HowTo:Throw your toys out of the pram
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Being young is never easy. I know, you're going to patronise me and say we've all been there sunshine but look, I am child. I can barely move my arms and legs about and I have yet to start walking, let alone talking. So how will gain your attention? I said, HOW WILL I GAIN YOUR ATTENTION!! I know to you that will sound like GOGOGOGOGGRR WHOAH WHOAH but this will be a cry from my tiny, beating heart. So put the phone down, you can send all those filthy selfies to your partner later. I am talking about drastic action!! DRASTIC!!! I am going throw my toys out of the pram!!! Watch me!!! WHEEEEE....off they go!! I can't talk in your language but you will get the message soon enough!!!
Manifesto for Action
Throwing your toys out a pram is more than just an ordinary temper tantrum. That is often held only at home with an audience of one or two parents. May be more if it is your birthday. However, the escalation to the physical with throwing toys out of your pram will get EVERYONE's attention. It is like a performative action. You are adding the bawling out with decibels to physically chucking anything that comes to hand in a pram. Not just stupid toys and things that make noises but you can also heave out the weekend shopping whilst your parents are pushing you around a supermarket.
Choosing your moment
I mentioned a supermarket as I have researched this with my fellow pram prisoners. We all agreed. The best time for an explosive display of justified anger with your biological or adopted guardians is in a busy place. Malls are always a good place to start. The number of times I have bawled and thrown out of my pram all manner of useless things. As we all say as children, a pram is your private place. You're not a shopping trolley!
Throwing your toys out in one dramatic show should be enough to shame those who are supposed to be looking after you. They should know you're deeply upset. As a prisoner of a pram, you are not at liberty to ask to go somewhere different rather than going to the sodding shops again!!
Best things to turn into projectiles
According to American gangster Baby Face Nelson, a child of six months can protect itself with a lethal weapon. A pram is an excellent platform for an assault to emphasise your rights as a baby. But we know that at least in the USA some Americans states don't encourage children to be carrying guns until they're at least five years old.
So if you're a baby in a state that bans you from owning a gun, these are some of the toys that will work when throwing them out:
- Barbie doll
- Captain America
- Jack Daniels
- That rattling thing your folks think is funny but drives you nuts
Throwing toys out other children's prams
One of the few bonuses of being a young child is that you're below the age of criminal intent. In the European countries they normally still consider you a child until 21. Luckily, in places like USA and Saudi Arabia, the age you can get a fine or imprisonment for causing a ruckus is a lot lower. In Alabama this age is known as the Roy Moore limit.
So to get another kid into trouble. Check to see if their parents start talking to your parents. This will get them all distracted. Steal a toy off that brat in the pram next to yours. The kid will start screaming and before you know it, they will start throwing their toys out. With any luck, you will be able to sell them on eBay when you apply for an account.
As I said, throwing toys out of your pram is something to use like a nuclear weapon. If you're folks are smart, they will give in to your demands. Otherwise, it will be 'chucking out time'.