HowTo:Build a bomb (hypothetically)
|
HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
So, you want to (hypothetically) build a (hypothetical) bomb, because you might have some (hypothetical) problems with your (hypothetical) boss, neighbour, clerk at McDonald's, annoying brother/sister, parents, in-laws, teachers (I am only hypothetically teaching young children how to make "presents" for their teachers), or country. Then this is (hypothetically) the article to teach you how to make a (hypothetical) improvised explosive device!
Steps
- To start off, (hypothetically) mix all the household chemicals you can find in a big (hypothetical) container. If the mixture is bubbling or releasing noxious fumes (hypothetically) it is usually a good sign (or bad, for your [hypothetical] victims). What chemicals make this dangerous looking concoction? How the hell should I know! I'm not a chemist! (Not even hypothetically.)
- Okay, so once you have your chemicals mixed and releasing toxic fumes (hypothetically, you should have put on a gas mask or something, otherwise you would hypothetically be melting your lungs by now), you should pour the (hypothetical) chemicals into a container (hypothetically, a coffee can would make the deadliest shrapnel).
- Now put a lid on the (hypothetical) container and insert a (hypothetical) fuse. From my (hypothetical) experience, I can (hypothetically) suggest that you use twine soaked in rum (ever seen Pirates of The Caribbean? It works a lot like that).
Your Big Day! (Hypothetically Blowing Your Hypothetical Victim into a Million Hypothetical Pieces)[edit]
On the day of the (hypothetical) bombing, you would (hypothetically) prepare for your big day by drinking Red Bull, watching 300 and Diehard back to back, and playing Mercenaries while shoveling Warheads and Pop Rocks into your mouth (hypothetically). For the actual (hypothetical) bombing (which I can't describe from experience), I recommend the 'whoopie cushion approach'. This (hypothetically) entails hiding the (hypothetical) bomb under the target's couch and lighting it. But then, instead of a pseudo-flatulence noise, a (hypothetically) powerful explosion will spray your (hypothetical) target all over the walls. I would recommend running now, because the (not so hypothetical) police probably heard the explosion.