User:Cajek/HowTo:Spot a Time Traveler
 This article or section is able to see into The Future.Although Wikipedia is not a crystal ball, Uncyclopedia is, so we get to say what happens in the future and they don't.
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"Let's boogie down!"
- Man in a pope hat on spotting time travelers
Did you just walk down a lonely street, and see a man in a silver jumpsuit walk out from a cloud of smoke, grab your shoulders and ask what year it is? If he then shouted, "then the experiment was a success!" you may just have a time traveler on your hands.
Are you having the creeping feeling that one of your friends is a traveller from the future? Does it feel like they know what's going to happen? Are they "lucky" to the point of being ridiculous? Then you may have a time traveller on your hands. Dr. Scientist, the inventor of automatic holy water, suggests that one in eight "people" in the past are, in fact, time travelers. Recent studies say nothing on the subject.
What Happens In The Multiverse Doesn't Stay In The Multiverse
“Hey Hammurabi, let's boogie down!”
At the breakfast table, does your friend say, "Hey dudes! This brockfast is bodacious!"? Usually, it's just that simple. After travelling the time-stream for decades, most people can't remember what time zone they're in, or even what era they came from originally. Traveling far into the future or the past can easily scramble the brain's wavelengths, or so I am told. So far, however, the real effects of time travel have not been tested except in the future, where people from the past have already tested it unless they haven't, in which case don't bother.
Travelers From The Future
The future is a fucked up place. It's all messed up and unchristian. Other than that, it is what you always dreamed the future to be like. It's got rocket packs, jet cars, rocket jets, everything. Don't worry, you're traveling to the future right now! But what is time but an a priori form of inner sense? Ah, the hell with it.
From a Utopia
"Excuse me miss, where are the dehydrated water capsules located?"
- Man in a space helmet and a top hat on spotting time travelers
SPACE HELMETS. The future is full of people in space helmets who take moving walkways everywhere they go. Also look for Hawaiian T-Shirts in the middle of winter. If they're asking why it's cold and "where that atmosphere came from", you know they're from a Utopian future. Utopias breed people who are optimistic, so don't expect them to behave very rashly. They will always be willing to share their nifty gadgets with you, so be open to that. If they didn't bring any cool gadgets with them, ask them to give you information on the stock market. If they won't do that because of some pussy code of time travel, beat the shit out of them. Just wail on them if they won't give you the information. Why not? They didn't pollute the time stream with any futuristic technology to kick your ass, so you might as well. Beat them up until they tell you about the second 9/11. It's coming, but I need one more person from the future to stop it. If you have any information, any information at all, send a letter to the address on this postcard.
From a Baaaaad Future
"Excuse me miss, have you heard of the Nineteen Monkeys cult? I MUST FIND THEM."
- Man in fatigues with a big gun on spotting time travelers
People from a dystopia always have bar codes on their necks. These people, unlike people from a utopian future, care what year it is. Usually they're really scary and unstable in terms of... well, in terms of everything. There are many reasons that people from a dystopia may be scared and running away from the authorities of our century.
- Did they grab you and shout something about robots?: Then you should probably join him in his crusade against computer factories. It's gonna be the only way to stop them.
- Did they grab you and shout something about zombies?: Then you should probably just give up. No way a director would be stupid enough to combine a zombie attack and time travel and still have a coherent storyline.
- Did they grab you and shout something about the timestream?: Then you should probably freak out and then give up. Don't just give up, because that may not convey the seriousness of the situation. If you need help freaking out, think about what it would be like without time. That's what they worry about in the future, mostly. Yeah. Scary.
Don't worry about trying to capture these types of time travelers. They always return to their home time period at the end of the scene, and then where will you be?
From the Distant Future
“What do you mean you don't serve lasers here?”
The distant future is, by far, the coolest thing in the future. Travelers from the distant future will be either indestructable, confused, both, or neither. Confused by your primitive ways, travelers from the distant future may either try to introduce you to "fire" and "electricity" or they may actually open fire on you. Hopefully, they come from so far in the future that anything they do in this time period won't affect the future, which, for you, means absolutely nothing.
From the Near Future
"Don't eat that twinkie! It'll go straight to your thighs!"
- You, but with a sporty mustache, on spotting time travelers
Travelers From The Past
"Well well well, how long has that moon been there?"
- Caveman in a top hat and monocle on spotting time travelers
But let's give it a chance. The author will finish it later.
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This page will be re-checked on 2 January 2008