Kilkeel

Kilkeel

aka Black Hole
what Kilkeel people like
GENERAL INFORMATION
anthem	"Don't cha(wish ya girlfriend was ya sister)"
currency	fish
smells of	Kippers
GEOGRAPHY
country	Éire 32
DEMOGRAPHICS
languages / dialects	herrin gutter

Kilkeel is a small town in County Down, Ireland. It is also referred by some as “a black hole”, the meaning being derived from “protestant bastards” Kilkeel is divided strongly between two separate communities – those who know how to gut herons and those who do not. The people who do not are likely to die before adolescence. Kilkeel is a massive tourist attraction, especially on the 12th of July when various bible reading protestants are nailed to wooden crosses and stoned alive by good olde fashion pagans. In recent years, this event has been criticised by local politicians, saying that it is “simply not violent enough and should not be confined to one day per year” The “game” goes in this tradition –

• Stage one – nailed to the cross
• Stage two – pebbles and Gaelic footballs are fired at targets from the crowd
• Stage three – the town mayor urinates on each individual while bricks are fired from the church tower on Newry Street
• Stage four – huge granite blocks are dropped on the “black witches” from a height of 10 feet
• Stage five – the candidates are checked for a pulse and “arse to mouth resuscitation” is performed by the town mayor – if they are deceased by this point, they were actually witches and the whole torture themed day was well worth it.

Senior members of the IRA are the special guests at the event including Ian Paisley, whom has now came out of the IRA gun closet and sponsors the event in return for some dissident shaft sucking behind the DUP advice centre. TV presenter Eamon Holmes, who regularly anchors the function, said “it’s a good way to show both communities coming together and participating in traditional fun and games.” When asked by local journalist Jesus Black if he thought the games were ever so slightly one sided, Eamon replied “piss off you fucking killjoy” and was then seen running into the harbour, falling into old habits of whale killing.

Religious Beliefs

Kilkeel is a mainly pagan town. Local pagan gathering sites include, any church lawn and that GIANT FLAMING WICKERMAN you should see upon entering the town. Pagan festivals involve the 'Night of Plastering' in which many of the local populace drink themselves to death. This festival can be observed most nights. It is advised not to place yourself too close to the the inhabitants of Kilkeel. They may appear to be the usual pedestrian at a glance, but careful observation will show that they will f**k anything, including you, your family and your family's sheep. Aside from the child-sacraficing-pagans, there is a very small minority of Catholic and Protestant Christians. Many of whom have ditched the traditional Christian view of believing in a God, in order to shag as many of the farmyard cattle in the area as they like without suffering the consequences.

Archways

This huge nightclub is renowned for it’s tacky pints of Guinness and Smithwicks which itself tastes like Sleour with the town mayor Bobby Wobbles’ urine injected within. Many celebrities have been seen relaxing in The Archways, with such favourites as Mickey Cole, May Mc Fetrech, famous world renowned DJ Francy “tunes on fire” C and “that bloke who sings the same song every week on karaoke”.Damian "Daj" Young has been seen in the Archways various times offering his knowledge and wisdom to younger generations. He has recently learned to spell such words as "and" "the" and "did"....who knows next could be his name. other such guests has included such characters like the robot out of star wars(R2D2) aka Conor Quinn. People who have lost the will to live often attend the Archways as a healer. When they leave the place, they then realise how lucky they are to live in their small dingy council house flats.

The Archways was opened by Mr T, who was on leave from The A Team on the first of April in 66 BC. Instead of cutting the ribbon with a pair of small scissors, Mr T insisted in using a hacksaw which he repeatedly clouted the ribbon violently with until it de-materialised while screaming “Mother fucking Archways shit, fucking place smells of Lithos” or something to that effect. Present also was a downs syndrome fat kid with a veruca called “Lou” whom it was opened in his name. It then later emerged Lou was not in fact disabled and had not had a veruca which caused outrage among kilkeelians (or black huns as they are more commonly referred to) Fortunately, 3 hours later the town’s people started laughing over the whole situation uncontrollably for approximately 7 weeks and eventually the whole thing was made into a sketch on a mini series for BBC called “Lou and Andy – Little Britain, big Ireland” The show proved to be a huge success for the BBC for almost 40 seconds.

Bay of Bengal

The bay of death is the pet name which the locals affectionately call the Indian slash arse burning, throat stripping, stomach gargling takeaway, or carryout as the Nazi’s call it. Their special “mutton vindaloo” is the planet’s only Indian restaurant to use gunpowder in the making, purchased from the IRA in the local DUP advice centre. In a statement from Gerry Adams, he had this to say “yes, we do supply gunpowder for the golly-wogs down there at the Bay of death and who do ye call him…eh…Apu Apu the second comes down and collects of Martin every night at 8 o’clock” When asked why he, the leader of the IRA was hiding in a DUP advice centre, he replied “it’s the last place them fuckin gypsy bible bashing bastards would think te look”

The "Holla"

The minority of protestant freedom fighters can often seek refuge in their hideout of the "holla". This can be found behind the post office. If you enter this strange hideout you may be able to spot that there is an established hierarchy of power. Head of "The Holla" can often be found and goes by the codename of "Sticks". If a big bald man in a green car is staring at you, you may as well run. He may look disabled, and even act it, but he's covering up for the UDA's "Master Plan". But don't worry, its not all big bald men, there are also aids infested whores (more than 90% of Eastern European origin) in cars who are down for all your sexual pleasures for the promise of two quid or a bag of Doritos. But don't get to close, they're incredibly dangerous and may eat you. Finally there is the lowest tier of the holla, they range from the age of 8 - 12 and can be seen drinking "down the Walkway lah". These people are armed, possibly dangerous, possibly pregnant, definitely have a cock in their ass or in most cases, all of the above

Trivia

• Kilkeel was voted “best inbred fishing town 2007” This was inevitable though, as other contenders in the category were not found

• Kilkeel is notable for many inventions such as the phrase “heron gutter” late night bingo, the butt plug and wisdom teeth

• The name Kilkeel comes from the art of killing catholics – you kill them, they then keel over. If spelt backwards it makes references to a sexual term used by practically everyone in the province – though the details are kept secret.

• Kilkeel once fell into the sea during the summer of 1972 but was quickly rescued by Dolphins and members of the IRA.