HowTo:Travel in Japan

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
A typical greeting to make you feel at home.

Traveling in Japan is a huge undertaking, as the empire spans from Taiwan to Sakhalin and stretches about 145 miles - a huge distance - from coast to coast. Japan is famous for either being the most hated nation on Earth or the most loved nation on the Internet but not both. Japan has a long and brutal history of waging peace and tranquility on the world, about 70 years to be exact. The previous two thousand years of its sad existence were spent being an impoverished Schizophrenic weirdo, an isolated loner, a raging mass murderer, and most recently, an international celebrity who is actually a huge dick and a sellout but everyone seems to love it anyway or at least relish the chance to prove they are smarter than everybody.

This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Also important to note that Japan doesn't really appreciate you wanting to date every Asian girl you see as this little girl is demonstrating on behalf of 127 million people. Japanese people generally prefer to date other Japanese people but if you are a handsome blond about 20-30 years of age they might give you a chance. Any westerners that dress like this racist loser are kidding themselves if they think they will ever get laid in the first place.


What is great about Japan?[edit]

Japan is great because there is a lot of anime and tasty sushi; there is no way that this mighty 70,000 year old superpower hasn't been misrepresented by Hollywood; everyone practices martial arts and wants to take over the world. Japan is a nation of child porn, which is actually against the law there, sexy girls who are totally not going to be creeped out by old white men following them around, and sushi which actually died out as a fad in Japan along with the samurai centuries ago. Japan is great because Hollywood said so, Japan is great even as it secretly plots to take over the world by provoking a nuclear war between China, Russia, and America so that it can fill the vacuum. Japan is great because you can draw pictures of little girls and hurl anti-Chinese slurs in the streets of Tokyo than get beaten up by crazy men with extensive tattoos because nobody can understand a word of English and thus they assume you are being racist towards them. Luckily most Japanese people are quite docile but you do not want to anger the Yakuza because they make the Mafia look like idiotic schoolboys in comparison.


The truth about Japan[edit]

Japan doesn't really care whether or not you worship it as God or hate its cursed soul to Hell and back, Japan just wants your money and maybe your soul if its feeling really hungry. Japan is a kind-hearted and responsible member of the international community even as it secretly tortures Korean prisoners in Hokkaido and attaches nuclear bombs to the underbellies of dolphins swimming toward China. Japan certainly acts mature for its age if you look at some of the things it says to its neighbors and some of the stuff it does overseas. For a seventy thousand year old empire, it sure acts like a self-centered, psychopathic toddler. One example includes Japan calling China the Voldemort of East Asia apparently forgetting that it brutally massacred 30 million people in 15 years. Japan might give you a hug if its feeling kind but is just as likely to sic a robotic velociraptor on you for its cruel amusement. Don't be fooled by that sweet smile, it secretly hates your guts and all of humankind with the strange acceptation of France, it loves France to the point of carving love poems in its chopsticks and making out with a baguette - not creepy or anything that's for sure. Japan acts like a waitress in a restaurant, sweet and friendly on the outside but inside its all a sham. Japan is also a world-class coward, it wouldn't even drop a bomb on ISIS even though it was supposedly rebuilding its military to counter China. The only really redeemable aspect of Japan is that it seems to appreciate - with a bit of confusion admittedly - the fact that many countries want to copy its culture (just so along as its not Korea). Japan's steely heart can be softened from time to time though, it will swoon over drawings of little blond babies - absolutely no fetish for white people here - on the internet and will like any other nation cry like a baby if a cute baby seal gets clubbed in the head by Canada, sometimes while doing the exact thing to a whale.

Japanese people[edit]

It is not proper to make generalizations or jokes about another culture contrary to what some less than intelligent people in North America think. Of course one can't deny that Japanese people are hilariously obsessed with American culture to the point that they even dress up as white people for fun. Only an asshole of a idiotic Anglo-Saxon could call that clever satire racist; the sort of dumb white men that think they are victimized by their history and privilege.


Japanese people are VERY easy to generalize despite there being 125 million individual human beings with their own thoughts, beliefs, wants desires & interests. It is clear that they are (not) all the same; black hair, (also brown, ginger, and apparently even blond hair), very thin (some are actually quite squishy but if you see a Japanese person do not poke their tummy please it is just weird and don't deny that you want to do it), and speak Italian. Japanese people obviously LOVE anime even with the annual flood of Pikachu-obsessed losers from Canada hitting on every Asian person they meet. Japanese people also appreciate being told that they are murdering imperialists, go on you are not going to hurt feelings by slamming that sweet old Oba-chan for Pearl Harbor, or flipping off that friendly young man from Osaka because of Nanjing.


He's just crying because the wasabi was too hot for his strange tastebuds and not because you told him he was a monster and a rapist and an utterly terrible human being. He might have bought a very expensive lunch for a homeless man he met in New York, gave a cancer-stricken little girl the birthday party of her life, and given lots of hugs and unconditional love and support to the children at the local orphanage but he is still a terrible person because of what his grandfather did to some Chinese people.

Why Japan hates you[edit]

"Okay, we might be secretly planning to take over the world and filling our tummies with dolphin meat just to piss you off, but that is no exscuse to write such terribly disturbing fanfiction about people you don't even know! And what is wrong with those assholes that keep sending the earthquake victims pictures of Pikachu? Most of us have never even heard of Pokemon for Buddha's sake!" ~ Japanese people on internet creeps

Japan has an image to keep even as it routinely slashes that image into a billion pieces every time its boss opens his mouth. Japan is not impressed by your super-creepy fanfiction where you make every Japanese woman pregnant than go into a long rant on why Japanese people are the Master Race. Japan is certainly not too impressed that of all the things you could honor it for, you mentioned anime which is literally just Japanese slang for an animated cartoon. Japan also doesn't find it that funny when you engage in long flame wars on YouTube justifying its war crimes and saying that the Koreans must have somehow deserved it. Japan might be a psychotic island but it knows when its being made a fool of. Japan certainly didn't think it was cute when after the earthquake in Fukushima you drew a picture of Pikachu crying by a ripped-up Japanese flag in a pool of blood. Japan might be a ruthless mistress but it still has compassion and you certainly showed respect for the innocent Japanese people who lost their homes and loved ones by drawing a picture of a fictional character. Japan's blood boils every time a weaboo goes into a long speech on Japanese culture.