HowTo:Spot a terrorist

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

There are several methods for recognizing terrorists. Terrorists can be any shape size or color. There have even been reports of terrorists ghosts (these reports usually smell like weed). Therefore, this How to refers to terrorists as "it"s because #1- Terrorists can appear male or female and #2 - Terrorists are not humans and have no souls. They are appendages of the devil (or the anti-pasta, if thats what you believe)

The Standard Method

1. Make it take its shoes off
2. See if it's wearing metal
3. If it is wearing metal, rubs its body until your sick pleasures are satisfied.
   
4. Take away its water and drinks. Terrorists need water every 20 minutes so this will kill it.
5. Use an X ray to look at its private area. Terrorists do not have genitals and they will stand out like a sore penis
6. Serve it foods with excessive amounts of potassium sulfate. If it dies, it was a terrorist.
7. Restrict its leg room. Terrorists are claustrophobic, as it reminds them too much of the egg they hatched from.

Note: the terrorist may spontaneously combust if it feels threatened during any of these procedures. If at any point rasslin' occurs, leave the area immediately.

Baiting Method

Go to a park, mall or other public area. Put a Jew below a cage suspended by a rope. Go ahead and call the cops, because this will take 10 minutes, tops. Wait until a terrorist walks by. It will charge the Jew in an attempt to rassle it. When it reaches the Jew, cut the rope. It may attempt to break the cage, or it may continue to rassle the Jew. In case of this, try to use someone that knows Jew Jitsu.

Note: This method is illegal in the U.K. and some U.S. states. Contact your congressman to see if this method is legal and whether or not it is frowned upon in your community.

Alternative: If no Jews are available, buy a senator (Exxon has spares and label him "Great Satan Senator".

Guantanamo Method

1. Catch it in its natural habitat, the Middle East.
   

   Many terrorists are whiners as well as Americides
2. Give it a really arabic name like Al Llama Mwahulajihad-Fatwa bin Ladin.
3. Sternly tell it that you will "get nasty" if it doesn't admit to being a terrorist.
4. Get frustrated and smack it.
5. Put it on national news with complaints about torture.
6. If the news doesn't work, send it on a talk show.

If it is a terrorist, it will break down on if put on national television. Most terrorists break down on Oprah. If it isn't a terrorist, they will call their laywer. If they do this, tell them you're very sorry and put them on Oprah one more time for good measure. If its a terrornoob (terrorists that have not yet terrorized), send it back to its home country with plenty of bomb materials.

The Fuse Method

Light its beard on fire. Back up approximately 30 feet (5000 metres). (Americans are more immune to explosions.) If it doesn't have a beard, light its hair. If its a terrorist it will chase you and explode. If its not a terrorist, they will chase you and beat you up. At this time it's recommended that you shoot it in self defense. If the body doesn't explode, send a ham to their family. If it does, shoot it again to make sure everyone knows you weren't on its side.

The American Method

If its brown, its a terrorist. get away from it immediatly or you will almost certainly be blown up. if you are 50 feet away when it blows up you might be hit by its leg.

Your friendly neighborhood anti-terrorism squad apprehending yet another arab guy.

Electrolysis Method

Put multiple suspects in a large chamber. The chamber should have two charged walls, positive and negative. Turn on the charge at about 50 kJ. The terrorists will run to the positive side and try to blow it up or rassle with it. The non terrorists will run to the negative wall in fear of a rasslin match. Set the negative side free and make sure track them and help reintigrate them into the wild. The terrorists may have successfully blown up the postive wall by now. If so, put out light amounts of potassium sulfate mixed with hummus. This will put them to sleep for about 4-7 hours.

Note: Terrorists have a negative charge because they have gold in their blood. This makes them in high demand on the black market. If you do not have hummus handy, throw bagels at them. They hate bagels.

Jack Bauer Method

Kill it. Its a terrorist.

Cannibal Method

Note: This section is present because many cannibals accidentally eat terrorists and die from food poisoning. DO NOT EAT TERRORISTS. TERRORISTS ARE NOT HUMAN AND CAN BE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. There are many ways to avoid eating terrorists:

• When cooking humans, they turn reddish brown during cooking. Terrorists turn yellow.
• Terrorists are harder to find pre-packaged.
• Terrorists won't make as much of a fuss about being eaten as humans. No one knows why, but here are some pre-cooking warning signs:
  • It challenges you to a rasslin match
  • It calls you "silly goose" or "great satan"
  • It suspiciously tells you to lighten up on the salt
  • It can't see you until you call its name. (Note: If you don't know its name, Al Machmoud ibn Allah Yassid will do)
  • It screams "Allah/ Leprechauns/ Cthulhu save me!"
• It makes a hissing noise when put in hot water
• Terrorists will shrivel up if too much salt is poured on them.
• If it tastes like "anger raping death", spit it out. You just ate Sulfuric acid. Note: This has nothing to do with terrorists, but it happens a lot.
• Terrorists, however, taste like "death crying in the shower."
• If it doesn't break a sweat until medium well, it might be a terrorist. However, it might just be a rock. Just to be safe, don't eat it.

Buracracy Method

When people are filling out forms, add a box asking "Are you now or have you ever been a terrorist?" Terrorists will check this box, as they can't stand lying.

"Rules of Thumb" Method

Rules of Thumb -Note: These may not always work. These are not grounds to call the FBI, but handy references on descisions on whether to skip your flight.

• If you can see the outline of a bomb on its shirt
• If its carrying three or more firearms
• If it is currently in the act of exploding
• Anything Al-Queda
• If it nervously tells you "This is my first jihad"
• If it rassles with the pilot
• If it is Osama bin Ladin
• If it refers to you or a friend as a "great satan"
• If it has an "Exploding for Dummies" book
• If it has no genitalia
• If it told the customs officer that he would rue the day he messed with the "greatest terrorist alive".
• If it mentions a 73-way and/or virgins.
• If it interrupts the stewardess and informs you that you will all die.
• If he leaves the towel on his head for more than an hour after he gets out of the shower.

The number one terrorist rule of thumb:

• If it's brown, it's a terrorist.

So I've Caught a Terrorist. Now what?

There are several things you can do with a terrorist, depending on your morals and laziness. Keep in mind that terrorists are hard to keep and the blackness of their soul may taint your pure heart.

Give it to the FBI

They will put it in Guantanamo Bay and ask it questions, like the similarities between ravens and writing desks. All you have to do is call 1-800-FBI-GUAN and they will pick it up same-day. However, they pay you only a $ 2,000 reward and you get no recognition. 

Sell it on the Black Market

This requires more work than donating it to the FBI, but you can receive up to $ 15,000 for a large one. However, the terrorist will be bled to death for its gold content, and this is illegal, up to a 5 year sentence for selling them.

Rassle It

Terrorists make excellent rassling buddies, and if you are in to rassling, or you're gay, you may want to keep it at home or at a gym. However, they must be kept locked in an empty room, and if they escape, you could be stuck with a hefty fine.

Make him a rapper

Some terrorist have dark enough skin to be considered black. (or at least half black). If you shave most of their beard off, cut their hair, give them weed and clothes that are 5 sizes to big for them, they could get into the music buisness with their fast talking terrorist words and be a rapper.

Sell it to Suicidal Cannibals

...who like the horrible taste of death and can't find any guns, spears, or sulfuric acid. Nevermind, this one's a bad idea.

Keep it as a Pet

Terrorists make bad pets, but some people see the appeal of having a humanoid pet on a leash. They are all sickos. If you are such a sicko, you might consider getting a terrorist for a pet. However, they are picky eaters, they poop everywhere, and they must be kept asleep with potassium sulfate while you're out. (And sickos remeber, they don't have genetalia).

Keep a Collection

Some chronic terrorist baiters and eccentric rich people have collections of terrorists. Some keep them stuffed, others keep the hungry. It is very prestigious to have a terrorist collection, so this may be a good idea if you are an attention whore. However, they are very needy if kept alive and have all the problems mentioned in the Pet section. Also, terrorists are terroritorial and don't get along well. Most collectors sell their collection after two terrorists.

Sell it to a Collector

A healthy young terrorist can fetch up to $ 35,000, but the average terrorist goes for around $ 10,000. The terrorist is likely to have a good home, and you can gain second hand prestige as a "quality terrorist catcher."

Sacrifice it to the Devil

If you're a pagan, this is the obvious choice. It gets rid of your terrorist and appeases your heathen god! If you're just pagcurious, this is also the obvious choice. You can practice devil rituals in the safety of your own home, and if people ask about the terrorist, say it accidentally fell on your Unholy Dagger of Rah (which you were holding for a friend.)

Note: The devil/anti-pasta will be very pleased to have its appendage back and may give you back your eternal soul!

Take it to a Newspaper

Newspapers love attention whores and if you bring in a terrorist, they will most likely feature an article about you. However, you have to hand it over to the FBI and not get paid, because the article has to about you donating it "from the goodness of your heart."

Donate it to PBS Uncyclomedia

It's tax deductible, free, and helps keep your favorite articles on the site. Also, if you donate your terrorist, you can receive a these thank you gifts: a free calender and an Uncyclopedia potato. Also, donate now and His Noodliness shall smile upon your wretched soul. Our seasonal goal is 150 terrorists. Every terrorist makes a difference and helps keep Uncyclopedia going. (Uncylcopedia is in danger of being shut down). Also, donate now and an Uncyclopedia editor will come to your house and raptor-proof the entrances. Also, if you don't, we might send a terrorist to blow up your house.

Also see

• Terrorism