Kolchak: The Night Stalker

Karol Kolchak ("Carl" to the yanks) is, contrary to popular belief, not some dirty old man who stalks women in the dead of night, but a (literally) dirty old newspaper reporter who just happens to be the most annoying newspaper reporter ever. What do you expect from the "Independant News Service"?

Career at INS

Kolchak is one of the few reporters, along with The gay guy, the fat old lady, and the huge, irritable boss at the Independant News Service. He is also the best which isn't saying much at all really. This is proven by the fact that he gets all the good stories, although he frequently shuns these good stories to go search for some random monster, much to the chagrin of his boss Tony Soprano, who fires him often. Strangely enough though, he always comes in whistling at 4:00 in the morning, throws his hat at nothing in particular and types up the same damn story every day, perhaps because his adventures are just that monotonous, perhaps because he's just a senile old man, or perhaps because the noise of him chewing his Kellogs Raisin Bran Crunch blocked out the insane yelling of his boss firing him. Whatever the reason, about one minute after he begins typing, things just seem to freeze up around him, maybe to create dramatic effect, maybe because he's on too much medication.

Upon starting the day like this, Kolchak would proceed to receive his assignment from Tony, only to shirk it later for some story about voodoo or something.

Kolchak would end the day on a relative high note, facing down the said monster and killing it in a suspenseful span of about 4 minutes. Later depressedly talking of this and how the monster melted or something before returning to INS and keeping the non-report to himself.

Every night Kolchak would face off with a monster, usually coming home unharmed but covered in some dirt or sticky substance. The monster would at most times would totally melt or disintegrate, providing a credible alibi as to why Kolchak never has evidence of any conflict after the fact, and why Kolchak never mentions weekly "encounters" again (They all become a repetitive blur after a while, once you've done one, you've done 'em all... monsters of the week that is). This is, confidentially due to "The Division" controls installed for instant cover-up purposes. Kolchak currently has an "encounter" at least once every week. Now at age 86, it's a wonder how Kolchak still survives!

As stated before, Kolchak's main weapon of information, like others use blackmail or sneaky tricks, is annoyance. Kolchak, upon being refused frequently asks again in an increasingly whiny manner, until finally walking away and doing whatever he wants to do anyway.

Transcribed here is a common discussion between Kolchak and his boss Tony somebody;

• Kolchak: Hello Tony!
• Tony: Kolchak! I'm very busy, what did you want to see me about?
• Kolchak: Oh, Tony I was just wondering if you knew anything about basilisks?
• Tony: Karol, what do Basilisks have to do with that produce article I had you write?
• Kolchak: Well Tony, you see a basilisk is-
• Tony: Never mind, I don't wanna-
• Kolchak: Now-now-now Tony, I think you might want to hear about this, you see it is said that basilisks-
• Tony:KOLCHAK! You are a good reporter, I don't know why you insist on taking these dumb cases?
• Kolchak: Hold that thought Tony, I just remembered something (Kolchak turns to leave)
• Tony: Kolchak, where are you going?
• Kolchak: I'm going to get a garbage bag and about 200 plastic toothpicks!
• Tony: BWhat??
• Kolchak: Nevermind Tony, you wouldn't understand.
• Tony: Kolchak! You're fired!
• Kolchak: (walks out the door pretending he doesn't hear this)

(Kolchak would, following this dismissal would again come in whistling at 4:00 in the morning, throw his hat at nothing in particular and type up some damn story that won't get printed because it's about monsters)

Monsters

Kolchak faced a monster just about every week, and despite nearly getting killed every time he went after one, he was always ready to go after another. That's dedication. Or, perhaps it stems from the fact that he figures no matter what case he gets assigned to, it will end up the same boring adventure.

Many have speculated why so many monsters make their home in Queens Chicago. Most of them say "just cause", although it has been speculated that Kolchak's poor choice of dress may have something to do with why mosters hate him, although the Chupacabra has often stated he likes the neighborhood.

Glorification

Although most of Kolchak's exploits are rather mediocre and repetitave, some schmuck up in Hollywood decided that he was worthy of his own television series. This lasted a grand total of twenty official episodes capturing the day to day adventures of the reporter, and was cancelled promptly.

Original Movies

The Night Stalker

In this scary T.V. movie we are introduced to stupid newspaper reporter Karol Kolchak who stupidly believes that there is a dirty old vampire stalking young women in the dead of night. Unfortunately, the Las Vegas press and police think he is stupid for saying that the vampire is dirty and old, seeming as how vampires never age, and leaving him to fight the night stalker for himself. In the end, the police find out that the vampire was not really a vampire, but a man living an "alternative lifestyle" and arrest Kolchak for being stupid.

The Night Strangler

In this scary T.V. movie we are reintroduced to stupid newspaper reporter Karol Kolchak who stupidly believes that there is a dirty old alchemist stalking young women in the dead of night and maybe strangling them. This time he is run down by a mob of anime fans but the police don't seem to mind this time so Kolchak is not as ridiculed this time when he swears to hunt down the man responsible. As it turns out, when Kolchak replaced the alchemist's life-extending-serum with sody-pop, he rapidly aged and turned to dust. This time Kolchak is not wanted for murder but people still think he is stupid and he, along with his friend-for-life Tony Montana are fired from a good newspaper publication and left to start their own newspaper. They end up having to work for a high-school journalism class, but hey, at least they saved one hooker from getting strangled! (waka-chica-waca-chica)

Television Episodes

These not-so-scary television episodes detail the life of CARL Kolchak, Carl also faces monsters-of-the-week, but he faces these in the modest slums of Chicago as opposed to the expensive slums of Los Angeles. Also, his boss, Tony Soprano, hates him. Other than that, the plot is EXACTLY the same (exactly meaning "the above T.V. movies still apply")

• JACK THE RIPPER! (there, I just explained the entire episode)

Lots of hookers get killed. Of course Kolchak thinks that because they are hookers, and because they never caught Jack the Ripper, that Jack the Ripper is behind the killings. Strangely, he's right, but he's chewed-out and fired anyway because the Ripper turned into dust after Kolchak killed it or something.

• The Zombie

Kolchak matches wits with a single zombie. Instead of just shooting it like any other respectable human being would do, he is denied a gun by the public safety department of Chicago, forcing him to invoke bizarre and overly-complex Haitian rituals to try to kill it.

• Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Momentarily running out of budget after constructing a flying saucer prop, Kolchak's producers force him to fight an invisible monster.

• Another Vampire

Kolchak goes up against another vampire, this episode is basically the same as T.V. movie one, except for the fact that this one sucks.

• This Time it's a Werewolf

Kolchak fights the corrupt captain of The Love Boat, fighting for his fellow passengers' rights for a clean trip and untainted food. Unfortunately for him there is also a werewolf on board, which the reporter doe not care as much about.

• Thunderball
• John Kerry

When John Kerry tries to use his connections straight to hell to win the White House, it's up to Carl Kolchak to fix the election! As it turns out Kerry really wasn't communing with the devil and Kolchak is fired for putting Bush back in office.

• Good Medicine, Bad Immortal, Evil Shaman
• The Mexican Weed Murders

When several dead bodies are found covered in Mexican weed, Kolchak ventures through the sewers with a sharp stick looking to kill the "plant beast", he does this for 10 hours until it becomes apparent that there just isn't a monster this time. Unfortunately, the dealers do reside in the sewers, and after Kolchak emerges he fails his drug test and is promptly fired.

• ANOTHER F@#$IN' INVISIBLE MONSTER!
• Horror in Da' Hood

This episode takes place in the projects filled with krunk ghetto Jewish. But enough on that, the monster this time is a Hindu demon that takes on the form of a persons most beloved person. Fortunately for Kolchak, he is so jaded from being chewed out by this point that the only thing that provokes anything close to positive emotion in him is his grandma, who he hasn't seen for years. This time, Kolchak is fired for being such a homocidal sleaze. (by the end, the demon is still roaming free)

• A R.O.B.O.T.

In this episode, Kolchak is faced by a government robot, they tried to make this episode "innovative" and "unique" by making the monster of the week kinda sorta sympathetic. It doesn't work.

• Primitive Shriek

Kolchak tracks down a bunch of monkeys after they escape from the zoo, frantically trying to convince his peers there is something supernatural afoot.

• The Chevy Collection
• DON'T GET TOO DEE CHOPPUH!

The street is haunted by a ghost who died while trying to ride a motorcycle wearing a cheap "headless" prosthetic, now he haunts those responsible for his death, Kolchak's producers!

• demon in Lingerie (w00+!)
• Legacy of Error

Kolchak fights a shunned bride before she kills her former boss and his employees.

• The Knight Stalker

When an old museum is to be converted into a gay disco, the suit of knight-type armor in the museum comes alive to kill the ones who wish to convert the museum adhereing to the curse that whosoever brings gaiety in the museum, must be killed... or something. Now, with the help of Batman, Kolchak must find and destroy the suit. Unfortunately, Batman finds out early in the episode that Kolchak is stupid, leaving Kolchak to go it alone, he must use a gigantic Holy-type battleaxe to kill the knight spirit inside, by lightly tapping it once. However, in doing so, he demolishes every priceless artifact in the museum (excluding the armor) getting him fired... and incarcerated (Note: this is the only episode where Kolchak stalks night, or rather, a knight)

• The Youth Killer
• The Lizard Monster

The producers decide to go out with a BANG by having a nondescript lizard-monster as the season finale. (Oh BTW, it also hates light.)

The Rip-Off

ABC once made a rip-off of this series, ironically, it neither starred Karl Kolchak or Karol Kolchak, but instead featured the next prime-time hot-T as the star. This series was even shorter than the first one, which only lasted one season, but enough about that... In fact, enough about the whole damn thing, it wasn't that good in the first place...