HowTo:Pee while standing

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Do NOT stare. Not everyone handles it like the women shown in the picture

Do you live with lousy housemates? Do you dislike having your roommate's piss on your thighs? Are you afraid you might catch AIDS? Or herpes? Fear not, this is the guide for guys AND girls to learn how to pee while standing.

Tools

To be able to piss standing, you'll need the following items:

• Genitals.
• A place to urinate on. (e.g toilet, urinal, tree, mouth, old DVD, pants)
• Courage.

Steps

This is the step-by-step instruction book article for pissing! Follow the instructions below:

1. You can't force yourself to piss, that's why you need to do something to make yourself....uh...pissy. Here's a list of suggestions:
   1. Drink lots of water.
   2. Drink lots of juice.
   3. Watch Star Trek.
      

      Bonus: Tend your garden by pissing on it
2. Now that you're full of piss, you're ready to move on to the next step; learning the correct urinating pose. For guys, stand up straight, making sure the distance between your feet is 15-25cms, depending on your shoe size. You can measure it with a ruler, even though you might look silly while measuring. Beware of people trying to hump you while measuring. For girls, the distance should be at least 30cms, and when urinating in a toilet, each foot must be on a side.
3. Utilize your hands. Few people can piss right on the destination without using their hands, VERY few people. So for now, you have to put the dream of urinating while brushing your teeth aside, and focus on employing your hands. Grab your wiener, or in your case, your little peanut. Use your hands to aim, making sure you're tilting your peanut a little above the target, because unlike what most people think, piss is actually not prone to gravity.
4. The next step is... oh wait. YOU'RE ACTUALLY DONE. Wow, you must be REAL stupid to not realize you've done it. Congratulations on peeing standing AND finding out how much of a dimmy you are!

The Aftermath

So you're finishing pouring your tasty lemon juice, what now? After pissing, you need to know a couple of things that will probably come in handy later in life.

1. Flush. If you shit in a toilet, and leave it be without flushing, the bathroom will smell bad. Very bad. As for peeing, the urine you leave behind will....um... THE TOILET JUST DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT, OKAY? It's just pushing a button/pulling a switch/staring, so flush the damn toilet!
2. Wash your hands. Yes, you heard me, you slobby little slime! When you don't wash your hands, your risking yourself, and all those around you whom you love and cherish. From what? FROM YOUR GROSSNESS, OF COURSE. And don't you think no one's going to find out, your hands will SMELL. And, unless you want to be called a pig and look like a total fool on the universal hand sniffing parade, wash your hands!

Congratulations, you won!

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