HowTo:Open a water gun

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It is certain that, at one point or moment in one’s life, one has tried to open a package containing supposed magical joy in life which many refer to as a water gun. Not as many have bursted into tears while doing so, but a good 85% may have come close. (If you are in that top 15% who have not had this reaction while trying to get magnificent weapon of happiness and wonder out of said packaging, and it is not understood why you're reading this.). What is really baffling is that water guns are as tightly packaged and secured as Barbie dolls. Let's have ourselves an overview of our situation:

The Situation as it Stands

The Box

Wrapped with multiple layers of tape on each side. Some folds and so on located at each side, meant no doubt to assure you that once you've gotten the tape off of the cardboard box and onto various parts of your body, you still will not be able to open the box without ripping its packaging, a veritable maximum security center for toys, to shreds.

The packaging

After you've mangled the box, the water gun will be attached with tape and little metal twisty ties to the back of a strong piece of cardboard on the inside of the box. In order to get into the aqueous fun of the water gun, you'll have to do some intense twisting.

The verdict

If you do not enjoy cutting/ripping/tearing things into little tiny pieces, opening a water gun is NOT THE SPORT FOR YOU. Young children, senior citizens, and people with heart problems should consult their doctors first to see which approach is right for them.

The only reason it is ethical for Barbie dolls to be treated in this way is merely because Barbie dolls are creepy, and every so often there is the case of the rogue Barbie doll. (Have you ever woken up in the morning and had a red bump on your leg? WARNING: THIS IS NOT A SPIDER BITE.

The most famous rogue Barbie (codename "Cher"). She bit 5,000 before she was finally caught and afterwards forced to sing songs for the rest of eternity with an identity confused Ken doll that called himself "Sunny".

It simply means a rogue Barbie doll has escaped from the horror factory in which dolls such as these are made and has snuck into your room in the middle of the night and BITTEN YOU. If one has recently been bitten, it is suggested that they GO TO A SINK IMMEDIATELY and WASH THE BITE. Few have died from a RBBM (rogue Barbie bite mark), though precautions are necessary.

(Water guns do not sneak out of factories and bite people at midnight, and are generally kind and loving creatures, and thus should not be treated so aggressively.)

Usually, when removing the water gun from the death trap of metal twisty-ties and tape, it is good to approach the twisty-ties of doom first. DO NOT REACH FOR THE TAPE FIRST. It is almost certain that the tape part cannot be removed before removing 3-15 twisty-ties, and if you reach for the tape first (it is shiny, but all must resist temptation) you will not succeed or be any closer to your goal, plus one will most likely have to waste time with a trip to a local hospital, as one would suffer from lack of blood. (People who live in rural areas or the deserted farmlands of New Jersey MUST heed this advice. The nearest hospital is most likely MILES AWAY and it would take people WEEKS to find your rotting corpse lying next to a cow, seeing as your land is probably 200 ACRES and your nearest neighbor is 2 HOURS AWAY. And rotting corpses tend not to smell nice, unless, of course, it is sprayed periodically with febreeze.)

Do not become upset if it takes you 5-45 minutes to undo one twisty-tie. They are more pointless, useless, and bothersome than heavy x-ray ovary protectors when the doctor is taking x-rays of a 40-year old male’s ribs, and are used for the mere fact to waste countless hours of one’s meaningless life. If you get discouraged enough, you may even attempt to use a power saw. Though fun, power saws can be VERY DANGEROUS. So please make sure to wear a helmet.

This is a power saw. Parental supervision = OVERRATED.

Hours after you get all of the twisty-ties off, it is time to lift your (although maybe slightly scratched/dented by use of power saw) water gun off of the cardboard. (Make sure to yank it off, for there may be that ONE LAST TWISTY-TIE that one always misses. Patience is required if said twisty-tie is in fact still attaching your water gun to the cardboard. You’ve gone through WAY too much to smash the water gun to pieces, and it’s not the water gun’s fault. Simple undo the twisty-tie without losing too much sanity.)

TAH-DAH. You’ve OPENED YOUR WATER GUN. CONRATULATIONS.

(It is a whole other challenge, though, if this water gun has one of those dreadfully annoying strings inside the container which holds the water which you spray at oncoming cars and civilians, making the water gun nearly impossible to fill-up…)