HowTo:Write a hit single

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Do you wish to become a multimillionaire? Countless bank robberies not working out for you? Not prestigious enough to conduct a grand scheme that will put all of your employees' hard-earned cash into your greedy hands? Haven't been lucky with the slot machines? Don't worry, there's always another way for you to meet all of your capitalistic desires. Of course, I am talking about writing the latest hit single.

Why write a hit single?[edit]

1. Anyone can do it these days, assuming they are a human being, or at least a carbon-based life form of some degree.

2. It's easy as hell. I mean, look at Soulja Boy. His single was made with the demo version of FL Studio. Really, look it up.

3. You're reading Uncyclopedia, so you probably have too much free time anyway.

4. Why not?

Lyrical content[edit]

The most important rule when writing lyrics for your single is: never write anything that anyone would consider to be even remotely meaningful. Let us once again use Soulja Boy's single, "Crank That Soulja Boy," as an example. With lines such as "I got me some Bathin' Apes" and "They be lookin' at my neck / Sayin' it's the Rubberband Man, man," this song is filled with meaningless lyrical garbage, bolstered by the 32-time use of the phrase "Now watch me you (Crank dat, Soulja Boy)."

Feel free to include several references to sex, even though your primary audience will be impressionable twelve-year-old girls.


This stage can be done like Miley Cyrus without the slightest hint of musical talent. Find, or develop yourself, whichever involves less work, the most annoying hip hop beat that you can. Loop this over and over throughout your song. Add a bass line that you found on GarageBand, and loop this repeatedly as well.

Next, spend God knows how much money to gain access to a recording studio so you can rap to the beat and bassline that you have created and hear it in decent quality. If you don't know how to rap, you can always hire someone else to do this for you. Guitars, keyboards, and other real instruments are not necessary, and are usually not recommended. Listen to your song a couple of times to make sure it's ready for release.

Making a music video[edit]

Spend tons of money on a camera crew and makeup artists. Your video should feature you lip syncing to your song and looking badass. Plastic surgery may be necessary for this last part.

Releasing and promoting your single[edit]

In this step, it is preferable to have a family member as the head of a major record company. If this is not the case, find the current head of the company and hold him or her at gunpoint until they agree, in writing, to sign you. You may carry a feeling of guilt after doing this, but trust me, the money will be worth it. When you are signed to your desired record company, present them with your single and have it released. It is essential that the music video of your single is frequently played on MTV. If you cannot get MTV to play your video, use a similar approach with the head of MTV to the one that you used with the head of the record company.

Who will buy your single?[edit]

Everyone who wants to be popular with their friends and not using LimeWire.

Who will actually like your single[edit]



You may now consider yourself rich and famous! Repeat this process as often as you like for even more cash, or whenever you get bored.