HowTo:Stand Out in Class
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High School. The adolescent's last and final frontier. A boiling chamber pot of peer pressure, where non-conformity is just as much the norm as conformity is. Every day, tens of thousands of millions of teens go to school, all trying desperately to be an individual and yet still fit in with everyone else around them. This guide, however, is not for them. This guide is for the radicals, the hard-liners who do not care about social niceties, hygiene, public safety or even their life, or what is left of it. This guide will show you how to be unique. Stand out. Truly separate yourself from the herd.
Step 1:Realizing you're (almost) a completely hopeless loser
Maybe you're the creepy kid who picks his nose and sticks the boogers under his desk. Maybe you're the misunderstood chick who writes poems at lunch about setting the school on fire with everyone still locked inside. Or maybe you're just the guy who absolutely no one seems to notice. The one kid who everyone refers to as "that one kid" or "whats-his-face". Whatever you're situation may be, one thing is certain. You’re a complete failure and a disgrace to everyone who has ever known you.
Have no fear though. You can change everything by following this handy guide. By admitting you're a total loser in the eyes of every other kid in your school, you've already taken the first step to individuality.
Step 2: Creating your new image
You may think that creating a new you would be a very complex and time involved process. After all, you are the kid who threw that Babylon 5 birthday party that no one showed up to last year. Not even your own mother. Fortunately the process to creating a new you has been refined and perfected over the years and is broken down into four simple steps.
Erase all memory of your old ways Like in the film where that guy (his name isn't important) decides his life is shit (just like you have done) and makes a new look. However, his plan is foiled in some shit plot hole and he decides that being a loser is more important than fucking the head cheerleader. Lets get real. This is the real world and you want to change. So here is a list of treasures from your old life that must be burned!
- Depressing T-shirts (you're normal now, remember?)
- World of Warcraft
- Weird Al Yankovich cds (though you may just want to hide these in your cupboard for when you're feeling non conformist)
- Your Spider Man costume
- Books on how to build model airplanes (you still haven't finished it)
- ALL depressing shit
- ALL Star Trek shit (yes, including all your VCRs and DVDs about it..)
Pick on weaker peeps Now this is a tough one. If you get this wrong there is no point in doing the above step. Think of your old self. You were "wet willied" and "dirty Sanchezed" by your fellow rats all attempting to rat their way up the rat ladder and challenge the head rat and his rat girl to a rat-off in a last rat standing battle of rattiness, to become the overlord of all the rats and have rat-minions! Its all about rats. [For all you idiotic people out there? this just means beat the crap out of someone. But make sure they're younger and weaker than you. Other wise it could all go SO wrong.
Make Everyone Feel Sorry for You If unnecessarily conforming to social norms doesn't do it for you, there is always another way to get noticed: make people feel sorry for you. Remember all those wet willies and dirty Sanchez’s we just spoke about? Well try to remember them more. A LOT more. Didn't they hurt your feelings and destroy your selfesteem? Didn't they make you feel isolated, alone, and picked on? Didn't they force you to consider taking action; like reporting it to a teacher, talking with the bully, or bringing in a 6.5 mm assault rifle?
Studies show that when kids assassinate their classmates, everyone feels sorry for being mean to them after. Furthermore, if they commit suicide after the act, feelings of guilt nearly double.
But wait - don't have access to a machete? There are many ways to gain the sympathy of your more popular classmates. For instance, you might:
- Wear a trench coat
- Sit in the corner and stare at their pathetic lives with contempt
- Tell everyone you still like Greenday
The list goes on! But the most important thing in making others feel sorry for you is this: Just be yourself!
Step 3: The Jackass Process
if all else fails a fundamental way of standing out in class is adopting the Jackass Process. Just a warning, the Jackass Process is a last resort and should only be used if everything else goes arse up.
This process is very simple and originated in ancient Roman times. The Romans discovered that people enjoyed watching other people getting brutally harmed or dismembered. The Romans exploited this revelation with the creation of the Gladiator. Flat out wankers with no future who would wrestle lions, stab one another, and get dragged around tied to horses. All this made the Gladiators celebrities of their time and even still, in present day. Proving that everyone loves a jackass.
In modern times the art of being a jackass has been perfected by many social groups who use it to elevate their social status on a dialy basis. Skater punks for instance, employ their own unique brand of jackassery by flinging themselves off the highest, tallest, pointiest things they can find. Jocks constantly pummel the weaker students in public displays of their jackassedness. The list goes on and on, but I think you get the point.
The simple fundamentals of this are easy. Imagine the most outlandish, stupid, and unnecessary thing in the world and do it smack bam in the middle of class. Ignore all pain, shame, or permanent scarring...it will all pay off in the end.
Step 4: Take Up Smoking
The final step in your transformation should be to start smoking. Some people want you to think that smoking is hazardous to your health and is, in fact, uncool. This is a load of horse shit. Smoking is the coolest thing an adolescent can possibly do. Imagine the look of amazement and admiration on your peers faces when you show up to school puffing on a
Marlboro. Still not convinced that smoking is cool? Do you think John Wayne, James Dean, Elvis, and that one rebel kid from the movie The Breakfast Club are uncool? Of course not. They are all the definition of cool. Why? Because they smoked. That's why.
Smoking for the sake of being cool takes some planning and practice though. Smoking alone does not automatically make just anybody seem cool. For starters, make sure your choice of cigarette is cool. For instance, those long ass 120's, really uncool. They look like your chewing on a straw. Which is in no way cool. Non filtered cigarettes are widely considered the coolest way to go.
The next step to remember is to perfect the cool smoker look. You have to appear to everyone else as if you don't really enjoy smoking. Or being wherever you are at that point in time. Or life itself for that matter. You should also use a Zippo lighter. Disposable lighters aren't nearly as cool. Finally, placing an unlit cigarette in your mouth in between smoking cigarettes really lets everyone know your cool.