HowTo:Start a revolution

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Maybe you are a power-hungry sociopath who has no other goal in life other than leading a country with an iron fist. Or possibly, you are just tired of going to the bathroom in a hole in the floor. Whatever the reason, read Animal Farm. Those pigs are jerks, aren't they? Good, you get to be one.

Establish an Enemy[edit]

This guy knows what the he's doing
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The first thing every great revolutionary needs, whether it be George Washington or Adolf Hitler, is an enemy. If you are in a country during the late 1800’s, consider colonialism, but for you more modern revolutionaries, consider American imperialists. However, your options are not limited to that. Consider whatever leader has been in control of the government for the last 3 weeks, which may happen to be a national record for longest term in office. No body wants some stuffy old politician in office for too long, so by getting rid of him you are actually helping your country. But always remember, when in doubt, blame the Jews.

“What if my country of one-dollar-a-week families and AIDS orphans doesn’t have any Jews?”


Lesson two, don't let anyone give you crap.

Establish a clever slogan[edit]

Once you have an enemy you need a slogan to drive the masses because without a good slogan your revolution will get about as far as the Bay of Pigs invasion. The Americans had "No Taxation without representation," the Central Americans had "Viva La Revolution" and the British had, oh wait, they still have a monarchy. Just remember, the working class is the key to a successful revolution and build your slogan around that. The working class has nothing to lose and if you convince them that they will win something if the revolution is successful, they will mindlessly fight for you.

Possible Slogans[edit]

Here is a compiled list of slogans and reasons why they work underneath them:

You need to plaster the goods like this everywhere

Workers Unite!

This of course instills false hope in the lower classes and makes them think they are more than the scum of the earth. You know better of course, and as the saying goes, "Once a working class, always a working class!"

Free Sex for all!

There is really no explanation needed, everyone wants sex and if you make them think you want them to have sex, well who can refuse? Prudes and Jews, thats who. Well they are idiots, kill them.

The current leader killed your grandma!

Now unless you are a brain-dead working class monkey, I am pretty sure you realized two things about that statement. 1. Replace "The current leader" with his name and 2. He probably didn't kill your grandmother. But the fun part about slogans like this is if you say it enough people are bound to believe it is true.

Time to Get into Power[edit]

After you put your slogan of choice on a poster underneath a drawing of you gloriously looking towards a brighter future, you need to take advantage of the support you've drawn. Create an army of people with pitchforks and storm the gates of the fascist regimes headquarters! If it is unsuccessful and two or three people are killed, call it a massacre and rally more support around it. (See Boston Massacre) You will almost undoubtedly double your support with clever tactics like that.

If the government is dug in deep and it doesn't look like your army of clueless working class twits will be able to overthrow such a government, you have three options.

1. Steal your supporters money in the name of the revolution and buy a mercenary army.

Con: Mercenaries cost money

Pro: No one cares if they die, just like the working class

2. Starve the bastards out.

The leaders have to leave their palace sometime, unless they were smart enough to stock up food. The chances of that are pretty small however, because you are probably the only person in your country smarter than an ape.

3. Claim to be in the name of Democracy and get America to intervene.

Everyone knows America will go crazy and blow the crap out of the opposing side if anyone goes in the name of democracy. Take advantage of that, go ahead, be a jerk. Once they realize you really not going in the name of democracy, they will be too embarrassed to intervene again.

Once in power[edit]

Congratulations! You now have your very own government. Feel free to break any promises you made as a revolutionary, they mean nothing now. Also, feel free to create income taxes of 130% and kill anyone who disagrees with you. You can do anything. You are in power.