HowTo:Milk a cow

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I are Frikkie van der Merwe Botha and I is going to be your host for today.

Hallo der you peoples. My name are Frikkie van der Merwe Botha and I is here to tell you how to milk a cow because Uncyclopedia was ask me to do so and I fought to myself, who better to teach de young boertjies[1] of today dan a traditional Souf African farmer?

So ja I was finking dat we take dis procedure in steps one to free because all it takes is free simple steps to milk a cow. Time to get opgewonde[2] kiddies! Smeer on dat vazzeline and lets begin!

Step One: Feeding de cow wif mielies.

Dis cow are gonna kak all over her owner because he did feed her too much.

Okay so you know what mielies[3] is? No you soutie![4] Don't tell me you don't ever see a God damn mielie before? It's dat fing you immigrations call corn, but in fact it are actually a big nyummy mielie dat you can put on a lekker[5] braai[6] or buy from a hawker next to de road for maybe five bucks. We can't feed dis mielies to cows because dey is too big for dem to eat, so instead we give dem a powder version wif all kinds of kak[7] dat is supposed to make de milk taste nicer, but all it is doing is giving big men tits.[8]

OK, so now you might be skeiming[9] what de cow are supposed to eat out of, but dis are not too important because you can sommer[10] use a bowl or anyfing especially if you is currently living on a farm somewhere and you only haf one cow for personal uses like a good cup of coffee in de morning or your delishas bowl of pap en suiker.[11]

Make sure dat you don't give de cow too much of de mielies because she might just kak all over your leather veld skoene[12] and you gonna get big trouble wif your wife if she see dat because she try so hard to clean up after your lui gat[13] and you just go fok[14] it all up by feeding de cow too much.

If de cow does not eat de kos den eider your cow is sick or she is just being a mooilike teef,[15] eider ways maybe it is den time to get a new one. Now dat your cow is hopefully eating we are going to move onto,

Step two: Pulling de cows' spene.

He are doing it wrong but dat is why I are teaching him now.

Here comes de fun part dat we all luff so much. For dis part of de experimentations you is going to need what we in Afrikaans like to call an "emmer."[16] De trick are to keep de cow eating while you squish de milk out because udderwise she might get distracted and kick you in your knaters.[17] Eina![18]

Now it are time to pull and squish dose dik pink nipples. Remember de order which you do dis; first pull and den squish, pull and squish, pull and squish- I fink you is forstanding my point. Assuming your emmer are made from steel like most milk emmers, you will hear a clear twinkling sound as de squirtings of milk hit de empty bottom. Dis is good! Dis means dat you are doing it de right way and you must just keep going till der is no more white stuffs left in de cows' spene.[19] If your jean pant[20] are wet den you know you did fok it up big time.

Ok now dat you have your fings all sorted out and your ducks in rows, we is going to move on to de final step. Make sure your bucket are full of white liquid at all times while you carry it over to de kitchen. Don't spill it! You is going to waste it and be a dom bliksem[21] like I was when– Ag.[22] Never mind man; I am sommer spokesing a klomp onnies now.[23] Let's moof on.

Step Free: Making sure de milk don't have goggos.

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The new Dairymaster 3000.

Now dat you haf de milk safely in de house, you is going to take a lappie[24] and get a new bucket. Put de lappie over de empty bucket and sommer take your ouma's[25] pegs of de washing line and knyp[26] de lappie onto de edges of de bucket. De reason why we is doing dis is to get dose goggos[27] out of de milk udderwise you is gonna get sick from de kaka dat dey are poofing into de– Oh gats![28] I am sorry to cut dis short but I must leaf. Fanks for having me and remember: kos, knyp and knaters...[29]

Good day. Sorry I am late. I am here to do my Uncyclopedia article on how to milk cows using the new Dairymaster 3000 automatic milking machine.

Who was that barefoot man with a bucket, cloth and eighteenth century dungarees I just saw leaving? What a pauper! Let me get started right away, then; I have kept you waiting long enough.

My name is Gordon Martin Devonshire and I will be showing you how to milk a cow, or ten, or 20 for that matter, who's counting anyway? Righto! We will be using this new and improved automatic milking machine which is only four hundred thousand pounds! Order today and we will throw in a free massage nozzle that excretes a fresh and minty flavoured petroleum jelly, soothing the cows' aching teats and allowing her to produce more milk.

Pretty much all you have to do is put each end onto the cows' four teats, sit back, and watch the cows pretty much milk themselves. It's as easy as that! To order, call 0860-MILK-ME. That's 0860-MILK-ME.


  1. An Afrikaans word for farmers.
  2. Afrikaans word for excited.
  3. Afrikaans word for corn.
  4. Afrikaans abbreviation for the Afrikaans description of an Englishmen commonly refered to as a "Sout Piel" meaning salty penis (this expression comes from the old century when the English first immigrated to South Africa and complained about having to live in this foreign country. The Afrikaaners used to say "He lives with his one foot in South Africa and the other in England while his penis hangs in the sea)
  5. In Afrikaans lekker means nice and is not only used by Afrikaans speaking individuals, but also pretty much every second South African you meet.
  6. What most people refer to as a barbeque is actually just a flavour of crinkle cut chips in South Africa. Instead the word braai is used to describe the event that is to take place on any given weekend and always involves large amounts of beer and dead animals.
  7. Kak means shit.
  8. Estrogen.
  9. Skeiming is usually pronounced in almost one and a half syllables and means pondering or wondering about.
  10. Sommer in English means "just as well", e.g.: you can just as well use a bowl.
  11. Pap is a form of porridge made from mielies (see citation 3)
  12. A popular form of Afrikaner footwear that is made of leather and is very durable. Knee-high socks bearing a long toothed comb were quite a trend among Afrikaans farmers for many years before crocs came into existence. The knee-high striped socks are still very much in though and often get worn with crocs.
  13. The words lui and gat together mean lazy arse.
  14. Fuck.
  15. Meaning "difficult bitch." The fact the the word mooilike sounds like it is associated with cows because of the word "moo" actually has nothing to do with cows at all and is simply the way in which the word is spelled and pronounced.
  16. Bucket.
  17. Just another word for balls, others include: ballas, bal-sak, eiers and kerels
  18. Ouch!
  19. Cows udders are called spene in Afrikaans and pronounced "speen".
  20. Some Afrikaaners tend to add the word pant without the "s" to the word jean without the "s" to describe a pair of jeans.
  21. Meaning dumb ass. Bliksem also refers to hitting, punching and, or assaulting (which also happens to be one of the favourite pastimes of the average Afrikaans man after he gets drunk and wishes to prove his manliness and that he is not in fact a queer.
  22. Oh.
  23. I am speaking a lot of shit right now.
  24. This refers to a cloth, it can be any cloth at all. Not to be confused with the well known song "Loslappie" which means loose cloth and is used as an innuendo to refer to a slut or manwhore.
  25. Afrkaans word for grandmother.
  26. Pinch (he could not find the correct Afrikaans word for peg which is peg)
  27. A collective word for bugs or insects.
  28. Oh crap!
  29. Meaning food, pinch and balls. Frikkie tried to throw in a catchy Afrikaans saying before leaving hastily, but instead succeeded in not making any sense at all.

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