wants mate for violent hardcore torture sex culminating in death. Could lead to more if I like you! Desperately seeking Susan. You still have my black t-shirt. Brian Stevenson at (344)-453-9012 is gay. Please call and remind him. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister looking for love. No jokers. You're 5 foot eleven, blonde, 25 with a big rack. I look like Shrek and smell like Donkey - but you'll get your reward in heaven. Are you a fattie? I've got butterscotch! Chicken in pursuit of manly rooster from the barn. Don't make this pursuance a wild goose chase. Rich Piscean thinks Astronomy is horseshit but is rich. Straight man seeks lesbian (worth a shot). |
Rich Scorpio thinks astrology is horse-shit but is rich. Plane looking for hardcore tower to annihilate, if you know what I mean. Lonely eunuch seeks understanding woman (25-40) for walks in the park, candle-lit dinners, evenings by the fire and no more. Playful divorcee seeks someone who doesn't drink, who will listen when she's talking, and who'll help with the housework every once in a while. I enjoy long walks in the park and frenzied revenge-sex. Take that Rory, you pathetic excuse for a man! Level 42 mage searching for strong witch. Must know how to handle my wand. Dirty dog needs to bury his bone. Any bitch will do. Amputee double-jointed midget looking for someone who's not into kinky stuff. Looking for hot wheelchair sex? Well, it still all works down there, I'm just in a wheelchair. Special interest in double date for my retarded friend. Rugged. Starship. Captain. Looking for. Green-skinned. Alien. Woman. M&M sized Snickers Bar seeks Life-Saver so I can melt in your mouth. Red Baron seeking Snoopy. I'll get you Snoopy, if it's the last thing I do! Easygoing and unfussy male seeks anyone. Or not; it's all good. Flamingo seeks stork for leg entwining entertainment. |
I'm a great listener and my dick smells like chocolate. Call me! - Your new husband Zoophile looking for animalistic pleasures with a sexy bitch. Will settle for cow. Crafty gay butcher has accommodating meat-locker, seeks man/men with salami in need of hiding. Hungry cannibal seeks willing victim for brief relationship to nourish more than just the soul. 10-year-old boy looking to meet paedophile for sexual liaisons. Please contact: Officer Broadbent - I mean, Little Timmy Jones. Yup, that's me. Recent divorcee seeks single blonde, 33 years 8 days. Must be 5 foot eleven inches, with small birth mark on left buttock and own my own home. Tired mother of five seeking stranger to alleviate some of the pressures of parenthood. Convictions for child murder a bonus. Nobody's perfect. I'll over-look the birthmark on your shoulder if you look the other way about my previous GBH convictions. 99 year old Transhuman just wants somebody who sees the world the same way I do - through bionic eyes. Old bike for sale. 2nd Hand. Hasn't been ridden in years but still goes. Seat is a little worn. Evil genius requires woman. I'm not fussy when it comes to physical appearance but the brain must be intact! Fat ugly realist seeks lady with similarly low expectations. |
Professional puppeteer, 40. Just wants some guilt-free sex with no strings attached. Voluptuous amputee woman (84) seeks blind man. Nagging housewife seeks husband. Please get milk on the way home. Foot fetishist seeks woman with feet. If you have one or more, and don't mind edible socks, it's your lucky day! Former clergy man (55) seeks short-haired petite younger lady with small chest who's good with candles. Can supply altar boy vestments. Classic Car enthusiast seeks beautiful heiress with Bentley Speed Six in need of restoration. Has own socket set and can travel. Please enclose photo of Bentley. Gender indifferent. Blow me. The National Lottery: You have to be in it to win it. Maybe I'm an Adonis. Maybe I just need you to send me £1. There's only one way to find out. Surrealist seeks fish. Wiki-creating entrepreneur looking for female with law degree. Definitely no Swedish girls to apply! Suspiciously hot female - 27, great tits - looking for love. Has a hell of a big surprise for one lucky man! Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inertia and self pity, seeks sexy, independently wealthy Playboy Bunny to share the good times. - Your Dad |
37 year old virgin WLTM woman unfussy enough to ignore ham-fisted fumbling for the rewarding pleasure of curing his social problems. Sensitive death row inmate seeks life partner. Pretty Jewish female (32) seeks goy - must be willing to convert. My least favorite animal is the otter. Wanna know why? Of course you do. I strongly dislike the otter because it's so playful and fun. Well, I have a news flash for the otter. Life isn't a game! Why doesn't the otter get a real job? Look at his cousin, the beaver. He builds dams for a living. He's butt ugly, and life just doesn't hand him fulfillment, he has to work at it. So to you, Mr. Otter, I say that you should be more like the beaver, you jerk. If you like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain. If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me and escape. - Mrs Rupert Holmes Unrealistic dreamer seeks Scarlett Johansson. I like my man like I like my coffee. Liquefied in a big mug. Discerning Klanswoman seeks tall, dark and handsome stranger. Just not too dark. Lost Doberman Pincher looking for past owners, or alternatively a good time. Either way, bring condoms. Writer seeks life outside this wiki. |
 Cream of the CrapThis article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2011.
|
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
|
Featured version: 26 January 2011 |
| This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. | |