HowTo:Kill a five-legged woman

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So, you have a five-legged woman, and you want to see her disappear, right? Well, this article should help you to accomplish such an amazing feat. Sit back and I will explain How To:Kill A Five-Legged Woman.

The Situation[edit]

So, you're walking down the street, and you have a hard-on. that's beside the point. Anyway, you continue walking and suddenly...HOLY CRAP A FIVE-LEGGED WOMAN!!! you instantly lose your hard-on and are incredibly pissed off! so what are you gonna do? YOU'RE GOIN' TO FRIGGEN KILL THAT WANNA-BE OCTOPUS!!!

Identifying The Beast[edit]

Now that you have your motives, it would be wise to review the deadliness of the horror that is the five-legged woman. Here is a list of traits and abilities that are common among five-legged women.

  • Sticky hairs on at least one leg. AVOID AT ALL COSTS
  • Acid Spit
  • Kung Fu Kicking
  • The five-legged sleeper hold
    this is not a five-legged woman, but she still freaks the hell outta me
  • Eye beams
  • Ted Nugent's ponytail. She can whiplash it towards your neck and decapitate you with it.

Note: If you by chance run across a supposed five-legged woman, but can only identify 4 legs, then RUN LIKE HELL. You don't want to know where the fifth leg is (up your ass), just run and try to remove that wedgie you just got.

Tools of Destruction[edit]

Now that you know what the Beastly woman can do, here are a list of tools required to take down that Erection-stopping whore.

  1. turkey baster
  2. dead babies/ammo
  3. Water Bottle
  4. meatshield/bystander
  5. a broom

Although dead babies are the preferred source of ammo, you can also use other various objects such as turtles or grues.

Dealing With The Problem[edit]

Now that your ready, simply follow these step by step instructions to assure the five-legged woman's demise.

Step 1: be sure to fill your turkey baster with the dead baby/turtle/grue ammo listed above.

Step 2: hand the five-legged woman the broom and repeat the following: "clean my house woman!"

Step 3: dodge the following acid spit and eye beams, and use your "meatshield" as necessary.

Step 4: spray her with the water bottle. this should confuse her.

Step 5: squeeze the turkey baster and fire your dead babies at her skull.

Step 6: enjoy your victory as you stand over the corpse of the five-legged woman, now with dead babies lodged in her forehead.

Step 7: Regain your rightfully earned hard-on.


So you got your ass beat by the five-legged woman, eh? well, here is a step by step guide to successful escape, as five-legged women can hold quite a grudge.

Step 1: Turn around

Step 2: Run. Don't stop until you've reached Hawaii. Pray to Jesus that he will help you walk on water to get there, cause there won't be anytime to stop for a boat.

Step 3: Assuming your "meatshield" still has enough mass for protection, be sure to use sparingly.

Step 4: reach Hawaii and change your name to steve. just steve, no middle or last name.

Step 5: Go around telling everyone that you beat the five-legeed woman to hide your shameful defeat, noob.

Step 6: Find a way to regain your Hard-on.


Gratz. You can now resume your life with your hard-on completely uninterrupted. Mayhaps you can go home and eat a sandwich, or pointlessly try to convince your friends that your hard (BECAUSE YOUR A HOMOSEXUAL FREAK!!)-on is not the result of gay pornography.